


Lovely.

by semiautomtaic



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Anger, Anxiety Disorder, Bottom Tyler, Crush at First Sight, Daddy Josh, Death, Dom/sub, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, Gay, Gay Tyler, Homelessness, Im bad at summaries, Jealous Tyler, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Paris (City), Plot Twists, Protective Josh, SO MUCH FLUFF, Secret Crush, Shameless Smut, Shy Tyler, Suicidal Thoughts, Top Josh, i swear this is good, joshler - Freeform, super sweet josh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-11
Updated: 2016-04-28
Packaged: 2018-05-26 03:06:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 20
Words: 46,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6221080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/semiautomtaic/pseuds/semiautomtaic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Being 18 and having your parents kick you out because of your sexuality isn't ideal, but being 18, homeless and in love with a man 10 years older than you is even less ideal.<br/>After weeks of watching Josh from afar, shy, troubled Tyler befriends him.<br/>Josh slowly begins to be the only one who Tyler lets in.<br/>Their relationship blossoms and grows, travelling together, living together, loving each other. But only for it all to come crashing down due to Tyler's mental health.</p><p>(This fic is finished.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Three Words

**Author's Note:**

> tw/  
> anxiety  
> suicidal thoughts/discussion  
> medication  
> panic attack  
> food  
> ALSO. I do a song recommendation for every chapter that's like 1/2 songs and i think they'd be good songs to listen to whilst reading the chapters. completely optional but i find it adds more atmosphere! enjoy :) 
> 
> \- @semiautomtaic (twitter)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> song(s) for chapter:   
> Breathe Me - Sia

It was 1am and Tyler was left sitting in some small, shitty cafe down the street. Tears brimming in his eyes, ready to tumble down his already tear stained face. He sloshed the remainder of his cheap coffee around in the chipped mug, he couldn't believe this was happening. It couldn't be happening. 

"D'you want more coffee son?" The waitress came over and banged the coffee dispenser onto his table. Yes. Otherwise he was about to pass out and die right there in front of her. He scrambled around in his pockets, looking for the money to pay for another dose of caffeine. Nothing. 

"S-sorry. I have no money." His sorrow-filled eyes looked up at her and she frowned. Pitying the small boy, she poured steaming black coffee into the mug. 

"Thank you. Really, thank you." He nodded and managed a small smile at her, sipping on his coffee and burning his tongue. He didn't even care- he couldn't feel it. 

It didn't feel real, nothing felt real. He didn't have a home anymore. He didn't have a family anymore. Nobody to answer the door when he was too anxious to, nobody to order food when we couldn't pluck up the courage, nobody to take him to therapy once a week. Tears began spilling down his cheeks again, his hand's trembling, spilling the hot black liquid over the table. All he had with him was his almost dead phone, some clothes and a bottle of water. He never had any of his own money, except for the little he would earn from staying behind after art class to clean the paint pots. He felt sorry for himself, he didn't think his sexuality would cause this. He didn't think one three letter word, gay, would make him homeless. 

Tyler began replaying what happened in his head, a pit forming in his stomach. He had gathered his mom, dad and siblings round the table, it was 8pm so everybody was finally home and as relaxed as they could be. He decided he needed to tell them that he was gay, he couldn't possibly take another day of his mom asking which girl he was taking to the dance, or his brothers asking who he'd banged, it made him cringe and he didn't want to lie to them. Everything was slightly blurry, all he could remember was saying the words, "I'm gay," and after that, all that came was abuse. His precious keyboard was trashed and smashed to smithereens all over his bedroom floor. The disappointed and angry words of his parents kept ringing through his head. All his clothes were thrown out of his room that was shared with Zack, his brother. His sister Madison sat there silently, tears forming in her eyes as she mouthed "I'm so sorry," to Tyler. She was his only hope, but she was too young to do anything- too young to help him. Following the abuse, Tyler grabbed as much as he could in 30 seconds and left, storming down the road, sobbing and petrified. What was a socially-anxious teenage boy like him going to do, middle of the night, nobody to call, nowhere to go. 

- 

The night dragged on, it seemed like he was watching every minute go past on the clock and he was just waiting to wake up from this dream. This nightmare. By 6am he didn't feel comfortable sitting in the booth anymore, the same waitress was still watching him and he didn't want to have to explain anything. He headed into the small, gritty bathrooms just before heading out. The mirror was dirty and smudged but Tyler still managed to get a glance of himself in it. He was a mess. His eyes painfully bloodshot from crying, his black hoodie slightly ripped at the bottom from where he had hastily pulled it on and his hair fluffy and unruly. The taps were grimy, but nevertheless he twisted the tap that indicated cold and let the water stream over his slightly grubby hands, before splashing it into his face. He'd stopped crying by now, there must not have been any more tears to physically cry. 

"Thank you," He whispered timidly to the waitress behind the counter as he pushed the door and stepped out onto the street.

The sun was just rising, a fiery orange and pink sky hanging above him. A layer of small white and grey clouds lay around the sun. He wanted the other side of those clouds, it sucked down here. With no money, nobody to talk to and nowhere to go, Tyler was well and truly stuck. He sat on the closest bench, putting down his backpack on the floor by his feet. The corners of his mouth turned up as he realised in his haste to leave the house, he'd pulled on a pair of bright red socks and even tucked his jeans into them. That was the least of his worries right now, what colour socks he had on. 

For the rest of the early morning, Tyler wandered around the streets of Ohio's central area. He sat frequently on roadside benches, museum steps, checked out some camping shops because at this rate, he was going to need some of the stuff in here for his nights on the street. He couldn't believe this was how it was now, he was going to be sleeping on these streets, asking for money and food. He was debating not even asking and letting himself die there in the cold, why bother with a life this worthless. 

12pm rolled around and Tyler was exhausted, but before finding somewhere to lay his head for twenty minutes, he remembered one place he always found comfort in. The music store. His "friend" Mark, a producer, worked there and helped customers find the right instruments and such. Mark was 27, a good few years older than Tyler, but he had found Tyler's first keyboard and they instantly made friends, both with a quirky sense of humour and style. Tyler loved to spend time down at the shop with Mark, sometimes just playing the keyboard whilst Mark saw to customers. He could do with that right now. 

He walked fifteen minutes down a couple blocks until he came to the store, almost crying from relief of being somewhere familiar. 

"Tyler! Ty-Tyler... Oh my god what's wrong... Tyler please," Mark came rushing from behind the counter, fussing around Tyler hectically. 

"I'm fine, Mark." Tyler said sternly, his chocolate brown eyes set on his feet, not daring to look up to see if there were customers around watching this spectacle. 

"Come to the back, we'll close for lunch," Mark hastily ran to the door and switched the "OPEN" sign to "CLOSED". 

Mark guided Tyler through to the back of the shop to a little break room with a small two-seater couch, a flowery old arm chair and a fridge. He started to make Tyler a coffee and a sandwich of some sort. 

"I told them, Mark. I told them I was gay, now look at me." Tyler broke down crying again, biting his lip and squinting his eyes as if he was in pain. 

"They kicked you out?" Mark sat down next to Tyler and winced. 

"No. I mean, practically, I had no choice, either stay there and watch the last eighteen years of my life get destroyed in front of my eyes or leave, so I did the latter." Tyler swallowed harshly and furrowed his thick brows. 

"Oh man. Oh Tyler I am so sorry. So where are you staying? Are your school involved yet?" Mark scratched the back of his neck, he was so shocked that this had happened to his close friend, he didn't even have time to think.

"Fuck school. They'd probably support my parents on this, I literally don't care Mark, I guess I'm sleeping rough until the cold eventually kills me and I'm dead like I should be." Tyler stated, he'd stopped crying by now and was straight faced, staring into space.

"You're staying with me. Don't be fucking stupid man, we've been friends since you were like thirteen years old. You can stay with me until we can sort you something out. You can't go from going to therapy for your anxiety, to sleeping rough begging people for money. You will stay with me, no arguing." Mark insisted and started to pack a small bag full of food from the fridge. 

Tyler didn't have the energy to be happy that he wasn't sleeping on the streets, he barely had enough energy to even mutter the words "Thank you," to Mark. Of course he was eternally grateful, but Mark's words were still ringing in his ears- therapy. He needed therapy, he needed those sessions, he couldn't leave the house otherwise. He had to work all these things out for himself now, Mark wasn't his parent, Mark wasn't his brother, Mark was just a friend he saw once a week. 

"We're going early, we might as well catch the 1:30pm train and go home, you can clean up and get changed, we can figure it all out back home." Mark gestured towards the door and Tyler followed him timidly, all the way to the train station. 

-

The two of them sat on the train platform, Tyler staring off into the distance, watching all the loved up teenagers and couples together, all the families smiling and making their own personal jokes as they got on and off the trains. He wished that none of them would ever have to experience this low he was feeling right now. He felt like the entire world had come crushing down on him. He was so empty, he didn't even feel sadness right now, he was just empty. He felt like he'd fallen through a trapdoor into a black hole full of nothingness. 

Their train arrived and they found two spare seats by the window, sat opposite each other. Mark handed Tyler a peanut butter candy bar from his bag, Tyler shook his head. 

"You have to eat, get your blood sugars up, you'll have energy then to talk about stuff we need to discuss," Mark forced the bar into Tyler's hand, earning an eye roll. 

Tyler opened the wrapper, the waft of sugary peanut butter entering his nostrils and making his mouth water. He hadn't eaten for the past two days, firstly because of the nerves before telling his parents the news and now because he simply couldn't afford anything. He'd gone from being able to afford a thousand candy bars, to not even having the money to buy  _half_ of one. 

"It's our stop," Mark got up from his chair and signalled for Tyler to follow. They walked for about half an hour before coming to Mark's apartment complex. 

"It's nice." Tyler looked up at the glass building. It was modern and looked expensive. He would have dreamt about staying somewhere like here, now it's a literal blessing that he wasn't sleeping on the pavement outside. 

Tyler trailed up the flights of stairs, body aching from exhaustion, until they reached Mark's door. The apartment was much bigger than Tyler expected, but it wasn't as nice as he expected. It was very generic, a set of three leather couches around a mahogany coffee table, all pointed towards a flat screen TV. The kitchen was connected to the lounge with a breakfast bar full of letters, bills and directors notes and a roomy preparation area with marble surfaces and fancy tools. 

"I'll show you the spare room. You can make yourself comfortable, have a sleep maybe? My friend is coming round later just to pick up his drum sticks and some tech stuff, but I'll make sure we're quiet," Mark picked up Tyler's bag and Tyler winced. He didn't want Mark to know how light his bag was, how little he'd packed and how unprepared for all of this he was. 

Mark showed him into a neat room, a big double bed pressed against a vast open window with a seat built into the sill. A great place for him to sit and watch everybody else in the world having a great life whilst he was going to be stuck in this apartment until he literally died. 

"Sleep." Mark pointed at the bed and shut the door, so that's just what Tyler did. 

He stripped down from his hoodie and jeans, kicking his black vans off to the far corner of the room along with his dumb red socks. He looked at himself in the mirror, he looked just the same as earlier except for his bags were even more prominent and now he was naked. His tanned body covered in black tattoos looked so fragile and small, he just needed someone to look after him, to understand him. He hopped into bed, sighing at how comfortable he felt, the most comfortable in two days. The fresh sheets crinkled as he moved and squirmed to make himself comfortable, nuzzling his head further into the cushion. He didn't think he'd be able to sleep, giving everything that happened in the past 48 hours, but he soon drifted off to the sound of Mark tuning guitars and keyboards in the other room. 

-

"Thanks man. These sticks are way, way better than the others. I can hit even harder now!" A muffled, unfamiliar voice came from outside Tyler's room and he lazily sat up in bed, rubbing his eyes and gathering his bearings. 

He looked at the clock, it was 9pm, he sighed deeply, knowing he'd already fucked his sleeping pattern up and was going to be awake all night fretting and worrying about his entire existence. Hearing the same familiar voice let out a giggle, he got out of bed and tugged on a plain white t-shirt and some loose grey basketball shorts. He stumbled into the en-suite bathroom and relieved himself, deciding to brush his teeth just in case he had to talk to this random person. He picked up a spare toothbrush Mark had handed to him earlier and swirled it around his mouth, white minty bubbles overflowing and spilling down the sink. He had no cares for anything right now that he almost just wanted to leave the minty residue sit on his chin. He didn't though, he picked up a towel and wiped it away, catching sight of himself in the cabinet. His hair was flat on the side he'd slept on and completely fluffed-up and crazy on the other. His eyes looked sad and tired, purple shadows hanging underneath them. His lips were dry, cracked and slightly red in places from where he'd bitten them too hard. He was such a mess, he didn't want to go out and see who Mark was talking to. 

So he didn't. 

Tyler cracked his door open just a fraction, and sat on the chair closest to him. He couldn't see anyone as of now, they must have been sitting in the kitchen or sorting some music stuff out in the other room. He could hear voices and the unfamiliar one sounded so warm and friendly. It sounded similar to his voice, not really a definite accent, but very American. It was more endearing than his own voice, inviting almost. He was desperate to see who this voice belonged to, to see if their appearance was as warm and welcoming as their voice.

As if on cue, a head of messy, tousled red hair walked into the lounge and leant up against the wall by the front door. He had long, shapely legs which were adorned with a pair of leather-looking skinny jeans. His jeans were tucked into a pair of worn out black and white skater vans, just like a pair Tyler had previously owned. The stranger was wearing a white and black geometric patterned t-shirt underneath a thin, hooded camo jacket- whoever this person was dressed well and Tyler was impressed that someone who was friends with Mark, the king of casual, actually had a little style. The stranger turned around to face Mark and Tyler finally caught a glimpse of his face. He instantly looked friendly, a big, toothy smile wiped across his face, the corner of his eyes crinkling a little. He picked up a snapback and placed it on backwards, his hair suddenly tamed, only a few red flicks visible. 

"So you don't need any help? I can go shopping if you need? This guy probably won't want to be left alone, right?" The stranger looked at Mark concerned and Tyler froze, they were talking about him. He gently pressed the door shut and continued listening through the thin wall. 

"No, thanks though man. I've got enough stuff until tomorrow, maybe you could hang out here for a little whilst I man the shop. He probably won't come out of his room, he's pretty socially anxious," Tyler cringed, he didn't even know the name of this man yet Mark was already listing his mental health problems to him.

"I'm sure we can talk about something, I'm not going to bite," The man smiled and patted Mark on the back, "Thanks again for the tech stuff, Mark. I'll come to get the drums tomorrow but I should be going, the last train is soon." 

And with that, the stranger had left. 

There was a soft knock on the door and Tyler practically pounced back into bed, picking up his phone and acting like he'd been there the whole time.

"Tyler?" Mark whispered through the small crack keeping the door ajar. 

"Come in," Tyler said in his quiet, croaky voice, "Who was that?" 

"Just then? Josh. He's my closest friend, other than you. He drums for a small band, they don't even have a name, they just kinda gig around the bars and clubs nearby. He's mad talented." Mark explained, scrolling through his phone whilst talking. 

"Oh. He seemed nice." Tyler fiddled with his fingernails and looked down at his hands. 

"The nicest," Mark smiled, "He comes round most days, you'll have to get to know him if you're staying here."

Tyler's stomach churned. With all that had happened lately, he'd actually forgotten he had social anxiety. He didn't want to get to know somebody. He just wanted to curl up in bed, watching TV, avoiding his problems and eating chinese takeout with Mark. Josh seemed nice, but he didn't need to get to know him. Any time Josh was around he could just pretend to be asleep, pretend to be out. 

"Y-Yeah. I will get to know him." Tyler lied to Mark and Mark walked to the door.

"I'm ordering food, you don't have to eat it, but I can almost see your ribs so... I'm gonna recommend you come out when it's here and at least have some fries." Mark looked at Tyler sadly, upset to see his friend in such a state.

"Ok. Thanks Mark, for all of this." He said sheepishly, scratching the back of his neck.

"Don't mention it." Mark shut the door behind him and Tyler fell back on the bed, drifting back off to sleep.


	2. Very Pretty.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> song(s) for chapter:   
> To Build A Home - Cinematic Orchestra   
> All I Want - Kodaline

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!! Thank u for the great response to the first chapter but i just wanted to clear up, Mark's character is supposed to be Mark, their photographer, director, producer and friend from in real life. @reelbearmedia. so. thats all 4 now. hope ur enjoying :)

A delicate knock on the door woke Tyler from his light nap.

"Food is here." Mark poked his head around the door frame and smiled at Tyler, a few brown bags clutched in his hands tightly. 

Tyler smiled back weakly and peeled off the sheets from his aching body. He was so tired, everything hurt and he was still in a daze from everything that was happening. He wasn't even sure the reality of what happened had hit him, his family hadn't even got in touch to see if he was safe or if he was even alive. They didn't care, not even Madison. He shook his head, hoping the thoughts swirling round in his mind would also shake out and leave him alone. He was still wearing the basketball shorts from earlier but was too warm for a shirt, instead he walked into the lounge with his chest and tattoos exposed for Mark to see. 

"Tyler..." Mark looked at him, concerned, "You need to eat, your ribs are painfully visible." 

Tyler winced, he hated people pointing out his weight to him. He never felt like eating, he couldn't eat in front of people for one, which caused a lot of problems since he was around family or friends the majority of his time. He remembered when he went to get his chest tattoo and the tattooist pointed out that he was a, quote, "fragile" guy. It stuck with Tyler and he from then on stayed covered up for any more tattoos he got. He stayed covered up all the time, except for when he was alone, it was his time to breathe. He didn't even think about the fact Mark was in the lounge, that Mark would see his small frame, but as soon as he saw Mark's eyes trailing up and down his body, he instantly regretted not covering himself up.

"I'm fine, Mark, really I am. Fast metabolism." Tyler assured him and sat down on the couch, eyeing the food laid out on the large coffee table. He was ravenous, all he'd eaten was some peanut butter shit and a bite of a sandwich. 

He picked up some greasy fries in his small hands and sat back, making himself comfortable amongst all the cushions and looking over to Mark who was watching him. Immediately Tyler froze and stood up. He'd forgotten that he couldn't eat in front of people. He didn't realise Mark was staring so intently at him.

"I'm gonna finish this in my room I think." Tyler grabbed a bag full of food and scuttled off to his room, shutting the door gently, earning a deep sigh from Mark.

He scrambled back into the bed, head in hands. The empty room around him began to feel smaller and smaller, as if the walls were caving in over his head. All his problems were coming back to him. His eyes filled with tears and he started crying quietly, his cheeks were now sodden and he looked at the food in the corner of the room disgusted, he couldn't stomach anything right now. He flopped back onto the pillows and continued to sob, the pillow case becoming damp and sticking to his soft cheek.

"I'm sorry Dad," He whimpered weakly, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm sorry." 

He couldn't believe that he'd wiped out the past eighteen years of his life. All the family vacations, basketball on the beach, learning to drive, all his birthdays, all the fishing trips- all of it worthless. It might as well not have existed. He might as well not exist, what shitty quality of life was he going to have here? In his friend's spare bedroom, not interacting with anybody, not going to therapy, crying himself to sleep every night, eating in secret and never seeing his family ever again. Well done Tyler, well done. 

He looked at the clock, it was nearly 1am and he had tired himself out from wailing like an idiot into his pillow. He crawled out from under the blanket and climbed up onto the large window sill, crossing his legs and pressing his forehead up against the cold glass that looked out onto the busy street below. There was plenty of night life; drunk people stumbling around shouting and singing old 80's songs together, tourists taking in the measly night time sights of Ohio and some random teenagers spray painting the brick wall opposite the apartment complex. He wished he could be down there, living life, having fun, but instead he was stuck inside what felt like a prison. Yes he could walk out if he wanted to, yes he was free to do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted, but he was trapped inside his own mind. His mind wouldn't even let him step outside of his bedroom door. His mind wouldn't let him introduce himself to Mark's friend, Josh. 

About twenty minutes passed and Tyler fell asleep slumped against the window. His small figure was pressed up to the glass, the moonlight pouring in onto his skin making him glow like some sort of alien form was inside of him. He slept peacefully until around 11am, when the condensation that had formed between the icy glass and his warmth woke him. A smug smile wiped across his face as he looked at the clock, he was proud of himself for making it through the night without having a panic attack or an existential crisis. 

He scanned the room, he'd already worn the only clothes he'd packed and he couldn't really wear them again. He stepped out of bed and opened the door next to the en-suite. A full wardrobe of clothes. Thank god. He picked out a white t-shirt and some black jeans. The clothes were too big for his tiny frame, of course, the shirt practically swallowing him up whole and the jeans looking like some crazy, 60's flared instead of skinnies. It would do, he was probably home alone anyway with Mark manning the shop. 

A deep grumble came from his stomach and he raised his eyebrows. Coming to think of it, he hadn't eaten the food last night after his little episode- he was starving. He padded down the corridor from his room and reached the kitchen, opening up the fridge and spotting some fresh orange juice. He picked up the carton and turned around, ready to sit down at the breakfast bar with some cereal or fruit maybe, but was met with something completely different. The red-haired boy from yesterday was stood there, looking wide-eyed at Tyler. 

Today he was wearing the same black jeans as yesterday, but he had an oversized black hoodie and black rain coat on today. His jeans were tucked into a pair of matte black docs, tied with luminous yellow laces. His hair was tamed, captured underneath a soft grey beanie. 

"Hi! I'm Josh!" He smiled and stepped towards Tyler, his muscly arm outstretched ready to shake hands, but Tyler's hand didn't meet his. 

"Oh, uh. Hi. Mark didn't tell me you were here, I'll just go back to my room..." Tyler said shakily, dodging eye contact and grabbing an orange from the counter top. 

"No! Stay! We can chat, are you ok?" Josh hurried after him, down the corridor.

"I'm fine." Tyler said quietly and shut his bedroom door, slumping down against it. 

Josh stood outside, mildly confused and slightly offended. He fidgeted a bit on the spot, making his jacket rustle against the door frame. 

Tyler could sense Josh was there, his heart beating scarily fast in his chest. He always got like this around new people, especially when he was caught off guard. Could Mark not have told him that Josh would be here? Imagine if he walked out stark naked, singing some song about how much he missed his ex-boyfriend. Yeah, that wouldn't have looked great. 

"T-Tyler, can I come in?" Josh said in a low voice through the door. 

"No. Please, I'm... I'm tired, can you go away?" Tyler muttered, feeling kind of bad for pushing Josh away, but to be fair he hardly knew this guy and he was already asking to come into his bedroom and talk- not really Tyler's thing. 

Josh frowned and walked back into the lounge, resuming the same position on the couch he was in before Tyler woke up, messing with some drum equipment. Tyler didn't mean any harm, he just really wasn't good meeting new people, he had to plan for weeks before he knew what to say or how to address somebody properly. 

Tyler sat in his room for a few hours, scouring the web and watching random, distracting videos on youtube but his mind kept wandering to something else. Josh. He got up and sat down at the piano Mark had wheeled in just for him to play. He started stroking the keys very softly, playing a sweet, gentle tune that didn't really have a pattern, it just sounded nice to Tyler. He tried to distract himself with this, but he couldn't stop thinking about the red haired boy. He was sat outside, probably listening to Tyler intently. Tyler's mind started trailing to Josh's appearance. His eyes were a weak coffee brown, with green and golden flecks around the pupil. They were warm and inviting. He looked soft. His arms clearly toned and well muscled from playing drums, but not the kind of muscle that repulses you, the kind of muscle that gives tight hugs, the kind of muscled arms that could hold you, the kind of arms you'd feel safe in. He was taller than Tyler, quite substantially and visibly older than Tyler also, probably around 27 or 28- the same as Mark. He imagined Josh's face when he told him to go away, the crinkles in his eyes probably disappeared and his smile would have fallen. A deep guilty feeling settled in his stomach as he heard the front door click open- Mark was home. 

He quickly scuttled out of his room and hovered in the hallway, watching Josh and Mark exchange, what looked like, concerned words. 

"Hey-" Josh caught sight of Tyler timidly standing in shadows. 

"I'm really sorry about earlier," Tyler stepped forward and was met by Josh's sympathetic eyes, "A lot going on inside my head right now, so, yeah I'm sorry." 

Josh rubbed Tyler's back affectionately and Tyler flinched from the touch. Nobody had touched him with good intentions in a long time.

"That's okay dude. When you're ready to talk we can hang out, I'm here tomorrow but no rush. See ya." He stuck a thumbs up at Tyler and Mark as he bounced off down the stairs and out of Tyler's sight. 

"Well, you didn't have to be so rude." Mark looked at him sternly.

"I wasn't rude Mark, you didn't fucking tell me he'd be sat waiting in the lounge when I woke up?!" Tyler exclaimed, his mouth twitching slightly with anger. 

"He looks after my apartment whilst I do the store, sorts out drum stuff. He'll be here every day except weekends from now on, okay? There's your stupid warning." Mark rolled his eyes and starting shifting through all the mail piled up on the counter. 

Tyler sighed and walked back, yet again, to his room. 

He went to the bathroom and took his clothes off, goosebumps forming over his body from the breeze of cold air that hit him. He started to run a deep, deep bath, full to the brim of the tub. He wanted to get in and melt away, sink in under the water and never come back up. He was an embarrassment, hiding from Josh, who was a perfectly friendly guy and then shouting at Mark, the only person in the world on his side right now. He sank into the hot water, his head leaning against the rim of the tub, his entire body submerged apart from his face. 

His mind once again drifted to Josh, maybe he should make an effort, Josh seemed like a really nice guy who understood Tyler. He didn't seem pushy like Mark, he seemed understanding- to Tyler at least. As well as that, he was pretty. Very pretty. Was now really the best time to be thinking about how cute some guy is? Stuck in your friends apartment with nowhere else to go, with no clothes or money. No it wasn't, but Tyler continued to do so anyway.

"Very pretty," He said quietly under his breath, biting his bottom lip whilst smiling a little, sinking even deeper into the bath.


	3. Right. Now.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> song(s) for chapter:   
> Sugar Pill - The Japanese House

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so this is a SUPER short chapter because i've been busy today but i wanted to upload for anyone reading :) just a reminder this is a slow build so please be patient, tyler WILL leave the house at some point and the storyline will stop being so similar, its all part of the plot :p love u for reading x

"Tyler I'm leaving now, see you." Mark said through the door, Tyler lying, dozing in bed.

He sat up in bed, taking in his surroundings. He'd been in here for a good while now and he still hadn't actually properly looked around the room. It was practically bare, kind of like a hotel room, but less friendly. The walls were painted a bleak beige colour and they were completely blank, no pictures or wall hangings, just a light and windows on the opposite side. The carpet was also a boring beige colour, it was almost like when Mark had moved into this apartment, he didn't even open the door to this room. Tyler only liked one thing about this room, the tremendous window. It was arch shaped and stretched from ceiling to floor, excluding the sill. It made Tyler feel like he could be outside, walking amongst the daily hustle and bustle whilst he was in the safety of his room.

He got out of bed and took a seat by the window, shivering slightly in the cold morning air. The street was already full of commuters making their way to work, to school and some making their way home from night shifts. Mark's apartment was at the end of a side road that came off the high street and Tyler loved to people watch, watch the shops and cafes open up, watch the rushing business men grab their coffees and sandwiches and sprint off to work. He loved to watch all the different types of students making their way to college and school. The arty ones, carrying their art folders full of colourful pencils and intricate drawings. The music ones, headphones firmly in their ears, wearing some odd new indie clothes and his favourite, the English students; head deeply buried in a book, often very cute, intriguing looking people. He wished he could be down there with them, talk to them, play piano with them over lunch break, but it just wasn't going to happen. He could barely leave these four walls.

Tyler's attention was quickly shifted over to the street below him, he'd seen a flash of red and heard a car door slam. Josh was here. He was waiting to cross the road, holding his back pack over one shoulder and squinting his eyes in the soft glow of the morning. Tyler smiled fondly, he couldn't help but feel a little attraction towards Josh- nothing serious, but yet still there.

He hastily hopped off the window sill and scrambled to find some clothes. He heard a knock on the door and he froze. Didn't Josh have a key or something? Fuck. He'd have to answer it. His socks slipped on the floor beneath him and he steadied himself on the wall, pausing a minute to catch his breath before opening the door to Josh.

"Sorry! Forgot my key!" Josh was breathing heavily after running up the numerous flights of stairs. His cheeks were lightly flushed pink underneath the dusting of freckles around his nose. His hair was peeking out from underneath his grey snapback again, which was at a jaunty angle on his head.

Today his arms were exposed and Tyler was shocked. Josh's right arm was completely covered in a colourful sleeve. A mixture of oranges, greens and blues all intertwined together, twisting from his forearm up to his shoulder.

"Ah, you like my sleeve?" Josh's face softened into a big smile, lifting his arm to reveal even more of the tattoo. The back of his arm was covered in a black, orange and red space-like scene. It was rather breath-taking and Tyler was too distracted to even respond to Josh.

"Uh, Yeah! It's neat." Tyler avoided eye contact with Josh, shifting his focus from the tattoo, to his own feet.

"Well, I have to sort this drum kit out in the back. You can come with me if you'd like, Mark said you like music, I won't take it personally if you don't feel like it, I can keep myself company." Josh smiled affectionately, his pretty eyes looking deep into Tyler's.

Tyler was caught off guard and wasn't completely sure what to do. Deep down he wanted nothing more than to sit with Josh and chat, but his head and body physically wouldn't let him. He'd probably sit there, stuttering and staring at the floor making Josh and himself feel awkward.

"Maybe later, I should shower and eat..." Tyler said quietly and hurried off to his room. Josh wasn't surprised by Tyler's answer, but he seemed slightly disappointed that he was left alone once again because like Tyler, he wanted to sit and talk too. He was intrigued by Tyler.

Tyler shut the door and pressed his back up against it, shutting his eyes and breathing deeply. He was proud of himself. He'd actually spoken to someone other than Mark, properly, not just a quick and awkward hello- actual words came out his mouth. His heart was racing, it was exhilarating actually doing something that you didn't think would happen. He smiled and walked into the bathroom, a little satisfied nod to himself in the mirror as he passed it. The water running from the shower head was cold, but he left it to warm up as he took his clothes off. He thought about how he had no more clothes and how none of Mark's fit him properly. The high street was right next to the apartment, but he didn't think he could physically bring himself to go out alone yet, especially when all the kids his age were out.

Stepping into the shower, he let out a loud squeal as a stream of freezing cold water hit his back. 

"Jeez!" He yelled, jumping backwards into the corner where the water couldn't get him.

"H-Hey! Tyler! Are you alright in there?!" Josh's panicked voice came through the door. Fuck. Tyler was metres away from Josh, butt naked and shivering. 

"Yeah, yeah. The water's cold that's all." Tyler muttered and grabbed the towel from the sink, wrapping it around his waist. Thinking Josh would have left from behind the door, he pulled it open, ready to scuttle down the corridor to grab a new shirt from the back room. But instead of the empty corridor he thought he'd be met with, he was met with an open-mouthed Josh. 

"Oh, I'll just... I'll go in here." Josh stuttered, eyebrows raised, gritting his teeth. 

Tyler's stomach was flipping, being naked in front of people wasn't something he did often, especially someone he barely knew. Although his anxiety was rushing through him right now, practically making him vibrate, he couldn't help feel a little smug inside. He'd left Josh basically speechless, standing there with his jaw hitting the flaw, in shock that Tyler's tanned, fragile body was on display in front of him. The small v-lines Tyler had peeking out at the top of the towel, any lower down, everything would've been on show for Josh to see. Tyler kicked himself for being so anxious and awkward, because if he had the balls, he would've dropped that towel so he and Josh could've been fucking on the couch by now. 

He stopped in his trail of thought, disgusted by himself. He didn't know this man, he was ten years older than Tyler and he probably had some sort of girlfriend. Tyler pulled on a t-shirt and some loose shorts and braced himself, before walking into the lounge to see Josh sat forward, fiddling with some drumsticks and a skin. 

"Oh! S-Sorry about before, I just wanted to make sure you were okay, I didn't mean to, y'know, intrude..." Josh's eyebrows furrowed and he looked up at Tyler apologetically. 

"No... It's fine, I was just going to get a shirt. What are you doing?" Tyler scratched the back of his neck and sat gingerly on the edge of the couch, earning a small smile from Josh, who was pleased Tyler finally realised he didn't bite.

"I'm just cleaning up this drum skin. Obviously a hardcore drummer used it, blood  _everywhere_!" Josh opened his hands widely, showing Tyler how much mess there was.

Tyler didn't reply after that, but instead shuffled slightly more onto the couch and watched Josh intently, his eyes focused on Josh's hands, biting his bottom lip daintily. The silence gave Tyler a little time to finally analyse Josh's features up close. He was really exquisite; he had a sharp jawline, covered in a light stubble, a perfectly curved nose adorning a small nose ring, eyes that permanently smiled and in his ears were two plugs. He was different to anything Tyler had seen before and he really liked it. He couldn't help but feel like he was right back in high school, crushing on some guy who was sitting in front of him in English class- but this time it was a 27 year old man, mature and kind. Probably the type of guy who wouldn't care if Tyler was gay, in fact, Tyler felt like he sensed a strong gay or bisexual vibe from Josh. Being in the music industry, into art and his image- he felt wrong for assuming, but a little part of him almost prayed Josh was, because then he wouldn't feel just as bad for crushing on him slightly.

"Are you into music?" Josh glanced up from his work and tilted his head quizzically at Tyler.

"Um, kind of. I play piano and keyboard, that sort of stuff. I tried with bass but my dumb hands were too small and weak." He put his hand in the air as if to show Josh how small they were and Josh chuckled.

"Woah! Man, you have small hands. No offence obviously, but they make mine look like giants!" Josh laughed, his eyes doing the cute squinty thing Tyler now recognised and waited for. 

Tyler was taken by surprise when Josh grabbed his wrist and pulled his hand up to meet his own. A volt of what felt like electricity raced through Tyler's hand. He wasn't used to human contact, nobody ever needed it from him and he didn't feel comfortable asking for it from anyone. He awkwardly pulled away though, not knowing what to do or say next. 

"Uh, I'm gonna go and eat something in my room, it was nice talking to you..." Tyler murmured and once again hurried off to his room. He sat on the bed for a short while, before going to the piano and tapping out a faint, pretty tune knowing that Josh would be able to hear. 

He was interrupted by the door slamming shut, followed by Mark greeting Josh and thanking him for sorting the drum skins out. Tyler pressed his ear up against the door so he could hear their conversation better. 

"It was nice, we had a short conversation which is getting somewhere. I enjoyed talking to him, he's a lovely guy, such a shame he's so timid..." Tyler heard Josh say and he cringed, that's what everybody said. 

"Yeah, he has so much potential, I just wish he would realise we aren't all out to get him, y'know..." Mark agreed with Josh and exchanged a few more words.

The door clicked shut and the apartment quickly fell silent, Josh's presence had left the building and Tyler could feel it. His lungs deflated along with his body, sitting limply on his bedroom floor, letting out a sigh, he wanted Josh to come around again right now, not tomorrow morning. Right. Now.


	4. Lemon kinda guy.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> song(s) for chapter:   
> Trouble - Coldplay  
> Landfill - Daughter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you guys have any suggestions for what you'd like to read/characters i should introduce let me know in the comments or tweet me @semiautomtaic :) lots of love

It was only 7am and Tyler was already in the shower, his head engulfed in a hat of bubbles and his bronzed skin lathered in soapy water. He couldn't believe he actually felt motivated enough to do this, make an effort, wake himself up and it was all for Josh. He continued to shower for a while, enjoying the warmth he got from the steamy, heated water streaming down his back, before hopping out and drying himself off with the closest towel. He'd made sure the nicest clothes he had were clean and ensured he wasn't wearing Mark's oversized stuff.

He decided on a plain, kinda baggy, black t-shirt with black skinny jeans that this time, were actually skinny. The house was cold but he didn't want to completely cover everything up, he thought possibly his tattoos could be a conversation starter with Josh, so he wanted them to be visible. Looking around the wardrobe, there was barely anything he'd dare to wear, but he came across a black, long, flowery kimono. This must have been Mark's girlfriend's before they split, he just never got rid of it. Kinda sad really, but Tyler thanked her in his head, for giving him something nice to wear. Tyler was satisfied with his outfit, he was tired of the same old every day, considering back home he loved to wear flowery button up shirts and weird patterns tees. 

The window was calling Tyler, so he got up off the side of the bed and sat cross-legged on the window sill, resting his elbow on his knee and his head in the palm of his hand. He, again, watched the general hustle and bustle of the street, but unlike last time, he was really waiting for somebody. Not just mindlessly passing the time. A sick feeling was in his throat and his stomach had practically erupted into butterflies- he couldn't quite believe himself. Tyler didn't take himself for a quick faller-in-lover, he thought he would take charming, being treated like a prince, taken on many dates. But then he remembered how socially anxious he was and how it was virtually impossible for anyone to do those things for him since he felt like a burden.  

His trail of thought was stopped as soon as he saw the same flash of red as he saw yesterday. Josh was walking down the street, a spring in his step, a little soft smile on his lips. Tyler bit his bottom lip, his eyes focused intently on Josh, Josh's shapely thighs pressing through his tight leather jeans, Josh's muscly arms bulging a little through his camo jacket and Josh's eyes, he wanted to see where Josh was looking, would Josh be looking for Tyler the same way he was for Josh? Josh's eyes flicked up to the window where Tyler was curled up and Tyler quickly began fiddling with his hands, busying himself so he didn't look as if he was waiting for Josh, which was exactly what he was doing. 

A tame knock came through from the lounge and Tyler leaped off the window sill, rushing through the lounge and to the front door. He stood up straight, looking at the door frame, knowing just on the other side of the thin wood stood Josh. He breathed deeply, trying desperately to compose his anxious self before greeting Josh. 

"Morning! You're already up and dressed! I'm impressed!" Josh smiled fondly at Tyler, the adorable crinkles at the corners of his eyes forming. 

"Y-Yeah I am. Y'know, once you're awake it's hard to sleep again," Tyler said, stuttering slightly and his voice shaking. He was in awe of himself, he was really standing here right now talking to somebody without his body going into lock down. There was just something about Josh that was comforting, you felt as if you could tell him your past, all your secrets and he wouldn't judge you at all. 

"I feel you, I wish I could sleep in but I'm an early bird now- I kinda have to be thanks to Mark!" Josh waved his hand in the air, walking towards the couches and putting his backpack down. 

"It's warm in here isn't it?" Josh said, removing his jacket, exposing his toned arms which turned Tyler's legs to jelly.

Tyler stifled a smile as he thought about making a comment like, "No it's just you," but he decided against that- or more like his anxiety decided against that. 

"Kinda, yeah, but you're also wearing a pretty heavy jacket," Tyler pointed to it and Josh chuckled.

"You're right, you're the well dressed one here! A perfect outfit for this weather, might be a little hot in the sun but definitely aesthetically pleasing right!" Josh tugged on the torso of Tyler's kimono. Tyler couldn't help but give Josh a bashful smile and lick his bottom lip, taken aback by the compliment he'd received.

"Now, I don't want to ruin this nice conversation we're having, but Mark has asked me for a favour..." Josh's face fell a little bit and he winced as if Tyler was going to hit him.

"Oh. What is it?" Tyler's stomach was flipping repeatedly and not in the good way, he wanted to throw up. 

"Well, he organised an appointment for you. A therapy appointment just ten minutes on the train. He said I should take you, I know it's kinda weird, we hardly know each other but I know how these things go, I was non-stop in and out of therapy when I was your age. We can go shopping after maybe, whilst it's quiet?" Josh suggested, biting down hard on his bottom lip, so worried for Tyler's response.

"I-I can't. I can't go." Tyler's eyes were full of fear, his heart pumping way faster than was healthy.

"I know Tyler, I know, we just need to go, to show you're willing to get help. I'll do all the talking, you can just sit and look out a window or something." Josh's eyes looked desperately into Tyler's and Tyler softened. 

"Fine." He rubbed his eyes, he couldn't believe what he was doing. He hadn't left the house since he arrived, he was going to be out in fresh air but more worrying, he was going to be surrounded by the general public and if anything happened, like a panic attack, Josh wouldn't know what to do. Josh seemed parental and father like, but that wasn't quite how Tyler had pictured in his head, the only parental way he'd see Josh in, is if he had a daddy kink.

Tyler put his black vans on and Josh stood scrolling through his phone, waiting. The pair walked down several flights of stairs before coming out into daylight, which hit Tyler like a truck. The fresh air was something else, walking down the street Tyler couldn't seem to stop filling his lungs with it. It was clean, not the same air he'd been breathing in for the past four or five days. The street to the train station was thankfully quiet, but Tyler still stayed close to Josh. He wished he could grab Josh's hand tightly for security, that's what he'd do with his mom and Madison, if it was his brothers they would walk so that their shoulders touched, but he couldn't do that with Josh. He couldn't explain that he needed security in public. Josh would think he was a weird, clingy freak.

They reached the station and Josh paused, turning to Tyler and asking him, "Are you okay? We have a few minutes now, I'll get us tickets and then we can wait for the train."

"I'll come and get the tickets with you." Tyler insisted, staying right by Josh's side.

Josh smiled sympathetically and nodded, walking over to the ticket booth. 

"One adult and one student ticket, please." He smiled to the ticket lady, but Tyler stood next to him cringing. He always forgot about the major age gap between them and he suddenly felt like he was dragging Josh down, like a dumb little kid.

"What's wrong? Your face has dropped completely!" Josh tucked the tickets in his back pocket and looked at Tyler concerned. 

"Nothing. You don't have to do this you know, I don't want to be a burden-" Tyler was interrupted.

"Don't start the burden crap with me Tyler, you are not a burden, this is important for your health and besides, I like spending time with you, whether it be in the apartment or taking you for a dumb appointment." Josh put his hand on Tyler's shoulder and gave it a solid, reassuring rub. 

Tyler shook his head sheepishly and smiled at Josh, grateful he was so understanding. He hadn't met someone who was like this before and he prayed desperately this wouldn't disappear, he needed this relationship, whatever relationship they had, he needed it.

The train slowed and came to a complete standstill, Tyler's heart sank. Part of him hoped the train never arrived and he could just walk back home with Josh, listen to him talk about drum tech and tattoos all afternoon. But sadly the train had arrived and Josh was ushering Tyler to follow him down the walkway, to two seats next to a window he had found. They sat down opposite each other and Josh folded one leg over the other, nudging Tyler's leg as he did so. He mouthed a "Sorry!" and continued to fix his eyes on the landscape out the window. 

Tyler's insides were ablaze practically, he really didn't want to go this therapy appointment, especially with Josh who he was quickly developing feelings for. On the other hand, he was enjoying this time, right now, that he was spending with him. He could sit and watch him peacefully staring out the window, his beautiful features enhanced by the light and the shadows created by the sun and passing trees. The sun from the past few days had brought out more freckles around his nose on his cheeks, they looked so pretty on him and extenuated how engaging his eyes were. He was so much bigger than Tyler, not literally, but there was something about him that felt strong, dominant and powerful compared to Tyler and it was so attractive. 

"It's our stop, come on." Josh leaned forward and tapped Tyler's knee, gesturing for him to get up and walk behind him to the doors. 

They stepped off the train and suddenly, Tyler felt like the world was caving in around him as he saw the familiar building where his old appointments were held. The building was a thirty second walk from the station and seeing it right in front of him, made all of his sad realities come rushing back to him. No more thoughts of how pretty Josh was, were rushing around in his head, just the terrible things he thinks about himself and how scared of the world he was. 

Josh sensed Tyler's anxiety building up and grabbed his arm, "You're going to be fine Tyler, I'm here."

Tyler wished he could believe that, even with Josh's strong arm around his shoulders, he didn't feel as safe as he thought he would. Nothing would keep him safe from the harsh reality of his anxieties.

He looked deep into Josh's acorn brown eyes, speckled with hazel, "I can't do this Josh." He started to cry, his bottom lip trembling and his tongue prodding the side of his cheek. 

"You can Tyler, you have to." Josh held both of Tyler's shoulders in his hands firmly, his eyes locked onto Tyler's dark, chestnut brown ones. 

Tyler wriggled free of Josh's grip and began pacing circles in front of him, hands shaking vigorously and his cheeks sodden, tears streaming down them. Josh hastily reached forward, pushing Tyler against the brick wall of the building next to them, steadying him and refraining him from the anxious pacing. 

"Tyler, stop!" Josh said, desperate to try and help Tyler out of this terribly upsetting state, but nothing would work. He leaned down to Tyler, crouching on the floor against the wall whimpering and wrapped his arms around him.

Tyler was too upset to care that Josh was cocooned around him, but Josh continued to hold him tightly, his hands clutched around each other, locking Tyler in against his chest. He wasn't saying anything, only breathing steadily and letting Tyler cry into his chest. Tyler felt Josh place his chin on his head, taking a deep sigh against Tyler's wet cheeks and whispering, "I didn't mean for this, you don't have to do this right now, let's go." 

Tyler stood up, Josh not letting his strong grip go whilst doing so. Tyler had calmed down and began to feel safe in Josh's arms. He was so thankful Josh was here rather than Mark, because Mark would have gotten him into that building if he had to drag him along the floor kicking and screaming, but Josh didn't. Josh held him tightly and made him feel like the whole world wasn't against him, made him feel like he had someone there on his side. Finally. 

They walked down the street, Tyler counted four blocks before he became distracted by Josh. His arm was still wrapped around him tightly and Tyler felt secure whilst out in public, for the first time in his life. 

"Do you want to go home? Or do you want to go somewhere else for a little while? I know a lot of peaceful places, maybe you'd like them?" Josh loosened his grip on Tyler and scratched the side of his head inquisitively.

Tyler desperately wanted to get away with Josh; sit on a sandy beach with the waves lapping at his feet, sit in the middle of an empty forest, nothing but greenery and wildlife surrounding them, sit on the top of a hill and look down on the people below them. He wanted peace and he wanted Josh. But not now. He couldn't face an unfamiliar place after the events of this morning. 

"I-I'm so tired, I don't think I feel like it right now, Josh. Maybe we could get a coffee on the high street and go back to the apartment. My body hurts and I look like a mess." Tyler frowned at Josh apologetically, watching Josh's face drop into an disappointed expression. 

"No, that's okay. Of course, Tyler. You must feel like crap right now, let's get you some caffeine and a cake or something and go back to Mark's place, his shift is almost over anyway." Josh grabbed Tyler's shoulder again and Tyler's body relaxed again underneath his touch. 

They walked back to the train station, Josh constantly glancing to Tyler to ensure he was okay and not panicking. Tyler felt terrible for making Josh pay for train tickets, take time out of his day to take him to therapy, only to break down and embarrass him in the car park, he just wanted to speak his feelings but that wasn't possible for him yet. Yet. 

The train journey home was relatively quiet, Josh asking Tyler a few things about his past like where he lived in Ohio, how many siblings he had and if he played any sports. Tyler could tell Josh purposefully edged around school and parents since Mark must have explained a little and for that he was grateful. He didn't want to start another episode on the train, which he'd now decided was his time to watch Josh, enjoy Josh and appreciate his beauty. 

-

"This is my favourite coffee house, its busy so we can take the coffee home, but when it's empty one day I'll take you. I have a lot of places I'd love to show you! We would have a lot of fun." Josh smiled as he held the door open for Tyler. 

Tyler was smiling like a teenage girl hearing Josh say that. Josh wanted to take Tyler places. In this friendship that had only been a thing for two days, Josh had already decided he wanted to take Tyler to his places and Tyler wanted to kiss the life out of Josh. Quite different feelings from both ends, but Tyler hoped they could compromise and meet in the middle one day, if his anxiety ever left his head. 

"We'll have two coffees please and a lemon muffin thanks!" Josh pointed through the glass at the array of delicious treats. 

"I love lemon muffins, how did you know?" Tyler nudged Josh's elbow and Josh bit his lip, smiling.

"I can tell when someone's a lemon kinda guy, or a chocolate kinda guy." Josh wiggled his eyebrows and laughed, his tongue peeking out between his teeth.

He was so cute. Tyler literally stood in this bustling coffee shop, oblivious to all the people around him, hardly any anxiety in his mind right now, all because of Josh. He couldn't take his eyes off him, he was such a happy, friendly and warm guy. He cared so much about Tyler, someone he barely even knew, and Tyler was taken aback, he hadn't been shown this much affection since he was a child. 

Josh led the way back to the apartment, often turning around to check Tyler was still following and to make a joke about the muffin flavours again, since he couldn't let it go. 

The apartment was just as they left it and Tyler breathed a sigh of relief to be back in the comfort of his home again. He enjoyed being out, especially out with Josh, but he'd forgotten how tired it made him and how stressful the whole situation was for him. The couch looked so inviting, so Tyler slipped his shoes off and flopped backwards, immediately relaxing and eyelids fluttering as if he was going to fall asleep any minute. 

"Thank you for today, Josh." Tyler looked up at him lazily, a fond smile wiped upon his face. 

Josh shook his head humbly, "No, thank you for finally letting me talk to you! I don't bite. We should do it more often, if you're comfortable with that..." 

"Yes, I would like to spend more time with you Josh, you're the first person in a while who I actually get excited to see." Tyler picked his fingernails whilst flushing light pink from admitting that to Josh.

"Oh buddy, I'm glad. Here," Josh leaned forward, taking Tyler's phone and beginning to enter his number in, "Now you can call me if you need in the night, or just if you want some muffin chat." 

Tyler's heart fluttered, he could text Josh at 5am, he could take pictures of the window at dusk and show Josh how pretty it was and how the orange and red colours reminded him of his hair. He was so excited for the hours to pass until it became an acceptable time for him to message Josh thanking him yet again for today. 

"I have to go, I'm sure Mark will be back within the next ten minutes, I don't want to miss my train, can't stand around looking at your pretty face and have the train leave without me can I!" Josh pulled Tyler in for a hug and a pat on the back before one last fond smile, shutting the door behind him. 

Tyler walked back to his room, shutting the door and watching Josh walk quickly down the street, out the window. 

Josh made him feel worth something, when he thought he was nothing.


	5. Stars Aligned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> song(s) for chapter:   
> Breezeblocks - Alt J  
> Ocean Eyes (Astronomyy edit) - Billie Eilish

Tyler could barely sleep that night, he couldn't wait for morning to come so he could see Josh. He wanted tomorrow to be the day that he spoke out about his sexuality to Josh, he wanted Josh to get the hint, maybe get an idea. He wanted a connection with Josh other than Josh feeling sorry for him. He didn't want Josh to be this parental, carer figure. He wanted Josh to be someone important in his life, he'd never felt so comfortable with anyone before, it was like Josh just  _got him_.

It came to 5am and he'd been peeking through his heavy curtains, watching the pink sun rise and the black sky turn to a dusky blue. He'd practically watched every hour go by and he'd given up trying to sleep, the gritty feeling in his eyes was stopping him from shutting them comfortably so he decided to take a shower. His small frame shimmied under the tepid water and he shuddered, he'd hoped it would have been warmer but a cold shower was probably better, to shake off all those thoughts of Josh he'd been having in the dark of the night. 

He'd dreamt that Josh came into his room and came onto him. That Josh pinned him down on the bed dominantly, pressing his big hands firmly onto Tyler's small shoulders, making him feel tiny and insignificant. His dream was so vivid that he could almost feel Josh's soft lips, his rugged stubble scratching delicately on his thighs and flushed cheeks. He pictured Josh getting heated and into the moment, yanking his shirt over his head, revealing his toned torso and v-lines carved into his hips. Just thinking about this in the shower made Tyler bite his lip and close his eyes, Josh was making him hard and he wasn't even here, that's the effect he was having on Tyler and Tyler wasn't sure if he liked the power Josh held on him. 

Tyler dried himself off, throwing a towel low around his waist and walking into the kitchen, another towel drying the back of his head. The fruit on top of the counter was fresh it seemed, Mark must have gone out to the shops after work and get a new batch- the last fruit was dried out and gave the apartment a depressed kinda feel. Deciding not to let that happen to the new stuff, he picked up an apple and a bunch of grapes and took a seat at the breakfast bar, his warm body hitting the cold chair making him shiver slightly. 

The grapes crunched in his mouth and he licked at his lips to catch the excess juice dribbling out his mouth, thanking god Josh wasn't here watching him eating so messily. The kitchen counter was tidier than it usually was, the bills were gone and a lot of the crap Mark hoarded had gone too, but there was a little luminous yellow sticky-note taped to the bread bin. Tyler picked it up, curious to what it would say and if it had any relevance to him. 

"Tyler,

Josh came in at about 2am, locked out his apartment. He's asleep (probably) in spare room next to you. Don't wake him. See u @5pm

\- Mark"

Tyler's heart started to beat faster, he'd been showering and eating nonchalantly whilst Josh was asleep on the other side of the thin wall. He'd been going about his morning daily duties, nearly butt naked, with Josh just across the hall. He gingerly stepped down the hallway quietly, making sure not to make any major noises that would cause Josh to stir. 

He reached the door, pressing his ear against it to hear if Josh was awake or doing anything, but he didn't hear a peep. His hand hovered over the rusty doorknob, hesitating to push it down and crack the door open. It stayed like this for a few minutes, but he finally decided to nudge the door open a slither, standing pressed against it to ensure no light poured in to disturb the darkness of the room. 

He scanned the room, eyes darting from side to side trying to find where Josh was, until his eyes landed on the uneven figure outlined under the blanket. He was beautiful, his innocence showed on his sleeping face, his peaceful and serene dreams blocking out the dangers of the outside and his soft breathing making the world seem to stand still. The covers over his chest rose and fell gently to the pattern of his breathing, he was absolutely breathtaking. Tyler almost felt all anxieties leave his body watching Josh sleep, he was so tranquil and looked at peace with the world. Tyler was almost jealous. 

Unexpectedly, Josh took a large breath in and stretched his arms up, groaning a little as his muscles tensed. Tyler was caught off guard and utterly froze, eyes fixated on Josh. 

"Oh! Good morning!" Josh hitched himself up, sitting at the edge of the bed. He was only wearing boxer shorts, his torso completely bare. His eyes were slightly puffy from sleep and his hair was tousled and messy, flopping over the side of his face cutely. 

"Good morning, I just came to see if you wanted breakfast." Tyler lied, tracing his bottom lip with his tongue anxiously, heavily breathing at the sight in front of him.

"I should probably get up really, I'll make myself something- Wait, come closer, what's that on your chest?" Josh stood up, wobbling slightly due to his sleepiness. He put his hand firmly on Tyler's shoulder and stared curiously at his chest. 

"It's my tattoo..." Tyler said softly, twisting his arm to show Josh the others as Josh looked in amazement. 

"They're- They're beautiful man! Really, I love them, they're solid and intricate, just what I like." Josh was still staring at Tyler's exposed torso, Tyler actually doing the same, in awe of Josh's beautifully sculpted body. 

"Look at us both standing here half naked, we should probably go into the lounge or something before I make a move on you or something!" Josh laughed, hitting Tyler on his ass as he walked off down the corridor. 

Tyler just stood there in shock, in the past 10 minutes, he'd watched Josh serenely sleeping, been caught, had his naked body examined by Josh and seen him semi-naked. He could still feel Josh's hand on his ass, tingles travelling through his entire body. 

"Tyler, where are you?!" Josh called from the kitchen, shaking Tyler out of his trail of thought. 

Tyler scurried out of the spare room and down the hall, clinging tightly onto his towel, "I'm here!" 

The soft blush of the morning sun radiated through the mullioned panes of glass, bathing the black and white kitchen tile floor in a criss-cross of iridescent colour; illuminating Josh's bare, freckled back. He looked particularly angelic in the dewiness of the morning, the light created subtle shadows around his muscles, exaggerating the beautiful curves and lines of his body. He really was breathtaking and Tyler couldn't stop staring at him.

"I thought we'd go out today, if you were up to it." Josh looked up from behind his mug of scalding, black coffee.

"Um, yeah. Where?" Tyler walked to the radiator, picking up his baggy black shirt and pulling it over his head to cover his exposed skin.

"Well I was going to take you shopping, for clothes, but I know you don't like crowds so I thought I'd take you to one of my favourite places- the forest." Josh licked the excess coffee from his bottom lip and smiled optimistically at Tyler.

Tyler was unsure, he knew how much new places made him anxious and he didn't want to have another distressing panic attack, or leave Josh exasperated again. On the other hand, he knew he was safe with Josh and that Josh wouldn't do anything on purpose to put him in danger, or to upset him.

"Okay, that sounds nice. Where is it?" Tyler asked, his brows furrowing as he picked up Josh's coffee and took a timid sip.

"It's literally a five minute walk, it's weird that nobody is ever there, considering how close it is to the high street." Josh responded, grinning fondly as Tyler continued to drink his coffee.

"That's cool, let me put some pants on and we can go," Tyler put Josh's coffee down and sauntered down the corridor before turning around, "You might want to put some clothes on too. It's been nice admiring you for the past twenty minutes, but I'm not sure the people of Ohio want to see it." Leaving Josh in the kitchen, flushing a deep pink and looking rather sheepish. 

Tyler tugged on his skinny, black Jeans and grabbed the kimono from the back of a chair, quickly darting into the bathroom to straighten up his feathery hair. He stared at himself, having a silent pep talk in his head telling him not to mess this up and to stop acting like a timid baby. 

Josh was stood waiting at the door for Tyler, wearing a white t-shirt covered in black scribbles that stopped just at his black jean's waistline. He looked so effortless, his tousled, fiery hair tucked, once again, underneath a grey snapback. Tyler found himself staring mindlessly again, he was in awe of this beautiful boy and he wanted nothing more than to just kiss his soft, smiling lips. Just once. 

"Let's go. Hey, you're wearing the kimono again, only you could pull that off!" Josh shut the door behind the two of them, placing his hand on Tyler's lower back.

"Thanks, you pull off a white shirt pretty good too." Tyler said sarcastically, earning a fond eye roll from Josh. 

-

They walked down the high street, Josh rambling to Tyler about how much he loves Ohio and wouldn't move for the world, but Tyler wasn't listening. Tyler was smiling like an idiot, staring straight ahead of him because he couldn't stop thinking about what the pair looked like to passers by. They were both dressed very differently, Josh- this individual, inviting-looking, smiley Punk and Tyler, this small boy, walking timidly and gingerly next to Josh, adorning a flowery, floaty top. People must have had some weird thoughts, but Tyler wished they thought the pair were together. Together as in, romantically involved. He wanted Josh to proudly hold his hand down the street, he wanted them to walk this street every day, go for a coffee and hold hands, sit by the pond in the park together and after an hour rush back to their apartment to kiss. To kiss hungrily, he wanted to please Josh, run his hands all over Josh's toned torso, tangle his hands in Josh's curls, he wanted Josh to pin him down, kissing down his snail trail, unbuckle his belt and swirl his tongue around his dick. He wanted to be dominated by Josh, to call Josh what he'd fantasized- Daddy. He wanted to tease Josh, to put him through agony in public. He wanted Josh. He had to do something about it.

Josh continued to walk slightly ahead of Tyler, pointing to the large cluster of towering pine trees to their left. They'd arrived. It was beautiful. The sky vanished almost completely, only a few fragments of blue remained- like scattered pieces of an impossible jigsaw puzzle. The air was rich with the fragrance of leaves and loam, damp too. Even so many hours after the rains have passed, the soil remained wet, slowly releasing its heady fog. Outside was the morning daylight, the powerful rays of early summer, but in here everything was cool and the colours had the softness of that time just before twilight. The only movement was the occasional bird, startling in a tree or a squirrel dashing up a nearby trunk. The sound of running water in the brook had the same hypnotic quality as music, Tyler wanted to stop just to drink in the sound. He took in all the air his lungs would hold and exhaled it slowly.

"Do you like it?" Josh looked up at Tyler hopefully, as he got himself comfortable on a large boulder.

"It's- Yes. I love it." Tyler was speechless and sat himself down next to Josh, their knees in contact.

"Good. This is my favourite place, I've never brought anyone here- you're special." Josh stared out to the vast lake behind the trees ahead of them. 

"Really? Why am I special, I'm just a random anxious kid you've been forced to look after." Tyler's brows furrowed together and he fiddled with the sticks and leaves next to him.

"Seriously Tyler? No. That's not what you are. At first it was that. But I've gotten to know you, very quickly it may be, but I have and I do really enjoy spending time with you, you are interesting and quiet, easy to talk to and you're the first person who hasn't asked me about my personal life which I appreciate. We have the same sense of humour, we like the same music and we both like lemon muffins over chocolate. It's like the stars aligned for us to meet, so no, I don't think you're a random anxious kid who I was forced to look after, I think you're someone close to my heart." Josh said, a slight anger filled with passion clear in his voice. 

Tyler was taken aback, he didn't realise his measly, timid soul could have any sort of impact on someone that wasn't a bad one. He couldn't believe Josh felt this way and in that split second, he'd fallen so much deeper in love than before. He hadn't even realised it had started raining lightly around them and his once feathery hair, was now flattened and slightly sodden. It just made the musky smell of the forest more prominent and made Josh look even more beautiful. 

"You enjoying the view?" Josh laughed sarcastically, catching Tyler staring at him.

"You're beautiful." Tyler said sheepishly, blushing lightly and looking out to the lake. 

"Wh- What?" Josh's head snapped to face Tyler, his brows knitting together, shocked and confused.

"Yeah. You're beautiful. You have the prettiest hazel eyes, flecked with green and gold. Your eye crinkles make my knees weak, Josh. You get me. I just needed you to know that." Tyler was trembling, his breath audibly shaky.

" I- Thank you. You're truly lovely, Tyler." Josh smiled, clasping his hand tightly.

"No, you don't understand Josh. I dream of you, I fantasize about us, I want to kiss you." Tyler looked up from their touching hands, his eyes filled with anxiety and worry for Josh's response.

"Do it then," Josh's eyes flicked up and met Tyler's, his face was straight, almost emotionless, "Do it." 

It almost sounded like Josh was challenging Tyler, as if he thought he couldn't actually kiss him. But Tyler into leaned closer to Josh warily, placing his petite hand on Josh's broad, tensed shoulder. His heart was racing, he couldn't believe what he was about to do and he was scared of Josh's reaction- what if he pulled away, like it was a joke. But he couldn't wait any longer, debating whether it was the right move or not. He pressed his lips against Josh's, cupping his hand on Josh's stubbly cheek. 

Josh deepened the kiss, lapping up the droplets from Tyler's lips, and Tyler felt Josh's lips smile against his own. Tyler pushed Josh's jumper aside and kissed him just over the collarbone, then began nibbling at his ear, sinking himself into Josh's muscly arms. Josh hung my fingers onto Tyler's waistband, dragging him closer. Tyler didn't realise a kiss is could be of the most sensual happenings, aside from sex and he loved it. The red-haired boy's lips were warm and tasted of mint; he had obviously been chewing gum earlier. His hands were wrapped around Tyler's waist now and Tyler's were locked around his neck pulling him down slightly. When they broke apart for air, Tyler rested his forehead against Josh's and gathered some much needed oxygen. His smirk said everything and Tyler smiled back, falling into his hold.

"Josh, I-" He stammered, wiping the back of his hand over his wet mouth. 

"I didn't know you felt like that." Josh said, staring deeply into Tyler's frightened eyes. 

"I have since the minute I saw you Josh. You are beautiful, you're the only one who understands me Josh. You're everything to me in the world right now, you're all I have at the moment. I couldn't sit and tell you, I thought you had a girlfriend or something or would just punch me straight in the face." Tyler babbled, rain dripping off his nose and into his mouth. 

"Come here." Josh said, a hesitant worry bubbling in Tyler's eyes. The swirls of emotion made Tyler gasp slightly. Lust and desire. However, before he could ponder about it further, Josh yanked Tyler to him and covered his mouth with his in a hungry kiss. As their lips crushed together, Tyler felt like he was walking on air. It was magic, the way their lips connected. His mouth was so warm, the caress of his lips softer than Tyler could have imagined and he opened my mouth with a low moan.

"We should go back to the apartment, before someone walks past." Josh flicked his wet hair, spraying water everywhere in front of him. Tyler nodded quickly and looked into his eyes, emitting a small, excited sigh when he noted the lustful look glazing over in his eyes. It’s like Tyler just enchanted Josh, ensnaring him with his gaze. Tyler could sense him squirming with desire, as was he, even standing behind him the scent of his cologne was drifting in through his nostrils, a scent he was quickly becoming addicted to. A tingling sensation disrupted Tyler's ruse and he had realised the tables had turned. He was now caught in Josh's web. This game of desire was intoxicating.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry i didnt upload the past two days!!! i'm kinda busy with personal stuff so sorry for that :)  
> but HOolloolly shit! finally tyler did something thank god sorry if it seemed rush i was bored as hell with that slow build. im excited to keep writing and give yall a plot twist u wont expect ;;;))))
> 
> p.s i dont think my updates will be every single day because im not in the best place mentally so just bear with me! i will do my best! thank u for ur lovely responses :)


	6. Kneel down.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> song(s) for chapter:  
> As You Are - The Weeknd  
> Fitzpleasure - Alt J

Tyler power walked down the high street, following behind Josh who was walking just as hastily. He felt like every fibre of his being was vibrating with anticipation. Adrenaline was coursing through his veins. His hands trembled and his eyes were wide. He felt like a mouse, waiting to be pounced on by a cat. The excitement wired his body like he was plugged into the mains. He felt like his brain was on fast-forward and there was no off switch.

"Keep up." Josh turned his head around, his eyes piercing through Tyler's. 

Tyler almost felt like anxiety didn't exist, he was walking a short way behind Josh and even though there was a slight nauseous feeling in the pit of his stomach at the fact he wasn't being protected by anyone, the butterflies fluttering inside him took over. He'd walked these streets his whole life, he knew them just the same as if they were etched in his head with a sharp knife, scored in deep like some strange work of art.

These were the streets he grew up on and for the most part he was calm here, in Ohio, on the down low with a steady heart beat. Not today though. Today his heart wanted out of his chest. It wanted to beat free of its cage. It pounded like it was going to crack a rib. Tyler's senses were on high alert. Every colour was brighter, every noise louder, every stranger a cause to make his heart beat more fiercely still. He never thought he'd be walking down these streets, following a fiery red haired boy with deep hazel eyes and a beautiful smile, with the way his lips lifted upward. The way his one dimple crinkled. The way his teeth were perfectly aligned. The warm glow his happiness gave. His smile was a ray of sunshine, and Tyler was the sunburn.

The two of them reached Mark's apartment, Josh hovering at the top of the stairs, breathing heavily waiting for Tyler. 

Tyler smiled, knowing full well that Josh was about to seduce him. Even before Josh touched him, Tyler felt his hands and his lungs expanding with briny air. Josh's voice had a lilt Tyler wasn't used to - his words soft with the smile that already played on his face. The next thing Tyler knew, Josh had slammed his lips against him and nearly knocked all the wind from Tyler's lungs. He hardly had a moment to react before Josh pressed his tongue to the seam of his lips and, at Tyler's grant of access, delved inside his mouth. It was a very sloppy kiss, with the strong scent of manly cologne being exchanged in the intermingling of their billowing breaths. Tyler's arms reached up and tangled around Josh's thick, strong neck. In an instant Tyler had pulled away and arched up into Josh's broad chest, moaning in the contact of body heat against his own, before he drew back into Josh's lips. 

Tyler felt a hot breath on his neck, then the tender brush of Josh's soft, warm lips. Burning as they made contact with his neck. Josh's hand through his hair, as the kisses became harder and more urgent. Another hand slid around Tyler's waist, pulling him closer to his toned body.   


"Josh-" Tyler shut his eyes in ecstasy, breathing deeply against the wall Josh had pinned him against.

Josh smirked, his mouth still planting hot, wet kisses down Tyler's neck as Tyler shuddered from the touch. Tyler's fingers teased at the bottom of Josh's damp shirt, he wanted it off. He peeled the soaked shirt from Josh's torso, exposing the freckled, pale, glowing skin, melting Tyler inside. Josh's finger tips were electric, they must have been, for wherever they touched Tyler, his skin tingled in a frenzy of static. As Josh's hands moved over Tyler's skin, his body had a transitory paralysis, his mind unable to process the pleasure so fast. Josh's head moved around to his left ear and he whispered what was coming next. Suddenly Tyler's body was off pause-mode and he pulled back for a kiss that was both soft and hard, Josh palming his bulging crotch in his hand. Both of them moved in an intoxicated dance of limbs, never making the exact same moves twice. 

"Josh, I need to put these clothes on to dry!" Tyler arched his back, reaching for both of their soggy t-shirts.

"For fucks sake Tyler, we'll put them on the radiator, but as of right now, there's other things that need taking care of." He said sternly, eyes once again clouded over, looking down to the painfully large bulge in his pants.

"Oh- Yeah..." Tyler smirked, cheeks flushing at how naive he was. He'd waited all week for Josh's electrifying touch, for their lips to meet, to feel Josh's hot hands against his fragile body, yet he was more bothered about drying his wet clothes. 

"Kneel down." Josh ordered Tyler, and he happily obliged.

Josh undid the buckle on his jeans' belt and Tyler smiled. Bigger than before. Kneeling beneath Josh, Tyler's hands found a way to stay busy. That area just beneath Josh's indescribable v-line shape. Just the right pressure. Josh let out an involuntary moan, this was the first time the two had had any sexual content, but Tyler already knew how to please him. Tyler worked for it, pulling Josh in, massaging him, taking all of his length. Then his weak, skinny arms pumped victoriously. Like he was in the biggest rush of his life.

"Use- Use your mouth." Josh bent his head back in pleasure, licking his bottom lip and shutting his eyes, leaning against the wall behind them.

Tyler was nervous, he'd never done this before and he wanted nothing more than to please Josh, so he started bobbing down on his dick. Furious bobbing. Slow sucking. Gentle licking. His hands slippery, sliding, fingers roaming around Josh's thick thighs. 

"You like that?" Tyler stuttered, trying his best to sound as sensual as possible.

"Fuck Tyler, where did you learn to do this- you're so fucking good." Josh bit his bottom lip, eyes full of lust looking down at the younger boy. 

Tyler chuckled and stood up, his hand keeping contact with Josh's length, Josh turning them around and pinning Tyler back against the wall, his hands fumbling to unbuckle the leather belt wrapped around Tyler's slender hips, but something stopped him. Harsh, quick steps were pacing up the stairs outside the door and both of them froze. Josh's pants were around his knees and Tyler was shirtless, gripping Josh's dick- his neck covered in hickeys. 

"Quick, to the bathroom." Josh said, urgency in his voice as he grabbed Tyler's hand, both of them flustered as they could be.

Tyler's mind was starting to fail, like an engine that turns over and over, never kicking into action. He couldn't formulate a thought. Mark was definitely home early, which was typical. Obviously as soon as Josh was about to lay into him, Mark's home. If Mark wasn't giving him a place to stay right now, he would storm out and not come back. He was still hard, as was Josh and by the fearful look in his eyes, he was desperately thinking of a way to cover this up.

 

The two of them ran to the bathroom.

"Take your clothes off." Josh pulled his jeans down the rest of the way, standing stark naked.

"Josh? Really? Right now are you-" Tyler looked at his glorious, naked body confused.

"Don't be stupid Tyler, put your clothes on the radiator. Grab a towel and but it around you. We can tell Mark we got caught in a storm. I'm not going to fuck you just yet, not with a toilet in sight." Josh's voice deepened and so did Tyler's cheeks- a crimson red.

 

Tyler took a moment, sitting on the edge of the bath watching Josh compose himself. "Crush" was such an infantile word, one that must have been invented by older folks, the ones with an interest in belittling young love. Tyler hated it. He didn't have a crush on Josh, he loved him with the passion hotter than a thousand suns. He was the one. He knew it. He was all that was in his messy mind; he was Tyler's true north. Tyler felt like this wasn't the moment to declare that he, in fact didn't just think Josh was beautiful, he really, truly loved him. 

 

"Hello? Are you home?" Mark's voice came from the hallway and Josh sprung up from his hunch over the sink. 

"I'll go, you stay here. I'll tell him you're drying off or something." Josh whispered to Tyler, Tyler nodding quickly back. 

Tyler was left alone with his thoughts. He exhaled, slouching uncomfortably on the side of the bath. What was he going to do about Josh? That was the question that hovered like a fire breathing dragon into his thoughts. His heart flickered just thinking about him. Josh engaged in the kiss and wanted to take it further, he must have similar feelings, Tyler felt like he could sense it every time they looked at each other. But, he had to be realistic and get his life together. He couldn't live with Mark forever, decaying until Josh came over. He had stuff to sort out, a job to get, a flat to find. He couldn't keep running. And, he couldn't get all wrapped up in the thought of Josh saving him. Josh being the guy to turn his life around, he well might be, but he could just be an easy fling whilst Mark was out. The dragon in Tyler's head spewed a line of fire at the part of his brain that sends tingles through his body when he thought of Josh. 

"Tyler!" Josh shouted, from the hallway and Tyler jumped up immediately, shaken from his trail of thought. 

"H-Hey." Tyler said, entering the lounge and crossing his arms over his stomach, protecting his dignity and fragile frame from Mark. 

"You're quite the pair," Mark said, shaking his head, "I leave you for a few hours and look at you! You're soaked through. Look at Tyler's flushed cheeks, the cold get you?" 

Tyler froze, he knew full well his cheeks weren't tinted a blush pink because of the cold, it was because of the acceleration of his heart-rate when Josh's soft hands touched his jaw and planted hot kisses down his neck. Tyler turned to Josh for help, but there was no smile on his lips, only the hot intensity of his gaze that they both knew was the start of the inferno to come.

"Yeah. It was freezing!" Tyler shuddered, "I'll probably go put some clothes on now, maybe take a nap." 

Josh eyed him up and down and Tyler felt like he was letting Josh down by not continuing what they started earlier, but now with Mark in the house, it wasn't the right time. He hoped Josh, being the older, mature one would understand that and forgive him. Not punish him with silence or awkwardness. 

Tyler walked back to his room and threw on his sweats, getting under the crinkled covers and lying back, staring up at the bleak ceiling. His thoughts began trailing to Josh. Every minute Josh was whirring around in his mind, he kept falling for him, each time harder than the last. Every time the feeling got deeper, more complete, more bewitching. There wasn't a thing Tyler wouldn't do to keep Josh safe, he didn't even have the capability to keep himself safe, but he knew he would do it for Josh. Figuring out a new relationship, or whatever the fuck he and Josh had, wasn't what he needed right now, but he wanted this so badly. 

His phone buzzed and he was brought back to reality, the harsh glow of his phone making him squint. 

"We aren't done Tyler. Lying to Mark about why your cheeks were flushed? I'll have to punish you tomorrow for that. Enjoy your nap." Was the text he'd received from Josh. His stomach surged with anxiety. The anticipation was a nervous kind of energy. It tingled through him like electrical sparks on the way to the ground, gathering in his toes. Josh kept him always needing, wanting something more. He didn't understand how he was going to nap after this, he wanted Josh to go home. He needed tonight without him, he never thought he'd want that, but he needed time to collect himself.

Although he thought sleep wouldn't come, Tyler became drowsy, his deep chocolate brown eyes opening and closing from the light of the TV. He tossed and turned, the musky yet sweet scent of Josh still lingering on his skin. A sheepish grin grew across his face, the thought of Josh, his flame-like messy hair, his honey hazel eyes and strong body racing around in his mind. Tyler rolled his eyes lightly and nuzzled into the pillow, his fluffy dark brown hair flattening against it. After a few minutes, his body went limp and finally descended into the realm of sleep. At 3pm. Josh had tired him out and he needed a break. Already. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is basically just a smut chapter because im in a rush but ill upload again later today so ##no worries :p


	7. You're Possessive I See

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> song(s) for chapter:  
> Love Lockdown - Kanye West  
> Hold Me Down - Halsey / Good For You - Selena Gomez

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> smut warning yall! finally lmfao

 

 

 

 

Tyler woke like he was hooked up the mains. No sleepiness, no slow warming up. Within seconds of realizing he was conscious, he was thinking of Josh. The room didn't smell like his musky scent and any of that scent that lingered on Tyler, had left. Mark shouting from the lounge shook him back into reality, the reality being that it was 8pm and he'd completely fucked up his sleeping pattern. His eyes flickered open and shut, his eyelashes faintly batting against his lids when he blinked. He lay for a few minutes, debating whether or not he should get up. His muscles felt weak, just like his energy. He let out an exasperated sigh, groaning as he rolled off of the messy, wrinkled bed he had been occupying. He didn't want to leave his room and sit with Mark. He wanted to be with Josh, the heat of the room making him blush, the touch of Josh's soft skin making him wriggle. But no, Josh was back home and Tyler was stuck here. 

"I've made food! Come on!" Mark shouted and Tyler unlocked his door, padding down the hall to the kitchen, met with the aroma of Italian cuisine.

The two of them sat at the breakfast bar, Mark sliding a plate piled high with pasta and a rich tomato sauce, proud of his creation. 

"How was your day?" Mark turned to Tyler, his mousey brown hair dropping in front of his eyes. 

Tyler looked down, twirling his fork in his pasta, cheeks burning a bright red. Oh how he'd love to turn to Mark and tell him that he had an incredible day. He wanted to tell Mark how he went to this beautiful, majestic forest with the most enchanting red-haired boy. He'd love to tell Mark how they kissed so passionately in the rain, ran home and had a steamy exchange just metres away from where they were currently sat. But he refrained. 

"It was nice, Josh took me to this cool forest, it was chilled out." Tyler smiled weakly, his mind whirring with how incredible the forest was, not cool, incredible. It wasn't chilled, it was heated and full of passion. 

"Oh! You must be special, he hardly takes anyone there y'know. I think he took Debby, his girlfriend a few weeks ago for their year anniversary. So cute, she loved it." Mark chatted away, cramming pasta into his mouth, completely ignoring the blood draining from Tyler's face.

Tyler sat and stared as if Mark had just produced a rhinoceros from his pocket. He could just feel the sparks in his brain, desperately trying to connect the dots and instead just causing a short circuit. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. His heart was beating but his chest felt perfectly hollow, like all his internal organs had suddenly left, but his stomach still there, a disgustingly sick feeling arising in him. 

"His- His girlfriend?" Tyler choked out, coughing to disguise his shock. 

"Yes! Debby, she's not in town much since she's an actress, but she's super lovely." Mark nodded reassuringly, but Tyler's face was still white as a sheet of paper. 

"Oh. He never told me about a girlfriend you see." Tyler pushed the plate of pasta away, the smell making him feel nauseous. 

"Well, it doesn't make any difference so It probably just didn't come up." Mark smiled, literally licking his plate clean.

"Yeah. I'm too tired to finish Mark, can you put it in the fridge for tomorrow, thanks though. I'm gonna go back to sleep." Tyler forced a smile and tucked his chair in, patting Mark on the back and shakily walking back to his room. 

He fell onto the bed, eyes focused on the ceiling. One time when he'd gone hunting with his father, he was in a blind in a tree, waiting motionless for game to wonder by, and he dozed off and fell ten feet to the ground, landing on his back. It was as if the impact had knocked every wisp of air from his lungs, and he lay there struggling to inhale, to exhale, to do anything.  
  
That's how he felt now, trying to remember how to breathe, unable to speak, totally stunned as the name, Debby, bounced around inside his skull. He wasn't sure if he was upset or angry, there was too much. He had fallen so hard for Josh, he felt like Josh was the only person in the world who understood him, he felt like he could trust Josh and that something could have happened, he'd spent hours at night picturing them on night drives, moving into their new house together, getting a dog together and being tangled in each other under the sheets, sweaty and lust-filled. But right now, he couldn't picture any of that. How could he trust Josh after this.

Of course this happened. Tyler was a vulnerable, 18 year old, homeless, frightened boy who declared his stupid little crush to this grown ass 27-year-old man. What did he expect? Josh to not have a life? Not to have any relationships or friends other than Mark and himself? Tyler felt so stupid and so small. He felt like Josh had stood on him, a giant's foot squishing him to the ground. He was tired of it, being kicked out his house and now being played by someone he thought he could confide in. He had to text him. 

"When were you going to tell me about this sweetheart Debby, Josh? :)" He texted, his hands trembling and hitting a few wrong keys, tears brimming in his soft brown eyes. 

"What? Did Mark tell you? Tyler, its complicated. Don't be a baby over this. I'll talk to you tomorrow, sleep well." Josh replied, a slightly less abrupt tone than Tyler. 

"Sad" sounds so childish, like something flimsy, something one should be able to cast off with a happy reflection or the smile of a friend. But "sad" is nothing of the sort. It sat inside Tyler like a child, hitting his ribs and tugging on his throat, making a lump that he desperately tried to swallow away. He ached, he couldn't do anything until tomorrow. He couldn't call Josh, he hated speaking to people on the phone. He couldn't get the train to Josh's house, he couldn't go out alone. He couldn't confide in Mark, Mark wasn't aware of the situation. He had to sit alone in his room, staring out the window at the moon's glow on the puddled street and cry. And boy did he cry. 

His crying was both ferocious and chaotic. He blinked briny tears from bloodshot eyes, his thick lashes stuck together in clumps as if he'd been swimming. The tears made wet tracks down his face and dripped from his small, wobbling chin. Clear watery snot streaked from his flaring nostrils down his red mottled skin to his open quivering lips. His hands open and closed, rhythmically clenching as if there could be some violent solution to his pain if only he could find it. He felt like an idiot, as if Josh had punched him square in the face. But with everything that he'd been through, this was the last thing he wanted to deal with. Heartbreak. 

The crying tired Tyler out, he drifted into consciousness. And then back out. The world was a blur, and random images seemed to float aimlessly around in the pool of his thoughts, as though they were being blown about viciously by a hurricane. The whole world simply felt low resolution, a bad quality movie. Confusion blossomed in his heart and he knew that sooner or later he would have to shut his curtains and turn the light off, change his clothes and get under the covers. But he just stayed lying awkwardly on his side, his head heavy and aching, and retreated into wallowing blackness.

  - 

 

Tyler woke up, his eyes painfully red and swollen. He had never felt so alone, so lost... So incapable of doing even the smallest tasks. He couldn't even turn the light off and open his curtains. And this was only the beginning, the beginning of the pain, the suffering and the endless congo line of emotions that were in store for him today.

"Tyler," A familiar, soft voice came from outside the door- Josh. 

"What." Tyler spat, fixing the covers on his bed and shifting his eyes to the door, a mean glare ready to meet Josh.

"I'm- I'm sorry." Josh peeked his head around the corner, "I can explain."

"I honestly don't care Josh." Tyler turned his head to face the window, blankly staring at nothing. He felt the bed next to him dip down as Josh sat down on it, his hand leaning out to touch Tyler's thigh. 

"Don't-" Tyler went to push his hand off, but met Josh's sad eyes and stopped. 

"She isn't my girlfriend anymore. We broke up around a week ago, Tyler, because of distance. I hadn't told Mark yet." Josh explained, twirling a piece of stray hair that peeked out from underneath his grey beanie. 

 "What. Wh- Why couldn't you have just said that last night, I lay here like a dumb fifteen year old crying over you. I love you Josh don't you understand?!" Tyler's eyes brimmed again and his voice broke slightly. 

Unexpectedly, Josh's hand drifted to Tyler's hip. It settled there and pulled him closer, making him inhale sharply. He was against his warm chest again, like he longed to be, chiselled to perfection. Must he be so perfect? He splayed his hand against it, intending to push him away, but instead he left it there. Josh's breathing quickened as did Tyler's. Josh leaned forward and began nuzzling his neck with delicate kisses. So faint, they were whispers. Tyler urged himself to push away, but couldn’t. His limp body began to tremble uncontrollably. Josh's head was angled slightly to the side as his lips came closer and closer to Tyler's. He was surprised to find his own lips parted. Their breaths mingled. Tyler's heart couldn't help but flutter inside his chest. At first, it was a delicate butterfly of a kiss. Then Josh's strong arms encircled the tiny frame of Tyler. 

"You're possessive I see, baby..." Josh mumbled against Tyler's neck, his hot breath making Tyler squirm. 

"I'm- I was just-" Tyler stuttered, feeling himself practically melt underneath Josh's harsh touch, his hands gripping Tyler's hips tightly. 

"You're possessive Tyler. I don't like possessive from you... Oh no, you cant be possessive of me. I'm possessive of you. Nobody can touch this body," Josh licked his bottom lip, pulling at the bottom of Tyler's shirt, "They can't touch this golden skin, inked with these beautiful patterns," He traced Tyler's tattoos, volts of electricity speeding through him. 

"Josh-" Tyler moaned, biting his bottom lip, his cute, crooked teeth sinking in as hard as they could. 

"They can't touch these curved, beautiful thighs, nuh-uh," Josh smirked, rubbing the palms of his hands up and down Tyler's thighs, the friction giving Tyler a painfully large bulge that Josh quickly noticed and smiled.

"And they definitely can't touch this beautiful, long," He snapped Tyler's belt buckle open, ripping down his jeans forcefully, "Hard, cock." He stared lustfully at Tyler, before attacking him with another kiss. Pinning Tyler's hands behind his head, his legs either side of his small body. 

“Are you still going to punish me, for lying?” Tyler stuttered, remembering the text from early yesterday.

A fiery blush rose to Tyler’s cheeks for asking such a cheeky thing. He wanted to feel Josh inside him, finally. He wanted it, so so badly. It had been so long since he'd given Josh that quick blowjob, and he needed more. Josh continued to kiss him, smirking as he heard Tyler's question. Tyler let out a small moan as he thought about Josh, fucking him hard and roughly from behind, he wanted to be dominated so desperately, he had to initiate this- now.

He yanked Josh's boxer shorts down, leaving Josh shocked but not unhappy. Tyler wrapped his small hand around the base of Josh's long cock and started stroking it slowly. Josh let out a deep groan, his hand's tangled in Tyler's soft locks.

"You’re such a good boy.” Josh moaned, writhing his head in the covers on the bed. 

Tyler took his hand and placed a finger seductively in his mouth, licking the pre-come Josh had produced, right off. He sucked, pretending it was Josh's mouth, his eyes flickering lightly, tasting the beautiful red-haired, older man. Josh moaned, loudly and quickly grabbed Tyler's head off his cock. 

"Not yet." He said sternly, flipping Tyler over on the bed, Tyler's heart beating increasingly faster at the prospect of what was to come. 

Josh's strong hands took a firm hold of Tyler's ass cheeks, and he spreads them apart. He felt vulnerable and exposed, but he loved it. Josh's hot breath skimmed over the skin, and then his mouth, finally, made contact. Tyler jerked and let out a deep groan, fighting back a terrible, slutty moan. Josh's tongue slowly moved in broad licks and he let out a lustful groan against Tyler's baby-soft skin. His fingers were pressed hard into Tyler's flesh. Lust pooled in Tyler's stomach, flinching under the rough touch of Josh's strength.  
  
“Someone’s enjoying themselves,” Josh chuckled, licking his bottom lip and flexing, his muscles almost radiating at Tyler who was trembling underneath him. 

Tyler let out a weak moan, as Josh grabbed his hips and raised them, Tyler completely defeated, letting him do whatever he pleased. Josh groaned at the further contact, and it sounded so dirty, exactly how Tyler imagined it, then the swollen head of Josh's cock was pressing against him. He pushed forward. Tyler's body seemed reluctant, but he kept the pressure constant until his muscles gave way to Josh's electrifying touch. He felt the exact moment his body opened up for Josh, and once he’s got the head of his cock in him, it’s easy and we're off. Roughly, Josh groaning and grunting, the odd "Fuck, Tyler", spilling dirtily from his mouth. 

"Y- You feel so good, fuck," Josh hissed and that did it for Tyler and Josh knew it too. 

Josh let go of Tyler's hips, the grip only loose now. His pupils were wide, eyes dark, taking Tyler in. He felt slightly self conscious under the watchful eye of Josh watching him come, but he was too far gone into a realm of ecstasy to do anything. Josh was watching him, gripping Tyler's small shoulder, fucking him, fucking him, until Tyler lost it and shook, coming undone, Josh joining him.

"Josh, holy-" Tyler squirmed away from him, falling flat on his back, admiring Josh's body. Covered in droplets of shining sweat, marks all over from where Tyler had been gripping so tightly, it was beautiful. 

"See. You're mine. Not some girlfriend Mark thinks I have. But I'm warning you Tyler, you can't be possessive of me. Or I'll have to fuck you harder and really punish you." Josh stared at him, serious and face straight. 

"S-Sorry Josh." He stuttered, watching Josh walk out, wrapping a towel from off the floor around his waist. 

Tyler felt like an ethereal being, nothing felt real, he was sore and in pure ecstasy at what had just happened. Nothing was real anymore. 


	8. Almost as nice as you.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> song(s) for chapter:   
> Eyes Wide - Meadowlark   
> Who You Love - John Mayer ft. Katy Perry  
> (for near end of the chapter) Don't Go Away - Oasis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello im sorry i didnt update i was away ! ill update more frequently now. (hopefully)

In the soft, early afternoon light Tyler was left sitting in the windowsill of his bedroom. It'd been around half an hour since Josh had left him, naked and alone on the bed. He'd changed into a pair of loose, black lounge pants and left his torso exposed since it was warm. Tyler was disappointed, he thought after finally having such passionate, sexual contact with Josh that he'd be left glowing. Feeling on top of the world. But he felt almost the opposite. He felt insecure and small and his mind started wondering to what Josh's intentions were. Was Josh done now? Had Josh gotten what he wanted? Was Josh sat in the next room regretting everything entirely? Maybe he'd forgotten about it already. 

Tyler stood up from the window, trying to shake his head from the whirlwind of worrying thoughts he was having, diverting his mind back to the beauty he saw in Josh. He paced around his room, as if he was looking for something, but inside his head he was thinking of a way to document Josh. He didn't want to forget how he felt about Josh right at that moment. Right at that moment, he was infatuated with Josh. He didn't think anyone more perfect could possibly exist, and he loved the feeling it gave him. He wanted to remember it. He opened up Mark's storage and wardrobe cupboard, pulling out some shoe boxes from the above shelf. As if by fate, an old, rustic looking journal fell out and landed by Tyler's feet. He flicked through the pages, to ensure it wasn't of any importance to Mark, but all that was inside were a few stock counts from the shop and a shopping list. He decided that the journal would work as a place to document his days and thoughts about Josh, so he moved onto the bed, crossing his legs like a school child and began to write. 

"As soon as I saw him I thought he was attractive, but I didn't think he'd want anything to do with me. He is tall. Not too tall that his body looks gangly and lanky, just the right amount of height so that he is above me. He is a strong man, his drumming must keep his arms toned and muscular and whatever shirt he wears always clings tightly to his skin. His skin is the shade of pale, strawberry milk. Delicate and fair, dusted in pretty sun-kissed freckles that glowed ever so slightly in the sunlight. His high cheekbones, perfectly accentuate his pretty-boy face, and his full pink lips are always so soft looking, so kissable and always upturned in a little, natural smile. His eyes are normally a simple sepia colour, but when the light hits them they become a golden, dewy honey shade, radiating warmth. I feel like his beautiful eyes will give him away one day. Tell me all his secrets. I'd love to hear them. Love to hear his story. But for now I'll just admire him. I love this man. I think." Tyler wrote, his writing becoming more messy and skewed as his hand became sore. 

Tyler read over what he wrote and smiled softly, placing the journal underneath his pillow and patting the pillow down, ensuring it was hidden. 

"Are you hiding from me in there?" Josh shouted from the lounge and Tyler jumped, clutching his bare chest. 

"N-No, I was busy!" Tyler stuttered, hopping up and picking a white and black t-shirt from the floor, pulling it on over his head before walking out the room and down the corridor to see Josh. 

Josh was sat on the couch, his arm on the back of it, a perfect little nook under his arm for Tyler to slot himself into, against his chest. He was wearing an oversized black hoodie, the sleeves pulled over his hands creating sweater paws, some grey sweats and a loose speckled beanie. Tyler's heart practically swooned, he looked so wonderfully cosy and inviting. His aura was like a warm hug in itself, so very different to earlier. His dominant, lust-filled attitude had softened and changed into the sweet, smiling, innocent one and Tyler loved that. Tyler loved the fact there was two sides to Josh. He didn't have to conform to one, one way to always act around Josh. Everything about him seemed perfect. 

"Are you going to join me? I'm watching friends." Josh patted the space on the couch next to him, his eyes travelling down Tyler's body. 

Tyler nodded timidly and sat at the other end of the couch, away from Josh. Trying to focus his attention on the TV was painfully difficult, he was breathing heavily and he couldn't stop looking at Josh from the corner of his eye, his chest rising and falling rhythmically, calming Tyler down. 

"Are you really gonna sit at the other side of this couch and act like I'm not here?" Josh's eyebrows knitted together and a saddened look rose in his eyes. 

"I-I Just-" Tyler stammered, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. 

"Come here," Josh tugged Tyler's shoulder with his large hand, into the small space against his chest, "That's much better. Silly." 

Tyler snuggled into Josh's chest, under his chin, pressing his hand against his hard chest. It was safe. His worries disappeared like rain on summer earth. In Josh's cosy embrace he was cocooned better than any butterfly-to-be. He felt Josh's soft skin and the gentle squeeze on his own. Tyler bathed in Josh's warmth and the smell of freshly laundered clothes mixed with aftershave. Josh lifted his left arm up and started to gently stroke and fiddle with Tyler's feathery, chocolate hair. The warmth of being with another human being and being happy made Tyler finally feel that comfort and security he longed for. 

"You look happy." Josh looked down fondly at Tyler, pressing his lips against Tyler's forehead.

"I am." Tyler sniffed, biting his bottom lip to hide his smile, burying his head further into Josh's chest.

"Let's watch a movie," Josh stood up and put an old scary movie in the DVD player, falling back onto the couch to join Tyler

Tyler eagerly wrapped his arms around Josh's waist, nuzzling into his soft jumper, "This is nice," he muttered quietly. 

"It is. Almost as nice as you, Tyler." Josh whispered, kissing the top of his head lightly. 

Tyler quickly became drowsy, the darkness of the room and the warmth adding to his sleepiness. His deep brown eyes opened and closed as he heard the sound of the TV and he weakly smiled to the thought of Josh enjoying the movie. Josh stared at him sympathetically and almost in awe, blinking, his eyelashes brushing against Tyler's forehead. He tried to hide his smile as best as he could, but Tyler noticed it. Tyler rolled his eyes and nuzzled like a baby into Josh's shoulder, his dark brown hair inches from his nose. Josh could smell Tyler's scent which was sweet, like a chocolatier's work space and it was too good for words. Soon after Josh had watched Tyler's eyes flicker shut for the last time, he felt him go limp and he smiled huge and big, cradling him tightly into his chest.

 

 -

 

Tyler was jolted awake by Josh's fast, harsh movements. Swallowing hard, Tyler clutched furiously at his chest, catching his breath whilst looking around desperately to see why Josh woke him, hoping that it was just the film and his my heart could stop racing, but his Tyler's eyes landed on the culprit of Josh's hastiness. The golden knob of the door was clicking as a key was being turned from the outside. Tyler jumped away from Josh, sitting at the other end of the couch, rubbing his eyes furiously and straightening his hair. Mark was home. The sense of home Tyler had gained in his body had drained very suddenly from him. He'd forgotten it wasn't as easy as this, he'd forgotten this wasn't his life. He couldn't just fuck around with Josh and then cuddle up and nap. That's not how his daily life could be. He didn't live with Josh, he wasn't Josh's "boyfriend", he was living with Mark- homeless, riddled with anxieties and insecurities, with no money or family. No matter how loved Josh made him felt, that feeling was yanked away every time that front door shut. Josh was on one side and Tyler was on the other. They weren't together. Tyler didn't know if that mattered to Josh or not, but it mattered a hell of a lot to him. 

 "Hey guys!" Mark clicked the door shut, placing his backpack down on the counter and putting the keys back on their little hook by the door. 

 "Hey," Josh and Tyler said simultaneously, both sounding less enthusiastic than Mark did. 

"What are you up to?" Mark slouched down into the couch between them. 

 Tyler sighed inwardly, a barrier between him and Josh being placed in the form of Mark, "Nothing really, I was napping and Josh was watching some dumb alien, scary movie."

 "Cool, do you want to order dinner? Or are you going now Josh?" Mark picked up the Chinese takeaway menu from the coffee table, proposing it to the two other boys.

 "I should probably get going, I've been invited to practice my drumming with a local band here, Walk The Moon. Their drummer is kinda sick and they just need back up for practice before they tour. If all goes well they might ask me to do drumming tech for them for the tour, which would be awesome." Josh smiled, picking at his nails nervously, waiting for Mark's reaction. But it wasn't Mark's that he noticed, it was Tyler's.

 Tyler's straight face fell to a saddened one. He thought logically about what Josh had said and it hit him. Josh was an extremely talented drummer and he was so passionate about it as well. If this band really saw something in Josh, they for sure would take him on tour with them to sort technical stuff out for them and that would leave Tyler sat alone in his room again, all sense of his surroundings would be gone and the only person he trusted could be across the ocean in Europe meeting pretty girls and guys, forgetting about Tyler altogether. 

 "That's...Cool." Tyler smiled as well as he could at Josh, shuffling closer to him, their sexual tension could have been sliced with a knife, Tyler's feelings pouring out on the floor in front of them.

 Mark wished Josh a safe journey and good luck with the band and made his way to the kitchen, leaving Tyler and Josh standing nearby in the hallway. 

 "We should do that again." Josh's eyes bored into Tyler's as he smirked. 

 "Do what?" Tyler smiled timidly, knowing full well what Josh was talking about.

 "You know what. Don't tease me Tyler, Mark is right there. If you're not careful I will have to slam you against this wall right now, I don't care." Josh hissed, clutching Tyler's wrist hard, by his side. 

 Tyler could feel the pit in his chest, waiting to take over. Perhaps it only wanted to because Josh seemed so angry at the thought of Tyler's teasing. But nevertheless It sits there like an fireball propelling him towards feelings that weren't appropriate with Mark standing metres away. Tyler licked his lips and stepped back from Josh, back into view of Mark and smiled sweetly at Josh. 

 "We should do that again. See you Josh." He patted him on the shoulder coldly, and slammed the door shut, Josh's fiery red locks being the last thing he saw of him. 

 Tyler left Mark sorting stuff with his clients on the phone, and retreated to his room. He was sad. Sad, but more angry. Josh knew full well that he was the only one Tyler had right now and he was just going to pick up and leave for a tour? Tyler felt so betrayed by Josh, he had finally seen a life outside of his room thanks to Josh, and Josh was just going to undo all of it by leaving. 

 Anger boiled deep in his system, as hot as lava. It churned within, hungry for destruction, and he knew it was too much for his full mind to handle. He knew he was being selfish, this was an amazing opportunity for Josh but the pressure of this raging sea of anger would force him to say things to Josh he didn't mean. Tyler knew that this feeling would pass, he couldn't be angry at Josh for too long, but while it was lingering, he was scared of ruining the relationship he'd built up with Josh. Instead of picking up the phone and sending a regrettable message to Josh, he settled in his bed and clicked the TV on, the white noise of a talk show blurring out his frustrated thoughts. 


	9. Skeleton jacket.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> song(s) of the chapter:  
> Blue Lights - Jorja Smith  
> #icanteven - The Neighbourhood

Tyler was sat at the breakfast bar, spooning pasta into his mouth, sauce dripping down his chin back into the bowl. Mark was sat next to him, focused deeply on his phone, fingers furiously typing. 

"Who are you talking to?" Tyler inquired, mouth full.

"Josh," Mark looked up briefly, Tyler's eyes widening in interest, "He's throwing a Halloween party at his place tonight. He wanted to know if you wanted to come, y'know, cuz' if you don't want to go, I can't, so he just needs to know." 

"I'll go." Tyler answered in a heart beat. No doubt he was going. Even though he was still mildly pissed off at Josh and the whole touring situation, he'd do anything to be in his presence and if going to a dumb party was what it took- he'd do it. 

"Okay. It's like... kinda spooky themed, not full on fancy dress and whatnot, but I have a skeleton jacket in my wardrobe, maybe you could throw that on?" Mark gave Tyler a measly smile. 

Tyler gave him the same smile back and retreated to his room, resuming his position at the windowsill. It suddenly hit him what he'd signed himself up for, his worst nightmare- a party. It was going to be full of dumb college kids probably, or university students getting drunk and trashing the place. Josh would probably be out of it and all over some pretty, tall, quirky blonde and Tyler would look like the baby that had to be brought along because they couldn't be left home alone. The anxious thoughts looped around in his mind until there was no room for anything else. He worried that when he arrived at the party, Josh wouldn't want anything to do with him, act like he didn't exist. He was afraid he was a secret to Josh and that their relationship was almost a taboo to Josh and that around other people, Tyler would be like the gum stuck to the bottom of Josh's shoe. Irrelevant and annoying.

> October was Tyler's favourite month. The days were shorter, the nights closed in and the trees donned their vibrant hues, and a chill had crept into the air. Not the bite of wintry blusters, but just a nip to let him know a new season was at hand. The street underneath Tyler's window was lit by the warm rays of the evening, shining through a thin layer of grey cloud like a stain glass window. No more were the trees their iridescent hues of spring and summer, but were scarlet and golds. In just a few weeks they would stand naked in the frozen air, so Tyler would ensure to take in their autumnal beauty. Already the usual grey of the concrete side-walk was adorned with their transient beauty.

 

As Tyler watched the world go by beneath him, he started to picture how much he'd love to be with Josh at this time of year. They would go for walks around the forest Josh took him to on their second outing, feet crunching the crispy leaves beneath them. Josh would be wearing a big jumper and his grey beanie and Tyler would be in one of Josh's hoodies, oversized and swallowing him up. The wind would nip at Tyler's small hands, so Josh would grab it with his own and entangle their fingers together, inside his coat pocket. People would pass them by and Josh wouldn't let go of Tyler's grip, he'd hold his hand proudly and happily. That was all Tyler wanted. A simple lifestyle, nothing extravagant, no weird kinky shit, no massive house with fancy cars- just being able to spend time with Josh. 

 

Tyler stood up from the windowsill, a fog of his daydream still hanging over him. The clock showed half six, which meant Mark was going to call him to leave for Josh's any moment, so he should probably get dressed. The skeleton jacket was hung on the back of the bedroom door, left out for him to try. He pulled off his soft, worn, blue t-shirt and let it crumple into a pile at his feet. The skeleton jacket had a nice material, soft and thin. It was completely black, except for the skeleton rib design on the chest and a skeleton skull over the hood. It was weird, Tyler didn't think much of this jacket when he saw it hanging over the back of the door, but looking at himself in the mirror, he felt good. He felt like he looked good. Like he wasn't trying too hard, like he didn't really care, like he had his own thing going on. He felt like this jacket would protect him from anything that could happen tonight. 

 

-

 

Mark and Tyler walked down the dark road ahead, the fading of the sunlight had also meant the fading of any last rays of heat. Wintry air swirled around Tyler taking every lick of warmth it could. He wrapped his arms tighter around himself, pulling the jacket closed and tucking his chin downward into it. His breath was now only visible under the sporadic street lights, the few which still lit up the empty city. As they walked from the east end to the north to Josh's apartment, Tyler felt the nervous feeling rise in his stomach again. He knew Mark was going to be at the party and that gave him a small sense of security, but his main sense of security, Josh, wasn't going to be there to cuddle him up under his chin like yesterday afternoon. He was basically alone in this and he was frightened. He didn't want to talk to anyone there, he wanted to go right up to Josh's room and hide under Josh's covers. Not stand around some teenagers with vodka stained shirts. 

 

"Up these stairs." Mark pointed to the left, to somewhere Tyler definitely didn't expect to be. 

 

Josh's house was nothing like he thought from the outside. Stepping up the concrete steps, it took a more detailed form, natural grey stone with all the hues mother nature can provide. The paintwork on the trim was brilliant white, flawless and the path wound to a double oak front door in loose pea shingle. The windows weren't the large ones that are so fashionable now, but more the size he used to see in old country cottages, and like them they were mullioned. But that's where all the old world charm ended. Mark opened the door with the spare key he owned and once across the threshold it was technology and modern design all the way. The floors were polished concrete and the furniture Scandinavian, high end designers only. The only compromise to comfort was the sheepskin on the floor, so clean it was hard to believe anyone had ever stepped foot on it. The only mess was the wet footprints Tyler's small, wet vans had tracked in. 

 

"Hey!" Josh bounced down the stairs, landing with a thud at the bottom in front of Mark and Tyler.

 

"Hey." Tyler said quietly, reminding himself he was still quite angry at Josh. Or he was just worried at the thought of Josh leaving- either way he wasn't going to kiss Josh's feet right now. 

 

And that was it. Josh was already gone, snaking his way through the dozens of people. The music was so loud that it made Tyler's skin tingle and his lungs feel like mush. The bass thumped in time with his heart beat as though they were one, filling him from head to toe with music. He knew he liked this song, but it didn't even matter as of right now. Over the roar of music, hazy chatter could be heard. Tyler couldn't make out any words, but laughter rang in his ears and wouldn't seem to stop. The song that was playing got louder, pulling Tyler in and wouldn't let go. He had no choice but to join the crowd, jumping in a huddled group like Tic-Tacs being shaken in a box.

 

He didn't want to be there. He didn't belong there. In the crowd he believed himself to be moving of his own free will, one of many yet still his own person. To an observer he ws no more than a part of a moving mass, one with predictable behaviour when viewed as a whole. They all moved like a shoal of fish, one point of focus, one place to be. So perhaps, Tyler thought he had indeed become one of the many, feeding off the impulses of those around him to inform his decisions. He wondered what it took to think like an individual in the heart of a crowd, or even if walking one's own path is possible.

 

"You okay?" Josh suddenly appeared, close up in Tyler's face, their slightly sweaty bodies occasionally making contact with each other. 

 

"Fine." Tyler lied, maintaining his stare at the wall behind Josh. 

 

"What's with you?" Josh shouted over the music, leaning into Tyler so he could hear clearly. 

 

"Nothing." Tyler snarled, rolling his eyes at the fact Josh hadn't even addressed the tour situation. 

 

"There clearly is. I haven't done anything-" Josh started, grabbing Tyler's forearm aggressively. 

 

"I can't even hear you Josh." Tyler said nonchalantly, electric bolts zapping up his arm from Josh's harsh touch. 

 

Josh pulled on Tyler's arm, leading him out of the crowd and up the stairs. Tyler suddenly lost his nonchalant attitude and became apprehensive. He was honestly, truly worried Josh was going to be pissed because  _he_ was pissed. He didn't really have a reason to be pissed, Josh might not even be going away yet, but he was so possessive over Josh, he couldn't let anyone else near him. He didn't want to be without Josh. After only this short time of knowing each other, he didn't think he could process without Josh. 

 

"Listen," Josh pinned Tyler against a door, his hot breath mingling against Tyler's skin, "Why are you being like this." 

 

Tyler squirmed underneath his touch, a rush in his crotch visible and painfully present. 

 

"Not being like anything. Just sad you've only just walked into my life and you're about to prance off with some local band." Tyler rolled his eyes, licking his bottom lip and trying to wriggle his wrist free of Josh's grip. 

 

Josh let go of Tyler's left arm and clicked the door handle open, into a vast bedroom, once again pinning him down on the bed. Josh held himself up with his strong arms either side of Tyler, hovering over him intimidatingly. Tyler was worried yet slightly turned on. He knew Josh was internally kind of angry that he was letting some 18 year old dictate his life and emotionally bully him into not doing things, but at the same time, he knew Josh was going to turn this into some sort of sexual thing. 

 

After an almost agonizingly long amount of time since he was pinned down, Tyler opened his mouth to speak, but instead Josh leaned down his torso and brought his lips to Tyler's. At first it wasn't really much contact until they both started getting more into it and Josh loosened his hold above Tyler. Tyler became heated, wriggling and writhing under the hot, wet kisses, beginning to lazily grind against Josh, not really making any progress before Josh smirked and sat up, retracting from Tyler's lips, leaving him confused and on his back. 

 

"Daddy..." Tyler whined cautiously, unsure if Josh was about to slap the shit out of him, or lick his lips and take the name gratefully. Thankfully, he did the latter. 

 

"Yes. That's it. Call me that. Okay?" Josh breathed in heavily through his nose, shutting his eyes in ecstasy, just from Tyler's voice. 

 

Tyler crawled over to Josh's legs and lay over them to get access to the waistband of his pants. He fiddled with the belt, getting it off rather quickly due to his fear of some random girls walking in. He unzipped them and pulled them down to about Josh's knees. Josh's thigh's were creamy, thick and muscly, so beautiful Tyler almost wanted to stroke his hands down them. He waited a moment before pulling down his boxers, looking up at Josh's clouded-over eyes. 

 

"Fuck, Tyler, use your mouth already would you?" Josh let out a shaky sigh. 

 

"Okay daddy." Tyler fluttered his eyelashes, poking his tongue out to wet his bottom lip. 

 

Tyler tightly gripped his hand around the base of Josh's cock and attempted to take all of it in at one. His gag reflex didn't totally go away, causing him to cough a bit and his throat muscles to act. Josh moaned at the constriction which Tyler thought was so wonderfully hot. He was pleasing Josh. All he wanted to be able to do. 

He lifted up his head up and flattened out his tongue and licked up the bottom of Josh's dick. He stuck his mouth back where it was and started twirling his tongue around the head looking for some sort of positive reaction. Josh let out more shaky moans and Tyler smirked, taking it as a sign to continue. He licked over the top where the slit was and then but his mouth down further.

“Holy fuck Tyler, I'm coming baby boy,” Josh gasped, his hands in Tyler's feathery hair. Tyler released his mouth and wiped it with the back of his hand, taking a moment to watch Josh finish himself off, a hot blush coming over his cheeks. 

Josh yanked at Tyler's pants and threw them off to the side, his own following, and climbed back onto the bed. Tyler watched in awe as Josh grabbed a small bottle of lube, squeezing a small amount into the palm of his hands, grabbing his long, hard cock and rubbing it down before positioning it at Tyler's entrance- to Tyler's surprise.

Josh pushed the head in and they gasped simultaneously. Tyler moaned, watching Josh slowly push down so it was in all the way before pulling slowly back up. Tyler's eyes fluttered shut as he rose and fell, rose and fell, riding him so hard he didn't notice Josh peeling his shirt off, revealing a sweat-glistening torso. Josh's hands slowly grasped Tyler's hips and pulled him forcefully down. Working together they created such a blissful friction that they both had the bite their lips to keep outsiders from thinking there was a murder going on in the room.

"Get on all fours." Josh demanded, biting his bottom lip seductively.

"Yes daddy." Tyler whimpered, wiping the sweat from his forehead.

He slowly got off of Josh and got onto all fours. He looked back at Josh, such a glorious sight. How'd he get such an incredibly beautiful man bent over behind him, he would never know. Josh slowly kissed his back before spreading apart his cheeks and letting his tongue slide over his entrance. Tyler wriggled and gasped, arching his back in pleasure. Smirking, Josh pulled back and grabbed the lube bottle, pouring a little on himself before tossing the bottle in the corner. One hand on his back, he used the other to guide it into Tyler. He pushed in slowly, letting him get adjusted before moving both hands to the hips in front of him and pulling them back. He and Tyler thrust simultaneously, letting the waves of pleasure overwhelm them. Josh loved the tight feeling and Tyler loved that full sensation.

Both were content. Josh expertly shifted his hips until he got that fantastic groan from Tyler, into the pillow. Keeping his hips there, they rocked back and forth on each other, trying to get that moment. Josh felt the familiar clenching of muscle 2 seconds before Tyler's cry of pleasure erupted and filled the room. Josh pulled Tyler to him even faster and not long after, was releasing  inside him, burying it deep in his flesh and painting it before he pulled out and finished on his beautiful tanned ass all the while panting his name. They collapsed next to each other one the bed and Tyler's eyes met Josh's.

 

"Learnt your lesson yet? You can't be possessive of me." Josh hissed, tracing his fingers up Tyler's cheek. 

"You can't just leave though, Josh." Tyler's eyes brimmed, the sudden sexual tension disappearing from the room. 

"I can, Tyler. I did have a life before you entered it," Josh stood up, pulling his jeans on, a concerned and serious expression wiped upon his face.

"B-But I won't see you? We can't do this- I mean. You're the only one who I leave the house with?" Tyler scrabbled for his clothes, panic setting in as he realised Josh was seriously going to be leaving for winter. 

"I'm not leaving forever, Tyler. You're not my boyfriend, remember. I'll be back by February. You have Mark? We can text. I don't know, I can't just drop everything for you all the time." Josh scratched the back of his neck awkwardly. 

"I didn't expect you to." Tyler stammered, storming out of the room, slamming the door behind him in fury. 

 


	10. The Absolute World.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> song(s) of the chapter:  
> Haunting - Halsey  
> Drive - Oh Wonder  
> Let It Go - James Bay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so im thinking next chapter or an upcoming chapter i'll do it from josh's perspective? (still in third person) but so u can get to know josh more and his feelings and story?? idk please let me know in the comments if you think that'd be good!

Tyler clung onto his skeleton jacket, hands shaking and turning slightly blue from the bitter wind. He was so angry. Josh's words fell out of his mouth like vapour but landed in Tyler's guts as shrapnel. He had felt his insides tear, and the blood drain from his face. Josh's eyes were cold like Tyler had never seen, they were the furthest from his usual, warm, soft inviting ones. Just thinking about it made Tyler want to vomit. As Tyler stormed hastily down the puddle-filled path, he was trying desperately to understand the words Josh had told him but couldn't. The main thought whirring round in Tyler's head was, "He must love me," and to be honest Tyler knew he was the only one that ever has. 

The rain was hammering down on Tyler's flat hair. But it wasn't just rain, it was a downpour as heavy as he'd had ever seen. Walking though a waterfall couldn't get any wetter. The drops struck the already wet side-walk, pitting the surface like they were bullets from above. People around Tyler scurried and ran for shelter, the darkness surrounding anyone who was still out. Tyler didn't run or scurry. He'd in fact slowed down. He wasn't running anymore- he was strolling. He was waiting for the rain to wash him away, but instead it just soaked him through and through. Tears began brimming in his eyes as he stopped against a brick wall, pressing his back up against it and breathing in deeply. The rain and tears mingled on his face, salty tracks blending into the fresh sky-fallen trickles. Only the pinkness of his eyes gave away the clue to his sadness and in this city, nobody would look closely enough to tell. 

Tyler stood up straight and looked down the long road behind him. A car that looked remarkably like Josh's was driving slowly through the heavy downpour and his stomach dropped. He didn't want to see Josh, let alone be anywhere near him. So he ran. Tears blinded him and he turned down the street next to him, running as quickly as his skinny legs could carry him, bolting away like an Olympic champion at the start gun; quickening his pace to an all out sprint- which was cut short. 

He tripped over his own feet and went flying. His heart sank as he felt himself falling. He struck his hands out in front of him, trying desperately to stop himself from hitting the floor, but he did anyway. His hands scraped harshly against the uneven side-walk and he let out a loud shriek as the pain hit him. The raw pink flesh on the palms of his hands became enmeshed with dirt and grit, spotted with blood. The blood has concentrated in the lines on the his palms, making the usually pale creases dark. The congealed red-brown fluid had become caught in the webbing of his fingers, whereas the rest had already been washed clean away by the relentless rain and small puddles. 

Tyler sat trembling on the side-walk, with no strength to move. The feeling in his shaky fingers finally coming back to him after the numbness from the fall. He bit down on his lip trying not to burst into tears- again. All he felt was despair, he wanted the ground to swallow him up whole. He felt worthless and embarrassed of himself. Running away and crying from some guy who didn't even care about him. 

His trail of thought was interrupted by the same car he was running from, pulling up onto the kerb he was sat by. He prayed deep down inside that it wasn't Josh. This was the last thing he wanted. Josh to come and see him all bloody and crying, snot running down his lip on some random road in the middle of Ohio. But alas, the car door clicked open and a mane of fading red hair was visible. Tyler rolled his eyes, rubbing his nose into the sleeve of his jacket to clean himself up. 

"Tyler, what happened..." Josh jogged from the side of the car and kneeled down to Tyler's level.

"I fell. I'm fine, I am. Go back to your party." Tyler sniffed, swallowing harshly and avoiding eye contact with Josh.

Josh placed his hand on Tyler's forearm, his eyes showed the kind of gentle concern that Tyler's grandfather used to have. He laid his hand lightly on Tyler's left hand, and instead of flinching like he thought he would, he was soothed by it. He left his hand there and spoke with such a soft voice that Tyler felt his words calming him more by the way they were said than the actual words. It felt as if Tyler were wrapped in a blanket of his caring. How could he not consider his actions now, now that he could see how profoundly they effected Josh too.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to be clingy, I just- I really like you Josh. I'm not just in it for the sex or whatever-" Tyler began to babble, a single, lonely tear dropping down his already sodden face.

"Come on." Josh put his hands underneath Tyler's armpits and carefully lifted him up, keeping him supported on the way to his car. 

Tyler smiled weakly, thankful Josh wasn't considerably angry at him. This is what kept him going back to Josh. Josh really did care deep down inside. Josh left his own party- his house unattended, full of strangers, all to come and look for Tyler. He got into the passenger seat, the warmth from the heater hitting him, soothing his frost-bitten cheeks. Josh opened the door and sat next to him in the driver's seat. 

"I've texted Mark. He was worried about you," Josh started the car engine and placed his palm comfortably on Tyler's thigh, "He said to take you back to your apartment and stay until he's home." 

"Okay. Sorry for the bother. You don't have to stay, I'll just sleep once I get in." Tyler mumbled, feeling sheepish and a burden once again to Josh.

"It's no bother Tyler. I'll clean you up and we can talk about some stuff, yeah?" Josh squeezed Tyler's thigh fondly and looked up at the road ahead of him. 

Tyler couldn't help but stare at Josh whilst he drove. A sudden wave of love came over him, he really was in awe of Josh. It was not on the perfect features that he dwelled- not the gold flecked brown eyes, nor his pomegranate pink lips. Instead it was the small blemishes and insecurities that allured him. The bags under his eyes, the shy smile, the very slightly crooked nose. In that moment, Tyler knew he had found the person who was perfectly imperfect for him. When he looked upon Josh's face, he lost himself. All mistakes Tyler had ever made, and he knew there had been many, were gone - every impure thought erased. All negativity was cleansed, almost like a religious experience or spiritual enlightenment. Tyler knew Josh's eyes could see through him, but he knew they didn't dwell on the anger, nor the deceit, nor the selfishness. He looked past every flaw to find the person inside, the real Tyler, and in that moment Tyler knew he was perfectly imperfect for Josh too.

"Josh..." Tyler cleared his throat and spoke softly.

"Yes?" He turned his head to glance at Tyler. 

"I love you." Tyler uttered. Eyes like a deer in the headlights, shocked by his own words. It wasn't a regret sort of shock, he was just surprised he had said it. But he was glad. Josh looked so beautiful right now, the moonlight pouring in onto his now salmon hair, eyes focused on the road, hand pressed on Tyler's thigh still.

There was quiet between the two of them, the sound of the car's engine being the only noise that stopped a dead silence. Josh's face had tensed a little, his eyes crinkled in a wince, as if he was pained by Tyler's words. He pulled the car over into the quiet lane that was next to them and took the keys out the ignition. 

The clock read 12:07am. There they were, sat next to a cornfield on halloween, neither of them dressed for the occasion; Josh looking extremely tired and Tyler, with his red, bloodshot eyes and tear stained face. Tyler was squinting, biting down on his bottom lip in anticipation for what Josh's next move was. The sky above them was clear, despite it pouring down earlier. A few stars were scattered in clumps around the moon, lighting the roads softly. There was a stillness to the air, it was no longer raining but everywhere was damp. Josh took a deep breath in and stroked his thumb against Tyler's cold hand. 

"Tyler, I shouldn't, you're young, you're confused, you're in a horrible place. I don't want it to seem like I'm taking advantage of you, I'm nothing special-" Josh began, his eyes looking glassy and sad.

"I love you, Josh. How hard is that to understand? You could be homeless and I would still love you. Please." Tyler whispered, exasperated.

"I- I love you too, Tyler. I do. Okay. You hear that? I love you," He blurted, before leaning in, his hand cupping Tyler's wet face and planting a delicate, soft kiss on Tyler's chapped lips, "Let's get you cleaned up."

The rest of the car journey was silent. Josh looked at the road ahead for the entire twenty minutes and Tyler sat with his hand in Josh's. It stung, the deep scrapes still oozing a little bit of blood from Tyler's palm onto Josh's. A tiny smile was peeking at the corner of Tyler's lips. He wasn't quite sure how he felt, the man he had such deep, intense feelings for loved him back. Someone loved him. He wasn't sure what to do next, but all he knew is that he wanted to be with Josh from now on. 

-

They arrived back at the apartment, Josh keeping his hand lightly pressed to Tyler's lower back assuringly as they climbed the flights of stairs. Everything was just how it was left and Tyler took a sigh of relief as he was back to familiarity, no random people squished against him dancing and grinding, no angry Josh shouting at him. He was as close to home as he could get. 

"Your hands, let's clean them up." Josh walked to the kitchen sink, running the water until it was luke-warm.

He gently took hold of Tyler's hands whilst Tyler winced in pain. The warm water hit Tyler's damaged palms, running down over the pink flesh, cleaning out some of the grit and dirt that had pushed it's way in during the fall. Josh ran his thumb over the palms, trying to clean Tyler's hands up as carefully as possibly, but Tyler let out a small groan and started sobbing. 

"It's okay. I'll stop, they're as clean as they'll get for now." Josh said reassuringly, turning the tap off and engulfing Tyler in his arms, wrapping him up and tucking his head under his chin. He placed a small kiss onto Tyler's forehead before letting go of the tight embrace. 

They both walked to Tyler's bedroom quietly, Tyler smiling slightly knowing that Josh was behind him, keeping him company. 

"I'm going to put some pyjamas on, I'll be back in a second." Tyler grabbed some sweats from the floor of the messy bedroom and went into his bathroom. He peeled off his soaking wet skeleton jacket and jeans, his body still cold and clammy from them. He took a deep breath in and it hit him. He smelt like Josh. His clothes, his skin, his hair- everything. It all smelt like Josh. It felt like Josh's scent had swallowed him whole. It felt good. He felt safe almost in it. It was warm, boyish, musky and it was everywhere. 

Tyler opened the bathroom door to find Josh sat on the edge of the bed, fiddling with his fingernails and looking around the room absent-mindedly. He smiled fondly at the sight. Even though Josh was the older, more mature boy, his innocence and kindness was so clear. It was almost as though he was both his adult self and childish self simultaneously. As if he never fully managed to grow up, part of him left behind in childhood, possibly because his emotions, so tightly reined in, could not manage to grow or mature. He still seemed to retain the innocence (yet not the naivety) and on occasion the emotions of his childish self, a young boy with outstanding deductive and analytical powers yet still, at heart, a child. A normal child with a sense of adventure, perhaps more pride than most, and maybe...emotion.

"Get in." Josh motioned to the bed, and Tyler's face softened even more, landing himself on the bed, tucking himself in under the white covers, his head melting into the pillows. 

Josh slipped his shoes off and got into the bed with Tyler. Tyler wriggled with happiness as he felt Josh cocooning himself around his small body. Big spoon and little spoon. Josh reached his hands around Tyler's waist so their hands met, Josh's large palms swallowing Tyler's small fingers up. Josh's chin was resting on Tyler's feathery hair, the breath coming out his nose making a few strands flicker around. Josh's chest was pressed against Tyler's back and Tyler was soothed by his steady breathing, feeling safe and at home in his arms. 

"Thank you Josh, I don't deserve you." Tyler murmured sleepily into the pillow, a dopey smile upon his face.

"It's okay Tyler. I'm sorry. You are truly lovely. So so lovely. You deserve the world," Josh's warm breath tingled on Tyler, his words like a delicate kiss on his ear, "The absolute world."


	11. The Boy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is going to be joshs perspective!!! still in third person but from josh's side so you can get to know him and whats going on with him. if you all enjoy josh's perspective please let me know and ill extend it for a few chapters but i do need feedback!! thank u and enjoy :)

Josh woke suddenly, every thought in high definition. His eyes took in every ray of light and without a doubt he knew he'd slept too long. The noises were of a day in full swing, traffic heavy. He was still dressed in his clothes from last night, still intertwined with Tyler, but it wasn't the middle of the night like he'd planned. He was still in bed with Tyler. He wasn't waiting on the sofa in the lounge for Mark to arrive so he could go home. He'd made a terrible mistake. Mark must know. He must have gone looking for him only to find him curled up around Tyler, lips pressed into his feathery hair. 

Josh suddenly felt trapped in a web he had spun himself. He loved this small fragile boy that was holding his hands, dearly so. He wanted to do everything in his power for this boy. He wanted to get a vacuum and suck all of this boy's problems out of his head. But the problem was, he'd lied to this boy- terribly. The guilt was like gasoline in his guts. His insides dying slowly in the toxicity, needing no more than a spark to set it ablaze. The fire burnt him out so badly there was nothing left but a shell, an outline of a person. That day when Tyler had messaged him upset. That day when he went over to the apartment and took advantage of Tyler. That day when he told Tyler that he wasn't with Debby anymore- that Mark had got it wrong. It was all a lie. And to add to all of that, he hadn't told Tyler that he had taken the job from Walk The Moon and was leaving in a few days to Europe. 

He sat cross legged on the bed, debating what to say to Mark when he left the room. If Mark was going to blatantly tell him to get out and never come round again. The gay culture was becoming more and more accepted in his friendship circle, but you could never tell if someone would just turn around and not accept you for who you are. Especially when you're still dangling your girlfriend by a string with excuses. 

Josh stepped carefully out of the room, shutting the door slowly behind him, making sure he didn't wake Tyler up. The fear sat on him like a pillow over his mouth and nose. Enough air gets by it, allowing his body to keep functioning, but it was crippling all the same. He walked up to Mark who was in the kitchen and began small talk. Josh talked, he smiled like he always did, but his insides were dying slowly. He was silently praying Mark had forgotten that he was even here. 

"Josh we have to talk, I'm-" Mark interrupted the small talk, his eyebrows knitting together in a look of concern. 

"Look Mark it's hard to explain I'm sorry I should have told you I know." Josh fell back onto the couch, shaking his head and placing it in his hands, groaning with stress. 

Mark looked at him sympathetically and joined him on the couch.

"Josh, Tyler is in such a difficult place right now. No family, just us. No money, just anything I give him. No life right now. You can't be taking advantage of him because you're curious... Y'know. I can't let you do that." Mark nudged Josh, his serious expression and words angering Josh.

"What the hell, Mark?! You really think I'm just using him to experiment? I love this boy! I love him! I want to help him. I want to wrap him up and look after him. Protect him from whatever's happening in his mind. I want him to be happy and I can give him that!" Josh exclaimed, waving his hands around in the air, forgetting Tyler was asleep in the room next door.

"I-Josh. I wasn't saying you don't care for him. But you're playing this boy right now. And Debby. Debby is back at your place right now, waiting for you. You're here curled up in bed with Tyler. If you don't care for Debby anymore, you need to end it. Tell her straight. She can't be left like this, and if you really love Tyler-"

"I do. I do love him. I know I have to end things. It's not as easy as it seems Mark! Telling your long-term girlfriend you're leaving her for another man who's ten years younger than you? That's gonna go down great!" Josh slapped his knee, his eyes brimming at the thought of having to do these things. To make it even worse, a sniffle came from the doorway and there stood Tyler, an oversized t-shirt and boxers on. His eyes bloodshot and his face white. 

"Tyler, I'm so sorry." Josh stood up, quickly making his way to Tyler, wrapping him up in his shaky arms.

"It's okay, Josh. It's fine. I mean. It's reassuring, you didn't just turn on me for no reason last night..." Tyler said quietly, his bottom lip quivering.

The raven-haired boy was standing in front of Josh, looking so small and vulnerable. The two of them stood and stared at each other and said nothing. No words come out from their mouths, not even a smile or a hint of gesture. But one look already shared it all. Tyler was the first one to look away, averting his eyes from Josh's, walking past him to return to the bedroom. Josh turned around and watched his short, skinny figure fading.

"I love you, Tyler!" Josh shouted down the corridor, hoping Tyler would turn around but he received nothing but an awkward glance from him. 

"Mark I'm going to take him back to my place. I think I should talk to him properly- tell him how I feel. I can explain things to Debby when she gets back from shopping with her friend. I don't know Mark, everything's so messy right now.. what have I done?" Josh sighed, fiddling with his beanie, tucking stray hairs away. 

"Okay.. I'll... Go I guess? I love you man. If you need anything I'm here, alright?" Mark patted him on the back. 

Josh was tired. Mentally and physically. His tiredness made his body hang limp like wet laundry on a cold still day. He felt like every muscle was giving into gravity. What he wanted was sleep, a nice warm bed and a solid night of dreams, cuddled up with Tyler. But there was so much stopping him. He had to talk to Debby, he had to get Debby's stuff out his house. He had to tell Tyler about Europe, figure something out. He needed to get moving on his mental to-do list so that he could be at peace, for the first time in weeks. 

"Tyler, we're going back to my place, we have to talk stuff out." Josh called from the lounge, jittering his leg nervously. 

-

The two of them walked, shoulders constantly in contact, down the high street. In plain common-place matter-of-fact, then, it was a fine morning — so fine that you would scarcely have believed that the few months of summer had yet flown by. Hedges, fields, and trees, hill and moorland, presented to the eye their ever-varying shades of deep rich green; scarce a leaf had fallen, scarce a sprinkle of yellow mingled with the hues of summer warned you that autumn had begun. The sky was cloudless, the sun shone out bright and warm; the songs of birds, and hum of myriads of summer insects, filled the air; and the front gardens of the houses, crowded with flowers of every rich and beautiful tint, sparkled, in the heavy dew, like beds of glittering jewels. Everything bore the stamp of summer, and none of its beautiful colours had yet faded from the dye. The air was as crisp and sweet as one of the apples in the orchard that Josh passed on the way to Mark's apartment every day. The ground was wet underfoot and it reminded Josh of last nights events- the rain hammering down, the two of them sodden and damp. 

"It's my favourite time of year..." Tyler said quietly, breaking the silence.

Josh smiled fondly, a silent wave of appreciation for Tyler coming over him for breaking the silence.

"Is it? Why?" Josh licked his bottom lip, meeting Tyler's caramel-chocolate eyes. 

He watched Tyler explaining his favourite things about autumn, but the words weren't really going in. He was more just admiring the beauty of the boy. There was only one word to describe the sun-kissed boy. Where his eyes were the brown of fresh, hot coffee glinting in the sunlight. His lips were so pink and plump and his nose slender and pointed. A prominent jaw curved gracefully around and met his neck which was covered in a dusting of stubble. He was so small. So vulnerable. He stood a good few inches smaller than Josh, his shoulders sloping and his body a much smaller and fragile frame. His perfect lips ripe for the kissing. His small, feminine hands, slightly rough from his fall, waved around in the air as he expressed his love for this season. Josh couldn't help but blush. His smile etched its way back into his face. Josh hadn't realised, but Tyler had finished talking and he was still staring. 

"What!" Tyler let out a small giggle, nudging into Josh sheepishly. 

"It's nice seeing you happy, talking about stuff you like." Josh sniffed, trying to act as nonchalant as possible, not as if he was just thinking about how beautiful Tyler was. 

Tyler stifled a smile, scratching the back of his head shyly, "Are we almost there? My legs are tired." 

Josh nodded and picked up the pace a little bit, he loved crowds. He loved the way people walked, roughly in one direction, weaving a little, chatting as they go. He watched them, some heads down and lost in thought and wondered what their private worlds are like- each of them viewing this same place, this same day, from a unique perspective. Some of them notice the sun, others the cloudy remains of yesterdays rainstorm. Either way their footfalls soothed Josh better than a flowing river. He was a city boy and always would be, but he knew Tyler wasn't. He knew Tyler wanted to get out of here as quickly as possible and back to a quiet place. 

They shortly arrived at Josh's place, Josh watching as Tyler took in the sizeable building in front of him. Josh wished he could just have Tyler living here with him. They'd have breakfast in the conservatory, looking out onto the field and river at the end of Josh's garden. They'd sit in his hammock on balmy, warm summer nights with glasses of cold drinks and talk about life and their future together. He wished things would just fast forward so that things were that easy. He wanted all of Tyler's problems to be gone, he wanted them to have a life together. He loved that boy.

The boy with his hair, dark and lustrous, that had a sheen like fine hardwood. But that comparison isn't entirely fair, Josh supposed. Hardwood didn't swish gently like his hair does, swaying with the words he speaks. A shiny varnish catches merely light around it, but the depths of that deep chestnut brown reflected all the radiance of his smile. The boy with his deep deep alluring eyes, that captivated Josh as flecks of gold danced within the deep swirls of cocoa making them appear to have a mystery hidden inside waiting to be discovered. The boy with skin resembled that of smooth caramel and Josh longed to touch it, run a hand over his slender arm, covered in the beautiful black ink work.The boy with a crooked smile that shone like stars after dark, with no city lights to dim them. Despite everything he'd been going through, he still persisted to smile and be the one thing that brightened up even the saddest of days. 

"Just sit here, do you want a drink or something?" Josh asked, watching Tyler sit gingerly on his big, worn out, leather couch. 

"Yeah- yeah I'll have some water." Tyler said, visibly a little wary being in a new place. 

Josh quickly poured them both a glass of water and paused to steady himself on the kitchen counter. He breathed in deeply, readying himself for the conversation to come. He knew it wasn't necessarily a bad conversation, but he was worried what Tyler would say. He needed to discuss the Europe situation. He needed to discuss the Debby situation and quickly, before Debby got home, try and tell Tyler how he felt. He wasn't good with emotions, he kept a lot in, like he was taught as a kid. He spent most days just going to Mark's apartment, fixing up drums, coming home and sleeping. His life wasn't exciting and now that there was a prospect of change, it was overwhelming. 

"So. I kind of have a lot to say, Ty." Josh sat next to him, his arm lightly around the back of Tyler's shoulders.

"Okay, go on." Tyler smiled at him reassuringly, leaning back into his arm. 

"Walk The Moon have invited me to go on tour to Europe. Their drummer is in hospital and since I know their stuff, they want me to fill in. It's a two week tour, so not too long-" Josh started explaining, but was interrupted.

"No! Josh you can't leave me!" Tyler's eyes filled with fear and he had leapt backwards on the couch.

Josh grabbed his wrist and shook his head, pulling Tyler back in closer, "No, silly. You can come with me, if you're willing. If not, we don't have to go. I just thought we could go together. The guys are so nice and Europe is amazing! Think about it- Paris, Berlin, Amsterdam, London! All these places we could go together just you and I, exploring, eating tasty food, seeing beautiful sights, Tyler imagine! Hotel rooms to ourselves every night! Lovely baths and meals and clothes! You could even earn some money teching for them!" 

Tyler seemed taken aback, but a smile spread across his tense face.

"I-I'd love that. I'd love that Josh, wow, I'm- Thank you!" Tyler teared up a little with joy, Josh thanking heavens he said yes. 

"Okay, now. Sorry to be blunt but onto the next thing.. Debby." The tone became a little more serious and Tyler's face fell into a blank expression. 

"I'm breaking up with her like, as soon as she gets home. I won't be playing anybody anymore, because I don't love her Tyler, really, I love you. Only you. The day I took you for a therapy session and you were so broken, so vulnerable, I knew I was the only one who could look after you. I had to. I knew when you broke down crying that you needed somebody, and I could be that somebody. When we went to the coffee shop and you liked lemon muffins over chocolate, it was only a tiny thing, but all these little things about you I collected and it amounted into such love. Such, such love for you Tyler. When I took you to the forest, seeing how much you loved the plants and the river, the colours and the smells, I couldn't stop thinking about how beautiful it made you look. Your tanned skin against the rich emerald greens of the trees and shrubbery. The rain dripping down, your hair flat and skewed, sticking to your forehead. I'm so glad you told me how you felt that day and that you kissed me. It made me so happy, Tyler. You make me so happy. Happier than anybody could make me." Josh babbled, his cheeks blushing and his eyes darting around the room. 

Tyler stayed silent, leaning forward into Josh's warm chest. 

"I love you, Josh. You deserve the world. Just like you said I did, I'm telling you the same." Tyler stroked Josh's stubbly jawline, smiling so brightly and wildly. 

Josh leaned in, cupping Tyler's soft skin. When he kissed Tyler, his brain lit on fire and the warmth spread throughout his entire body. Home. He was addicted, he couldn't bare the thought not to be with him and he could barely breathe when Tyler was around. Those kisses were Josh's salvation and it took him to another place. He lived for them and he would die with the memory of them on his lips. He dedicated his life to being with him from the moment of their first kiss, little did Tyler know, but Josh knew that if he lost him, he would loose himself. Tyler was the half that made him whole.

The kiss obliterated every thought. For the first time in forever Josh's mind was locked into the present. The worries of the day evaporated like a summer shower onto a hot car. His usual mode of hurrying from one thing to the next was suspended, he had no wish for the kiss to end. Drunk on endorphins his only desire was to touch Tyler, to move his hands under his soft black shirt and feel his perfect softness. In moments the soft caress has become more firm, he savoured Tyler's lips and the quickening of his breath that matched his own. A kiss like this was a beginning, a promise of much more to come.

-

Debby had arrived home, on time and Josh had prepared himself for the moment. He'd asked Mark to come and get Tyler after they had a bite to eat and cuddled whilst talking about their Europe plans. He felt tense, worried and anxious. Debby was wonderful, she brought him a lot. A lot of experiences and brilliant memories, but it was if Tyler was acid rain and he had eroded away any feelings Josh had for Debby anymore. He didn't really feel much. Just sorry for her.

Josh spoke with politeness and softness to Debby. He was more aware of the pounding of his head than the words coming out of his cracked lips. 

"I just- Debby, to be perfectly honest. I think we've lost our spark. I'm so sorry. I truly am. But someone I've been hanging around with the past month has really lit a match in my heart. You're a beautiful girl, really. But when someone who you honestly feel is like your missing puzzle piece comes along, you can't let them go Debby and for that, I'm not sorry, but thankful. You can go and find somebody who truly loves you for your beautiful smile and quirkiness. Not me, someone who goes and loves somebody else whilst still with you. Okay. I'm-" Josh rambled on, shaking a little whilst holding her wrist. 

"I... I don't- I don't get it? Is this that boy you were with yesterday? I honestly- I knew it. I knew it. Y'know what Josh. Fuck your "kind" words. I do so much for you, I honestly did. And this is what I get? You fucking some other guy up the ass whilst I'm gone? That's so nasty, I can't believe I've kissed your mouth after you did that to another man I'm-" Debby fumed, her eyes clouded over in rage, but Josh wasn't having any of it. 

"Get out my house, Debby. If you're going to be homophobic and say disgusting things about Tyler, you don't have my respect. I respected you, but you can leave now." Josh sighed, all his sorriest, guilty words gone to waste. 

She slammed the front door, leaving all her stuff behind scattered all around Josh's house like a snail's trail. He was upset. The silence of the room spoke a thousand words. Josh was alone with his thoughts and it was bittersweet. Debby had left, probably for good, but Tyler was his. He was with Tyler now. They'd be travelling to Europe together soon, Tyler falling asleep on his shoulder probably. Looking at the Eiffel Tower together, walking through the busy streets of Berlin holding hands. He was so excited, he wanted Tyler to be here right now, so they could talk about it more and more, babble excitedly and kiss him in a flurry of overwhelming excitement. But Tyler had to sleep, had to be back at Mark's. 

"You deserve the world Tyler, and I will try my best to give it you." Josh texted Tyler, biting his bottom lip to stop his goofy smile. 

He was going to try his absolute best. He would. 

 

 


	12. Tu es à moi.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is a shit chapter but im so tired and stressed ill update tomorrow and i might even come back and edit this chapter sorry dont hate me lol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> still written from josh's pov since you all liked it!!!  
> song(s) for this chapter:  
> Loving Someone - The 1975  
> Strawberry Swing - Coldplay

Before the day had even started for the masses, Josh was already in the kitchen, waiting for Tyler, fully dressed and ready to go. Outside it was as black as night, only by the clock could Josh tell the difference between the time to sleep and the time to rise. The dawn would come in the taxi ride to the airport, lighting their way first in monochrome and then with subtle hues of colour. 

"C'mon, Ty! The taxi has been waiting for like, five minutes now!" Josh called, checking his phone for the time, nervously pacing by the door. 

Tyler appeared from the bedroom and Josh's anxious face soon relaxed into a fond smile. Tyler was wearing one of Josh's shirts and it looked huge on him. It hung around his neck and his skinny arms, swallowing him up. He paired it with some grey sweatpants and a black Adidas hoodie. Josh was in awe. It was literally half past four in the morning and Tyler had the capability to take his breath away. 

"Let's go then." Tyler lifted the handle out of his suitcase and, onto his head, placed an all black baseball cap, covering his forehead. 

Early mornings were Josh's favourite. The mountains in the distance were silhouettes against a crimson sky and the air smelt of the nearby ocean. There was no drone of cars, or the hiss as they moved over the rain coated street; there was only the cry of the gulls as they called for the fishing boats to come in. There was something about the dawn that made each new day such a gift, eased Josh in gently, unwrapping the world anew. 

The taxi drive was relatively quiet, a few murmurs from Tyler about the sunrise and a few squeezes on each other's legs, but Josh spent most of the journey staring at Tyler's absolute glorious beauty, accentuated by the morning glow. His rich, chocolate hair that was tousled from his hat. His thick, strong brows and eyelashes so thick, it could be illegal. And then his eyes- they looking out the window wistfully, flicking from cars to trees to rivers they passed. They were the same indulgent brown as always, but in this particular lighting, flecks of silver could be seen around the pupil. His distinct cheekbones and angular jaw were also hit by the soft glow of the morning, shadows making his contours look even more defined.

-

The taxi pulled up the airport and Josh carried all of their bags, Tyler walking sheepishly next to him, but Josh didn't want Tyler to have to do anything this trip. He wanted to treat Tyler like the prince he was. Give him anything he wanted, no matter the time, place or price. He'd do it for him. So it started here- no carrying bags for Tyler. The two of them were stood in the check-in desk, waiting for the band to arrive. Josh was nervous. This was the first time the guys would meet Tyler. They didn't know that Tyler was technically Josh's boyfriend, but Josh was still desperate for everybody to like him and treat him well. A muscle twitched involuntarily at the corner of his right eye, nibbing on his bottom lip. With arms folded tightly across his broad chest he tapped his foot furiously and all the while stared out of the large window waiting for the first sight of the four men and accompaniments to arrive.

"Joooooooosh!" A booming voice came from Josh's left side, frightening him and making him jump a little. It was Kevin, the bassist from the band with his girlfriend. 

"Kevin!" Josh and Kevin engaged in some cringe-worthy, embarrassing "bro" hug whilst Tyler and Kevin's partner stood awkwardly. 

"Hi, I'm Caitlyn. You can call me Cait though, if you'd like." She smiled and Tyler smiled weakly back, extending his hand to shake, but instead he was engulfed in a friendly hug from the girl. This made Josh pleased, people were already warming to Tyler and Tyler didn't seem completely uncomfortable with it. 

"Hi Cait, this is Tyler my uh- He's Tyler!" Josh laughed awkwardly, cringing deeply inside wishing he could rewind what he just said. 

Cait was young, pale and very pretty. There was warmth in her smile and and her voice was soft and inviting. Her clothes were casual, the ubiquitous look all the university girls had: tight jeans, wide necked sweater and cute brown boots. Josh had already warmed to Cait after the few times he'd hung out at Kevin's place, he thought that she and Tyler would get on well, both quite intelligent and inviting people. 

"Josh, can I steal Tyler for a little bit? I thought we could go grab some coffee and meet the other guys, they're already checked into the waiting lounge." She pointed towards the waiting area, hooking her arm through Tyler's. 

Josh's eyes darted to Tyler's. He didn't want Tyler to feel uncomfortable, feel trapped into something, but Tyler smiled happily and seemed like he wasn't opposed to the suggestion from Cait. 

"Yeah, I mean, if that's good with you Tyler?" Josh looked deeply into his eyes, giving Tyler his chance to say if he wasn't happy, but he gave Josh a small thumbs up and followed Cait through to the departure lounge, leaving Kevin and Josh to roam around the shops inside the airport. 

The airport looked more like a shopping mall than anything Josh had expected. The tiles under foot gleamed white and everywhere were people milling around. There were two glass elevators leading to an upper floor which had the appearance of a food mall. And in the middle of several large open areas were blue fabric covered seats. The air was cool and only the faint aroma coming down from the food area gave it any scent. Some stairs lead up to a viewing deck where Josh could see Cait and Tyler, looking out the window whilst sipping coffee and his mind was put to ease. There were mounted telescopes for them to look through and the back wall was one large window. Behind the telescopes was a scale model of the airport with the runways marked on it. 

A heavy silence settled over Kevin and Josh, thicker then the awkward tension in the atmosphere. Josh tried to avoid eye contact, constantly picking up the colognes and the clothes, trying to distract from any conversation Kevin might have about Tyler. But it wasn't avoidable and it was about to hit him smack in the face.

"So, who's the cute guy?" Kevin nudged Josh's shoulder, "You got yourself a toy boy I see!"

"Listen, Kevin-" Josh started, his heart quickening and his hands becoming clammy. 

"Don't be dumb, Josh. Don't turn to me and tell me he's a colleague, or a friend, I literally know. Like, I know. I saw you pressing him against a damn wall in your house on halloween then disappear into your room." Kevin laughed nonchalantly, spraying way too much of a cologne all over his wrists and neck, the overpowering scent almost suffocating Josh. 

"I- But-" Josh stuttered, kicking himself inside. How many more people knew about it? How many more people "saw" it. He didn't want to keep Tyler a secret but he sure as hell didn't want everyone in the world knowing. Not yet, anyway.

"Yeah yeah yeah, I know. Don't tell anyone, it's not official, blah blah blah. I'll do whatever. I'm just letting you know, bro, I'm cool with that. You know me, I go with the flow. I'm tellin' you, ifCait wasn't mine? I'd be all over that little tanned guy. I swear-" He widened his eyes, only trying to comfort Josh and make him comfortable, but Josh became the opposite.

"Hey, can we... Can we not? He's kinda, y'know. He's fragile is all I'm gonna say. Takes a lot to get to him, you'll be lucky if you know his second name before the tour's over." Josh licked his bottom lip, trying to stifle his small smile whilst talking about Tyler.

"Oh. Sorry, let's go." Kevin put his bottom lip out apologetically and walked out the store, heading towards where Tyler and Cait were sat with the others.

Tyler looked relieved to see Josh, his face and body language relaxing instantly as soon as Josh reached the top of the escalator. The rest of the band were there, sat absorbed into their phones, now and again lifting their heads to check the plane hadn't actually left without them. Josh smiled a fond smile when he spotted Tyler amongst the others. He stood out, not just to Josh, but he must have stood out to everyone. His large, glittery eyes and his smile that could light up a city in the dark. He was chatting and laughing his little giggly laugh, making eye contact and even sharing food with all of the guys and accompanying girlfriends. Josh couldn't help but feel immense pride for Tyler, thinking back to outside the psychologist's building when he had to watch Tyler break down, and now here he was. A little social butterfly. 

The wait for the plane was agonizing to Josh. It was probably only around an hour but it seemed like an absolute lifetime to him. He couldn't even sit next to Tyler sinceCait and Nick, the lead singer, were sat on either side. He was dying to make physical contact with Tyler, it felt like a magnetic force was in between them and Josh had to resist it. It made Josh slightly sad, seeing Cait with Kevin and Nick with his girlfriend, Juliette, being able to show their affection in public and he had to act like Tyler didn't even exist. He'd catch Tyler's eyes frequently and they exchanged knowing looks, Josh just itching to talk to him. Look at him. He'd never felt like this before, not for Debby, not for that girl he dated back in high school, not anyone. He felt like when he wasn't with Tyler a piece was missing. Like he'd figured out the entire puzzle, only to find the last piece wasn't in the box. 

"Ah! This is us!" Kevin jumped up, scrambling for his hand luggage and gathering the group up together by the terminal exit. 

"We're on a different row, thank god." Josh whispered to Tyler. This meant he could sneak soft kisses and let Tyler sleep on his shoulder. He didn't have to sit rigid and talk about stuff he didn't really care about. 

"I'm so tired, I hardly slept last night y'know." Tyler sighed, rubbing his puffy eyes and leaning against Josh whilst they queued to enter the plane. 

"You can sleep on me when we've taken off, I make a pretty remarkable pillow you know. Something you might be interested in?" Josh chuckled and the friendly crinkles at the corners of his eyes appeared.

"Maybe, I'll have to see. Sleeping on strangers isn't something I do often." Tyler gave Josh a lazy smile, flashing his boarding pass and passport to the attendant. 

The plane was small, considering it was a long haul flight, but Josh didn't care- if anything he preferred that. They were on a row of three seats, but the last seat remained empty, because the lady decided her child could sit on her knee instead of it's own seat. Tyler sat by the window, since he practically begged Josh. He'd never been on a plane before and Josh's heart was swooning watching his excitement as the plane took off. 

When the clouds shifted the earth below was the most astonishing sight of all, like a child sleeping under her puffed duvet of white. It was beautiful, and watching Tyler's face light up like a child in a sweet shop couldn't have more enchanting or more rewarding. Josh sat, his eyes full of love and a large smile wiped across his face, Tyler looking down on their town that was spread beneath like a living map. The roads snaked and curved like the blue veins on Josh's grandma's hands. From this high up it was like one organic beast, with cars for blood and houses for muscle cells. The church with it's great spire was positioned where the heart would be and the forests on the outside were like the fur. It seemed to be lacking bones or appendages somewhat but it was getting on just fine without them.

"Do you like it?" Josh placed his chin on Tyler's shoulder, looking out the window with him.

"It's beautiful!" Tyler beamed, pressing his cheek against Josh's, "Thank you for bringing me." 

"Thank you for coming, Tyler. I'm proud of you, this is a big thing!" Josh squeezed his thigh and nodded to him reassuringly, trying to make Tyler aware of how much he was progressing. 

-

Tyler still hadn't fallen asleep, despite the fact they were two hours into the flight, so Josh gently pushed Tyler's head onto his shoulder, brushing his soft hair and quickly placing tiny kisses on his forehead. From the week of Tyler barely getting any sleep, Josh had expected this. Tyler's head lolled onto his shoulder, his eyelids finally gently slipping closed; Josh smiled. The rest of Tyler slowly leaned into him, his body going limp. Josh could finally see him sleep. Without the complex workings of his conscious mind he looked so vulnerable and childlike. His breaths were even and calming, the expression on his face no longer stressed but relaxed. His eyelids fluttered, but he seemed too out of it to notice.

 "Je t'aime." Josh said, quietly, smirking as he did so.

 "Tu es à moi." He pressed another light kiss on Tyler's head.

 "Fais de beaux rêves." He smiled, wishing Tyler sweet dreams, watching as Tyler's eyes flickered open and shut a few more times.

 "I don't know French Josh-" Tyler giggled out of nowhere, licking his bottom lip, looking up behind his drowsy eyelids. 

 "Go to sleep. I was trying to be cute, dummy." Josh rolled his eyes and pulled Tyler in closely to his chest, pulling the blind down to stop any sunlight from waking his sleeping beauty.

 

 


	13. Out Back.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> song(s) for the chapter:  
> LA Devotee - Panic! At The Disco  
> Make You Feel - Alina Baraz

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys!  
> sorry for the weak last chapter, ive been tired and stuff lately.  
> i hope youre all good and i really appreciate all the lovely comments and kudos and stuff!  
> i'd love to hear if you have any thoughts on the characters/storyline and if you have any stuff you'd like to see! you can leave it in the comments or tweet/dm me on twitter (@semiautomtaic)  
> lots of love!  
> \- Cat. x

The flight had been generally fine, except for the lack of sleep Josh got. He watched Tyler sleep peacefully for hours, watching his eyelashes flutter and his lips gently pressed shut, but hadn't actually gotten any sleep of his own. His eyes were tired, purple tinted bags hanging underneath them. He felt gritty and drowsy. His day old clothes and unwashed hair giving him that grotty feeling when the water in your house breaks and you can't shower for a week. Nasty.

"It's so cold here!" Tyler shuddered, standing closely next to Josh whilst they waited for their luggage to come round on the conveyor belt. 

The airport in Paris was much smaller than the one in Ohio. It only had two terminals and barely any shops or food stalls. All of the group were looking for something to munch on, stomachs growling and ravenous for anything they could find. They'd collected their luggage and decided to just start their trek to the hotel, which was reasonably close by to the Eiffel Tower. Kevin decided he wanted to stop by the tower, so he could take pictures of it in the evening with all the twinkly lights glittering above the city, so the journey began. 

The city seemed alive in the darkness of night, tonnes of sophisticatedly dressed people weaving their way up and down the streets, traffic bustling past and music playing in the distance. They walked right down the centre of the street, Josh keeping his hand around Tyler at all times to keep him safe, and not far away lay The Eiffel Tower. It stood like a skeleton of metal projecting up into a sky that was rapidly becoming a black ink rather than a navy blue. A cold Autumn night like that should have been foggy, misty at the least, but it looked determined to be a story-book perfect night in Paris. Even more perfect now Tyler was walking alongside Josh. His eyes wide, taking in the vast size of the city surrounding him. He was so small and fragile, everything around him almost swallowed him up. 

They reached the tower, all of them stood at the base looking up.

"I can truly say I never appreciated its size." Eli, the band's guitarist, stared in awe.

The legs were as far apart as Ohio's town plaza and the metal was dull. The night sky behind was beautiful also; matte charcoal black uncontrollably covered in thousands and millions of bright specks. Josh loved that you could see star, after star, after star, a never ending void of light that projects no means of guidance into his eyes. He envied people that could read that stars. The complicated configurations and patterns of light which have taken years to be seen by the average naked eye. Down the hill below, the blacked out architecture of Paris could be seen. Delicate buildings lined together, some lit up with warm fairy lights, some shut for the evening, but all pretty and vastly different to the buildings in Ohio.

 Josh walked Tyler over, away from the group and behind the food stall that stood next to the tower. They stood staring up at the magnificent structure, faces bathed in the moonlight, the sound of the group joking and laughing just metres away. Josh's arm draped over Tyler's waist. Josh lent in for a kiss, the kind he wanted to last forever, but after a time he withdrew to gaze at the face she loved so much. He glided his hand over Tyler's skin to his smiling face, brushing away a little flick of hair.

"Have I ever told you I love you?" He took a big sigh, staring lovingly at Tyler, who was gazing up at the tower again.

 "You have. Only a small amount of times. So I still love to hear it." Tyler's eyes retracted from the sky and met Josh's, his cheeks blushing a light blossom pink.

 "Well I love you. So much." Josh pressed a kiss on his plump lips, resting his forehead against Tyler's, before pulling away and leading them back over to the group again. 

 "We're going for a meal, that place there," Kevin pointed down the street ahead of them to a fancy looking restaurant, black and gold plated lettering on the outside, glittery lights tangled up the gated doorway. It almost looked too high-end for their airport-casual clothes and wacky hair.

 Josh waited for the group to walk ahead, before linking his fingers into Tyler's hand shooting him a look that was all love, just the right hint of softness, a crease at the corners of his eyes. Both of them repressed grins as they checked out the street of bars, so much partying going on and only a few hours more until closing. It was almost like a dream. Walking the streets of Paris, the city of love, with his soul mate. Tyler was still like a kid at a fairground, eyes shimmering in the city lights, breathing it all in, looking enchanted by all the foreign sights. 

 The restaurant was busy, surprisingly, considering it was almost midnight. Kevin sat at the end of the table, Cait and Juliette sat next to each other, gossiping and chatting about the usual stuff girls did when in Paris. Clothes and love and stuff. Josh didn't know. Tyler was sat close next to him, their shoulders touching slightly, Josh's hand resting high up Tyler's leg. Everyone was chatting, getting on extremely well, wine was flowing as well as conversation. Nibbles had been brought out to pick at whilst waiting for the food and they were almost all gone already. The atmosphere was family-like. Warm. It was lovely.

 Tyler looked majestic. He'd taken off his large hoodie, an oversized shirt exposing his skinny, inked arms- glowing underneath the golden lighting of the restaurant. His eyes were like a chocolate ocean, glimmering and rich. He looked so wonderful and it was really getting to Josh. Badly. He wanted to attack Tyler right there and then, leave hot, wet kisses up his neck, bite down on his plump, pomegranate lips and run his hands over his slender, caramel body. Josh's hand slowly rose up Tyler's leg, closer and closer to the crotch until his whole hand was covering Tyler's zipper-area. 

 "Josh-" Tyler's eyes darted down and up, confusion written all over his face.

 Josh ignored him and started to palm him through his grey sweats. Rubbing his hand up and down Tyler's length, continuing conversation with everybody across the table whilst doing so, making sure nobody grew suspicious of the pair. Tyler grew harder and harder in Josh's hand, squirming and wriggling on his chair, his chest rising and falling quickly and more deeply than before. Josh loved to watch Tyler get flustered, especially now it was in front of everyone and there was nothing he could do. Like torture, but more fun... and less harm. Tyler lifted his arm up, running his hand through his messy, fluffy head of hair, his cheeks prominently more pink, which didn't match the cool temperature of the room. 

 "Me and Ty are gonna go out back, he doesn't feel too good." Josh stuck his bottom lip out at the group sympathetically, grabbing Tyler's shoulder and walking in front to cover the incredibly visible tent in Tyler's pants. Tyler looked frightened and scared, he had no idea what Josh was going to do. No idea. 

 The alleyway behind the restaurant was darkness and the relics of a hundred take-away meals. They walked between the walls that were too high for them to bother seeking the almost black sky. The buildings were tight together and loomed over them, like a forest of stone. When Josh looked up the roofs were so close together that barely any light could reach through, except for a sliver of yellow, that lit them both just enough so they could see each other. 

 Josh knew that once he kissed Tyler's neck, his resistance would crumble. After just a few delicate touches of his warm lips, Tyler's hands started to do his bidding. They fell down Josh's back as his head whirled, all previous thoughts stopped in their tracks. Now there was only one desire, one wish, and they both knew it was just a matter of time before it happened. On an alleyway in the middle of Paris.

 Josh pressed his lean body against Tyler's. Feeling his warmth, leaning in to caress his neck, Josh was ready to start palming Tyler through his pants again, but Tyler wasn't for that. He hastily undid the belt buckle on Josh's skinny jeans and yanked them down to his knees. Tyler stuck his tongue out of his mouth, leaving it hanging, his saliva building and glimmering in the soft light. He leaned down, inching closer and closer to Josh's cock, but not quite touching it. He was making Josh wait and he could hardly bare it. Josh wanted his lips around him now and Tyler gives in, knowing what he wants. He does the usual, furious bobbing and delicate licking, Josh bending his neck back in ecstasy, head pressed against the wall, eyes tightly screwed shut, teeth biting down harshly on his bottom lip. 

"Fuck, Tyler, Fuck!" Josh hissed, bucking his hips and coming in Tyler's hot mouth, letting Tyler swallow it. All. To his surprise. 

 "Please- I'm so fucking horny, Josh, please, fuck me" Tyler moaned into his ear, his voice husky and broken from lust, slowly grinding against, him, as if he couldn't help but move against his plump bottom, separated only by his sweats.

 “That’s fine by me,” Josh whispered and pulled Tyler's pants, brushing his hand against his hard cock, “I love to make you hard. I want to do so many bad things to you.”

 “I want to feel you inside me,” Tyler groaned, “But make it quick, they'll come looking soon."

 Josh quickly bent Tyler over, against the rough, brick wall behind them. Without warning, he pushed his throbbing erection fully into Tyler who moaned loudly. Josh immediately started moving, harder, faster, roughly kissing Tyler's round lips and they both moaned in the kiss. Josh started to speed up, putting his hand over Tyler's mouth to stifle his groans and moans and after a few seconds, he felt a familiar feeling in his lower stomach. His last few thrusts became sloppy, and he finished, biting his bottom lip, sweat beads forming on his forehead. He quickly pulled out, and pulled up his underwear and jeans.

 "C'mon. Fuck." Josh shook his head, in disbelief that he just fucked Tyler on a backstreet of Paris, everybody in the restaurant completely unaware. A small smirk forming.

 "You're so hot, Josh. I can't believe we just did that. I. I love you, damn." Tyler walked next to Josh, wiping sweat from his face. 

 -

 They rejoined the group inside, just as they were leaving. 

 "We didn't pay for your food, we thought you wouldn't appreciate any food, Ty, are you good?" Cait stood forward, placing her hand on his shoulder. 

 "Yeah, I'm just tired I think." He smiled weakly, thanking Cait and Kevin for worrying, following them into the hotel lobby, past the huge wooden and glass doors ahead of them. 

 The floor was tiled in fine marble, which made every step echo. A chandelier made rainbow colours dance across the luxurious lobby. Embroidered silk sofas surrounded a large, flat-screen television. The twin doors that led into the lobby were a pristine white with golden handles. The desk was made of amber-coloured wood and a green granite top. Exquisite paintings hung from the rich, red walls. Even the door hinges were engraved with swirls and elegant designs. The domed ceiling rose at least 100 feet high. All of them were in awe of the beautiful place, but Josh couldn't wait to get back to the room. Order some food. Get into bed and sleep. Sleep for hours and hours. 

 "See ya tomorrow, bright and early!" Eli patted Josh on the back, everyone leaving to their respectable rooms, leaving Tyler and Josh waiting for the elevator to their floor. 

 "I'm so tired, fuck." Tyler sighed, rubbing his eyes, a large yawn escaping his mouth. 

 "I know, but- Oh. Oh this is our room. Room 35. Remember that, our first night away together. Room 35." Josh pressed a small kiss on Tyler's head, turning the key in the golden lock. 

 Their room was huge and didn't look like a hotel room at all...more like a guest suite in an Italian palace. The bed was king-sized with pure white, Egyptian cotton sheets. They had their own desk, a thirty-six-inch TV with video and DVD, a sprawling leather sofa, and, on the other side of the floor-to-ceiling windows was their own private terrace. And the bathroom! As well as the power shower, there was a bath big enough for a football team, and a Jacuzzi. Everything in marble and hand-crafted tiles. Josh shuddered to think how much it might cost a night, silently thanking Walk The Moon's manager for hooking them up with this. It's a shame there was only one night staying here. He could quite easily have spent a week here, fucking Tyler on every surface imaginable.

 "Waffles! Oh god. I want waffles and strawberries and chocolate sauce!" Tyler whined, reading the room service menu, his mouth practically drooling. 

 "Oh that sound's so good, yes. I'll order some now, pass me the menu." Josh agreed, his eyes rolling thinking about how good they were going to taste. 

 Josh looked down at Tyler, sat like a kid at school, cross-legged on the bed, smiling admiringly up at him whilst he spoke on the phone. It was so adorable how the tiniest things gave him pleasure. So easily pleased. Twinkly lights, the view from a plane window, tall buildings, flowers, autumn and now waffles. Just another thing Josh absolutely adored about him. 

 The food arrived in huge, majestic metal domes. Removing the lid exposed two, vast, circular waffles. Josh could've fainted- he was starving. He placed the tray on the high, wide bed and hopped up to join Tyler, crossing his legs and licking his lips. He watched as the warm, sticky, viscous liquid fell in 360 degrees around his massive waffles, the syrup touched his butter and it melted the little yellow square into oily submission like it should be. There the two of them sat, knife and fork in hand, digging into their mini feast, fit for kings, Tyler babbling on about his favourite things so far in Paris. 

 Bliss.

 

 

 

 


	14. Little One.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> back 2 tyler's pov!!! :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im not going to be updating as frequently because i literally am running out of ideas and i feel like my writing is getting progressively worse SO im only going to update when i feel like it so that the chapters can be good quality and a good storyline. i hope yall are ok with that x

Tyler twitched, his body waking up earlier than he wanted it to but nevertheless, he didn't try to fight it and he sat up, removing Josh's heavy arms from around his waist. He looked back at the sleeping boy lying next to him. His plush, pink lips slightly parted and his eyes lightly shut. His breathing was steady and he looked at peace, his broad body tangled up in the dazzlingly white sheets. A peek of sunlight was streaming in through the curtains, lighting the room a tiny bit and it looked glorious. Tyler was in awe of this scene in front of him. The boy he loved, sleeping beautifully in the city of love. It was almost a dream. 

He stepped out onto their private balcony that overlooked the backstreets of the city. Brilliant gold and orange hues bled like fire in the east over the rivers and beyond the city. The first slither of the sun peeked over the skyline in a radiant, white form. Gradually it raised, a defined circle in a vibrant backdrop, the rivers a liquid gold and silver colour. As the sun fully revealed itself it seemed to swell, loosing its focus and spreading in contrast to Tyler’s contracting pupils. An easy breeze picked up and lifted to his vantage point, caressing his face and softly blowing loose strands of his fluffy hair. His slumber was far away from him now, lost in the awe of everything. 

"Pretty." A voice came from behind Tyler, arms wrapping themselves around his bare waist. He was startled at first, but after noticing the whirls of colour up the right arm, he relaxed. Josh. 

"Beautiful." Tyler tilted his head back to meet Josh's eyes.

His hair was messy, strewn across his head from his sleep, and it had faded to such a pretty colour. It was almost pink, the faded red looking almost a pale salmon shade. His honey eyes were shimmering from the sunrise and his bare chest had the slight dew of night sweat on it, glittering in the sun as well. Tyler would never be able to stop thinking how lucky he was to have this boy. 

"Your hair's faded." Tyler twirled a long strand of Josh's hair around his finger. 

"I know... Should I buy some hair dye? Red?" Josh's face looked out ahead of him, quizzically, like he was having a debate in his head.

"No.. Not red again. Pink! Go pink! It would look so cute." Tyler clapped his hands excitedly, picturing how wonderful Pink hair would look on Josh.

"Hmm.. Maybe. We'll see. Anyway, we need to get ready babe," Josh walked past Tyler, patting his ass on the way back into their room, "Bus call is at 8am and neither of us have showered or eaten." 

-

The bus was cramped, all of the band, crew and friends fitting into the small lounge area that had some leather seats and a mini-kitchen and bar area. Tyler stayed close to Josh, their hands brushing together frequently, bringing Tyler comfort. As much as he trusted and was comfortable with the people surrounding him, crowds still made him nervous, so did hanging around with people that weren't Josh. An unfamiliar face had joined them on the bus; he had the swagger of someone Tyler didn't even want to lock eyes with, let alone cross. His arms were more ink than skin and his milk chocolate hair so closely shaved at the sides that he could have been bald from a distance. 

"Hi, Richie." The man stuck his hand out to shake with Tyler, introducing himself. 

"Hi...I'm Tyler, Josh's friend." He put tactfully, biting his tongue to stifle the "boy" that did belong in front of the "friend".

"Lovely, nice to know he has home comforts on the road. I'm Walk The Moon's manager, tour sort of guy. Y'know. Keepin' 'em safe, hurrying them up, feeding them- That's me!" He puffed his chest out proudly, "This should be a pretty quick journey, the venue's only an hour or so away." 

Richie was right, the journey was quick, but pleasant. Most of the route twisted through the inner city and Tyler sat pressed up against one of the tinted windows, watching the daily life of Paris go by. The newly urbanised shopping areas were flooded by a sea of people heading in different directions. The higher class people strutted down the high street carrying their Gucci handbags and wearing their Armani coats. Whereas the lower class people sat down on the cold littered floor begging for money. They had no Gucci handbag to keep their belongings never mind a thick coat to see them through the blustery autumn. On every corner there were buskers, Tyler was dissappointed they couldn't stop and listen, he'd love to stand and just take in the sounds, the smells of food stalls selling fast-food galore and just pause. But they weren't here on holiday, he had to keep reminding himself he was lucky enough that Josh could bring him on tour. 

The venue the band was playing at was pretty large, stooping tiers lined the sides of the building with a vast open space cut off by a barricade covered the floor, ready for general admission to pour in. Tyler had never been to something like this before, let alone be a part of the behind-the-scenes process. He stayed out the way, trying to draw as little attention to himself as possible whilst everybody soundchecked. 

Tyler sat in a seat, low down in one of the side tiers to watch everybody practice, but of course his eyes were only set on Josh. Josh was sat on a platform, most of his lower half concealed by the stacks of drums and cymbals piled high around him. Tyler admired everything about him, from the way he was always chewing gum, his sharp jawline tensing and relaxing to the little creases in the corner of his eyes when he hit the drums with force. To him, Josh looked like some kind of Greek Adonis, toned and glowing. Watching him hit those drums with such force, such passion, his arm muscles bulging like they wanted to escape his inked skin.

"Who is it that you're looking at, hey. Better not be Nick!" Juliette sat herself down next to Tyler, nudging his arm jokingly. 

"N-No! I was just watching all of them. They're so talented!" Tyler stammered, anxiously scratching at the side of his head. 

"Who've you got your eye on Tyler, c'mon." Juliette tilted her head down at him, a knowing look on her face. 

"No really! Nobody. I've got a- got a.. girlfriend back home." He smiled, trying to be as convincing as he could, cringing inside at the fact he was lying to somebody he had only just met. 

"Lucky her! What does she think about you swanning off to the city of love with Mr. Dun! I'd be pissed!" Juliette laughed, squeezing Tyler's arm to reassure him she was kidding.

It did hit Tyler, soon everyone was going to become aware of his true relationship with Tyler. They were always sneaking off, always together, always hanging back from the group, sharing a one-bed room together. Neither of them had cover-up relationships and neither of them showed any interest in any other person other than one another. There was no way around it, their little secret was going to have to come out sooner or later.

Tyler turned to Juliette, she was just as pretty and friendly-looking as Vir. She was the kind of girl that other women loved to hate. She was tall and willowy, locks of rich brunette hair tumbling down her back, tucked behind her ears that were intricately pierced all the way up the side. She wore one of her boyfriend's oversized hoodies, black skinnies and some skater vans. She had a unique look, like she'd stepped out of an indie record shop that only few people knew of. It still boggled Tyler that Josh would pick him over these women, although they were taken, to Tyler, Josh didn't seem to have any interest in them whatsoever and it was confusing. They were beautiful, friendly, funny and personable. It was always something that would be a mystery to Tyler. 

"Juliette, I should probably tell you something." Tyler leaned forward into her, a whiff of her sweet perfume wafting into his nose.

"Go on!" She said, urging him to come forward. He was nervous, so nervous, but he decided one by one would be a good way for people to know. It would be a gradual thing. 

"I'm dating Josh. I just thought you should know. I literally just made up that girlfriend thing and I couldn't lie to you. I-" He babbled, trying to explain himself.

"Knew it! I knewwwwwww it!" She clapped her hands and wriggled about in the seat, "Cutest couple ever. I knew it, yes!"

Tyler blushed pink and smiled shyly. That was the first time hearing the words "couple", referring to him and Josh and the feeling was like no other. Like he had jumped off a building and he knew he'd be safe at the bottom. Like he could fly and eat all the ice cream in the world at the same time. It was amazing. Even more relieving for Tyler was the fact Juliette didn't care at all, she was happy by the news they were together. Tyler expected the same reaction as his family gave him when he came out. He expected to be hated and practically spat on, but he wasn't and it was refreshing. He felt free. 

-

The venue began filling up, the crowd a river of people, everyone moving in the same direction. There were only joyful faces as they headed towards the stage, trying to get as close to the barricade as possible - music to fill them full of adrenaline pumping happiness. They moved not like pebbles in a jar, but like water molecules flowing smoothly past one another, friends staying together with fingers entwined. Hair colours ranging from blue to bright yellow, black to luminous pink- It was all new to Tyler, back in Ohio he'd never seen anyone bold enough to dye their hair any other colour than the drab naturals. Other than Josh, that was. 

"God I'm so nervous!" Josh jumped from one foot to the other, patting his drumsticks quickly on a nearby surface. He was wearing a black muscle t-shirt, cut off just at the edge of his shoulders, tattoos and muscles visible. His new, red snapback placed backwards on his head tamed his messy curls and waves. The usual confident, friendly look in his eyes was gone and he looked just like a scared little boy. Tyler checked around to see if there was anybody lurking, before leaning in and lightly kissing Josh on the cheek, stubble scratching his soft lips.

"You're going to do fine. Better than fine! Amazing!" Tyler whispered into his ear, kissing him again and rubbing his shoulder. 

"I love you, little one." Josh whispered, Tyler's heard fluttering at the new nickname he'd been awarded. 

He watched Josh and the rest of Walk The Moon run onto stage, the crowd screaming and whistling as the men began playing the first song, the venue practically vibrating from the deep bass and beats. Tyler wasn't even aware. He was still wrapped up in the last thing Josh had said to him. It took him right back to the first time Josh ever said the words to him. Not even that long ago, sat in Josh's car by a cornfield on halloween at midnight. Starry sky, the still air and moonlight pouring in onto them. Josh blurted out the words, "I love you too Tyler, I do." It was unforgettable and any time he heard Josh say those words now, it would transport him back to that night. 

He stood with Cait and Juliette, both of the girls absorbed in the concert, shouting the words to the songs Tyler was sure he'd know by the end of tour. They were admiring their men, Nick singing his heart out at the front, Kevin twirling round the stage strumming out bass riffs- and there was Josh. Tyler's heart swelled with pride for him. There he was. Hammering the drums, sweat dripping down his face, his shirt ripped off from the heat of the room revealing his sweat-glistening chest. He was so talented, it looked effortless, like he could do it with his eyes closed or in his sleep. Tyler was infatuated. 

"You're so in love with him." Cait said loudly over the music and Tyler didn't even care that yet another person had realised. He just pressed his lips together, his eyes brimming with happy tears and nodded. He really was. He didn't care who knew. That was his boyfriend out there. His beautiful boyfriend who cared for him, looked after him when nobody else would, who loved him. 

 

The show came to a close, everybody in pumped, positive moods. Cheers and high fives were being thrown around in the stuffy backstage corridor, but all Tyler could see was Josh. His eyes were filled with lust and passion and his body glistened with a glossy sheen.

"Quickly. In here." He pulled Tyler backwards, away from everybody, into a small side dressing room that was filled with nothing but a counter top and a tiny two seater couch. 

Josh was  _throbbing_. Already.

 

"It has to be quick. As usual." Josh growled, yanking Tyler's jeans down with haste.

"Do anything you want to me..." Tyler whispered. His was face burning a bright red from the heat of the room, and the touch of Josh's rough hands. 

The pair locked eyes, both of them filled with lust and sexual tension. And then the tension snapped.

“Turn around. Keep your arms behind your back. Be good, and I will fuck you like you want me to.” Josh hissed.

 

 

"Fuck," Tyler breathed, in disbelief that this was happening, Josh had literally just stepped off stage.

As Josh kept moving the sweat was a welcome addition, cooling and helping him to feel like he'd worked hard. He looked so good like that. Tyler was bent over the couch, just waiting for the hot touch of Josh to come over him. He was quivering and shaking, waiting. 

 

Josh smacked his ass, hard. Tyler gasped, hips twitching forward and within seconds, Josh pushed into him with one jab of his hips. Tyler opened his mouth and closed his eyes in ecstasy, no one else has bucked back onto Josh, fucking themselves on his cock and moaning for it like they couldn't get enough of it, he felt good that he was the first.

Josh pulled out and pushed Tyler on his back. Tyler squirmed under him, uncomfortable at how much Josh was teasing him, but he took it with an eager smile. Tyler pushed back into him with one smooth thrust, his cock going in and out of Tyler's willing body, and then he wrapped a hand loosely around his neck.

“Oh God, yes, yes, yes, please...!” Tyler threw his head back.

 

“No one is ever going to fuck you like I do,” Josh hissed, and Tyler was gone. Followed shortly by Josh who grunted as quietly as he could, watching Tyler squirm away from underneath him.

"Jesus christ, Tyler." He breathed heavily, cleaning himself up and hastily pulling fresh clothes on from the rack next to him. 

"Honestly, hurry UP in there! Bus is literally leaving, Josh!" Kevin's voice called impatiently from outside and the two shot each other a worried luck. They just prayed that nobody heard the moans coming from the small room, hoping the noises of the set-up being put away covered them. 

"Sorry!" Josh swung the door open, following Kevin down the hallway to the back entrance and Tyler scurried behind them, wiping any remaining sweat from his forehead hastily. 

Stepping out to the parking lot, Tyler was met with a cold gust of wind. The night was blustery and chilly, luring heat from tired muscles until they could rest no more. Above was the beauty of the stars, the clear night allowing the foggy mist of the day to leave unhindered. The only notion of brightness came from a full moon, and even her light was a chilled silver beam. Tyler smiled to himself as he walked next to Josh in the pretty light of the night. Satisfied with their quicky in the dressing room and now brought back to the reality that they were in the beautiful Paris and were together. He was truly happy.

"Are you kidding? The fucking queer is here. Out of all the places! Can you believe!" A low, angered voice shouted from across the parking lot.

Tyler looked up, his eyes widening in horror as stood opposite the buses, was Zack, his older brother and his girlfriend. 

 

 

 

 


	15. He's a Monster.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hoyyyyy so i updated. thanks for all the lovely amazing feedback on the last chapter and understanding why i wont be updating as much!!!!! <3 lotsa love  
> (p.s how would u feel about this being part of a series? like me ending this fic soon and writing another volume of this fic with new storyline?? it would still be these characters and it would basically be a continuation of this fic but just a fresh start so it's not just one long fic? lemme know!)

The scene was quite unbelievable, shocking really. Tyler's mind was sent reeling, unable to comprehend or process the images it was being sent his eyes. He looked away, then looked back to see if it was still there. It was. Zack was really there, his face scrunched in utter disgust, his girlfriend Tatum holding him back desperately.

"Fucking little gay boy! How is it I travel all the way to Paris for my anniversary- Fucking Paris Tyler! And you're here? Probably fucking all these guys around you aren't you?! A groupie to the guys in the band, fucking them all aren't you!" Zack came closer and closer to Tyler, his fists scrunched up, his face red with anguish. 

"Zack! Stop it! Go away. I don't want anything to do with you." Tyler yelled at him, cowering away into Josh's shadow. 

"Who's this? Your boyfriend?" He sniggered pointing to Josh, "What's he gonna do? Beat me up? Protect his little slut of a boyfriend!" 

That was enough for Josh and the shadow Tyler was hiding in had moved. Tyler didn't know who threw the first punch, but suddenly Josh's fist was slamming into Zack's smug face while his sunk into Josh's stomach. Blood pooled in Zack's mouth as Josh jumped backwards, both of them stumbling apart for a brief second to catch their breaths before diving back at each other, eyes narrowed in determination. Josh dodged Zack's fist and came up with his own; for a brief instant, Zack's face fell and looked utterly defenceless as Josh's fist slammed into his cheekbone once again. 

"Is that all you got?" He crowed, smirking infuriatingly at Josh. Tyler watched as Josh growled and attempted to throw himself at Zack, but being pulled back by a security guard from the team. 

"Don't you fucking come near him! He's supposed to be your fucking brother you monster! Look at him!" Josh shouted, angrily pointing over to Tyler who was shivering, crying and coughing next to the tour bus with Vir and Juliette, who looked absolutely mortified.

The security pulled Josh away, yanking him up the stairs of the tour bus out of sight from Tyler. Tyler just stood; frozen, in shock, his eyes wide, Cait and Juliette huddling him, but he just felt completely numb. His chest ached, preparing for the tears to come. And they did come. He cried as if his brain was being shredded from the inside. Emotional pain flowed out of his every pore. From his mouth came a cry from so raw that even the eyes of the team around them were suddenly wet with tears. Cait and Juliette were trying desperately to calm Tyler down, his trembling body shaking uncontrollably for the first time since the time with Josh outside the therapist's office. He didn't want Cait and Juliette, as wonderful as they were, he wanted Josh's strong arms around him to make him feel safe, but alas Josh was inside the bus, bruised and battered. 

When Josh first came into Tyler's view, he was devastated. Heartbroken. Josh caught sight of Tyler's sodden face and jumped up, walking like a scarecrow more than a man and all lop-sided at that. As Josh neared, Tyler's heart fell right through his shoes, Josh was more purple than pale pink. His left eye was swollen, he couldn't be seeing a thing out of that and he won't for a while after. His face still bared congealed blood and his clothes were an utter mess. Then he tried to say Tyler's name, his cracked lips failing at the first syllable, but he didn't need to, Tyler was already lunging towards him across the lounge. 

"Josh, please. Are you okay, come here-" Tyler fussed, flailing his hands around Josh trying to check there were no major injuries that needed instant medical attention.

"Tyler, I'm fine. I can't believe him. He's a monster. An absolute fucking monster!" Josh slammed his fist on the table, Kevin and Eli clearing out of the lounge looking slightly scared and apprehensive. 

"Please calm down, Josh, I mean-" Tyler began to put the blame on himself, as always, but Josh stepped in, grabbing Tyler's hand tightly.

"Don't you dare. Don't you dare start to justify what he did. Don't, Tyler. I'm fine. The eye will heal in a few days and I just need to clean up, get this dick's blood off of me. Stay here." Josh stood up, squeezing Tyler's hand before leaving to the small toilet through the next door. 

Tyler was left alone with his thoughts in the empty lounge, everybody else had cleared off to their respective bunks and buses. A pang of utter sadness hit him in the chest, a lump forming thickly in his throat. His face was dry now, the dry salty tear stains remaining on his cheeks. He felt the kind of sadness that seeps into your bones rather than explodes in a cascade of tears like before. He was sad for all the fun times he and Zack had shared growing up; the basketball games, the early morning waffle making, the sleepovers, the parties. Gone. He was sad that he had felt too grown-up to get a hug last time they were friends. He wished he didn't feel this way. He was so angry at Zack. Disgusted was more the word, but he couldn't help it. So many years of close friendship gone down the drain. 

"Stop thinking about him." Josh's soft voice came from behind, his face and hands looking a little more cleaned up from the soapy water. He had changed, his hair was tucked under a grey, speckled beanie and he had on some sweats with a large black hoodie. He looked gentle, so far from the person outside ten minutes ago who was swearing, spitting and throwing punches. He tucked himself in next to Tyler on the leather couch that faced out to the road. 

"I love you, Josh. Thank you." Tyler whispered into Josh's warm neck. 

"I love you too, Ty, so much. You don't understand, I'd take a bullet for you, I would have killed him for you!" Josh raised his voice a little, anger in the back of his throat. Tyler recognised him getting heated again and kissed his neck softly, switching the main lounge light off, leaving the lone candle on the kitchen surface flickering a warm yellow. 

The bus was trundling along the highway at a steady speed through the inky blackness of the night, the noise of the other cars passing creating a low whirring sound to break any silence. It was peaceful, like the calm after the storm. Flashes of streetlights came through the window along with the constant glow of the moon. Tyler was lying on his back, his head on Josh's chest with their hands intertwined across Tyler's stomach. In his embrace the world stopped still on its axis. There was no time, no wind, no rain. Tyler's mind was at peace despite everything that had happened. Nobody had ever looked after him this way before. Fought for him, stood up for him. It felt safe and wonderful. Tyler felt his body press into Josh's, soft and warm. This was the love he'd waited for, prayed for. He inwardly thanked God and hugged all the tighter. A love like this was to be cherished for life. Finally, he was home.

-

Tyler woke from a restless sleep due to the bumpy roads to glimpse at the glowing and radiant sun peaking above the horizon out of the window. It extended its vivid light across the orange sky. Its dazzling and inviting rays flowed through the window providing warmth to his body. Slowly the fatigue of the long journey was seeping out of him as the welcoming rays trickled in to replacing his unrest - it relaxed his body. Eventually he rubbed his eyes and sat up against Josh, smiling fondly at the sleepy boy, his lips parted as they always are, a little low groan coming out now and again. 

"Finally you're awake, Jesus!" A quiet voice whispered exasperatedly from across the bus lounge, it was Kevin. Tyler's heart jumped, unaware that Kevin knew about him and Josh, and here they were, cuddled up together sleeping in the lounge. A stupid idea really but it just... Happened.

"Fuck- Oh- We just-" Tyler stuttered, scooting down the leather seat away from Josh. 

"Don't be dumb! I know. I've known since start of tour, Josh told me. I just- I noticed neither of you were in your bunks and thought I ought to wake you before anybody else walked in to find you spooning, right?" Kevin laughed quietly, his pretty eyes sparkling. 

Tyler stopped a minute to admire Kevin, not something he often did since he had Josh to stare at, but as a gay guy, he couldn't help but appreciate the beauty of this man. He was broad like Josh, probably from all the running around on stage and bass playing. His hair was closely shaven at the sides with a very curly, floppy, deep brunette mop on top. He had a jawline that could slice open a person, dusted in a light stubble down his neck and to his tanned body. 

"Just because he's sleeping, Mr. Joseph, doesn't mean you can stare at my wonderful self." Kevin tilted his head and tutted at Tyler sarcastically. 

"No! No I wasn't I-" Tyler jumped from his seat defensively, his eyes full of fear. 

"Chill! You've gone and woken sleeping beauty here," Kevin spooned some soggy cereal into his mouth, milk dribbling out his mouth, "I was kidding." 

Josh's body twitched and lifted from it's slump against the seat, "Uhhhhhggg,” He scoffed, sitting up and wincing as the sunlight hissed at his face. His dishevelled, bright red curls were tumbled over his head, the beanie long gone behind the chair. 

"Morning!" Kevin stood up, shaking Josh's shoulder, before making his way back to his bunk, leaving Tyler and Josh alone once again. 

"Jesus, I'm so tired. Are we in Spain now?" Josh asked, stretching his arms and flexing his muscles behind his head. 

"Yeah, about that, I want to talk." Tyler scratched the back of his head, a sheepish and sorry look wiping across his face.

"Go on..." Josh sighed wearily, fiddling with his nose ring to get it back into place. 

"I want to go home, Josh. Really. Paris was beautiful, lovely. That night, the alleyway, the waffles- all lovely. But I can't do this for another two weeks. I'm so tired, mentally and physically. I want to go back to Mark's until you get home. It isn't your fault, I just think it's best." Tyler said apologetically, watching Josh's face fall and instantly feeling terrible.

The soft laugh-lines on Josh's face disappeared and his face looked like it was dragged down by a massive weight. His broad shoulders had become slumped and his eyes looked glassy. He bit the inside of his cheek and squinted his eyes, as if he was just trying to process what Tyler had said. Tyler expected a wave of questions about why he was going, where he was going and a bunch of persuasion to stay, but he got none of that. Instead Josh smiled weakly and pulled him in, under his chin and sighed. 

"Okay little one. We're going round the airport way today anyway, Cait is going home too luckily enough. You'll be able to fly with her if we book you a flight right now. Are you going to go back to Mark? Or back to my house?" Josh got his phone out his pocket, keeping one hand around Tyler's small frame and the other typing furiously to find Tyler a flight home. 

"Back to Mark's. All my stuff is at Mark's and I also can't cook anything other than pasta." Tyler's tongue poked out as he smiled a goofy grin. 

"Good point, but Tyler, are you going to, y'know, stay at mine full-time soon?" Josh edged around the words "move in", and Tyler's stomach flipped. 

The idea of moving in with Josh was a dream. Days waking up in a comfortable bed snuggled up into Josh's warm, freckled, pale chest whilst the sun rose outside, Josh's cats curled up at the bottom of the mattress. Breakfast together, waffles and kids cereal, sitting outside on summery days to eat by the river, spending rainy days tucked up under blankets binge-watching TV shows whilst spooning. Not to mention free reign of the house all the time. All the time in the world to get pinned down on every surface in the house by Josh and kissed passionately and dominated like he enjoyed. 

"Yes. As soon as you're back. I'll get on it with Mark, packing my piano and clothes. Okay." Tyler's eyes had lit up by now and Josh's face had lifted. Tyler knew Josh couldn't be angry. He was getting a good amount of money for this tour and he got to travel around some beautiful cities. It was a shame Tyler couldn't stay, couldn't see the sights of Spain, Berlin, Amsterdam etc, but the thought of another day with strangers, in an unfamiliar place made Tyler cringe inside. He loved Josh, but he wanted on that plane. 

-

Barcelona airport was a lot busier than Paris, weirdly enough. Tyler knew claustrophobia well, and in that almighty swell of humanity he felt the familiar panic rise in his chest. When they moved he had to also and if his feet failed to keep up, he risked being trampled underfoot. Even in the bitter November cold he felt the warmth of all those bodies pressing in. People were gaunt and serious, there was so much noise coming from all over the vast building. There was nothing for it but to move with the crowd. He could smell them too, the people, an unholy agglomeration of perfumes, body odour and over-applied cologne. He wanted nothing more than to just sit on the plane and sleep. He wanted out. His chest was rising and falling quicker and quicker and his hands became clammy- all the signs of a panic attack were rising. 

"Hang on, Cait!" Josh shouted ahead as she was about to walk up the stairs to customs. 

"I love you. I love you! I love you! I'm here!" Josh whispered in Tyler's ear, pulling him to the side and engulfing him in the tightest hug, pressing his big hands on the back of Tyler's head, "You can do this!"

"I love you. I'll see you soon. I'll be at the airport waiting. I love you," Tyler's eyes brimmed a little, devastated at the thought of a little over a week without this beautiful boy. 

"Cait will look after you, Ty! Look, she's even got you one of those chocolate things from Starbucks. I love you, see you soon. Text me when you land. Or whenever you need." Josh kissed his forehead lightly and quickly before turning around before he started to bawl. 

"Miss you already." Tyler whispered under his breath, before following Cait timidly up the stairs. 

 

 

 

 


	16. Don't Say Sorry, Please.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> chapter songs:  
> Red - Daniel Merriweather  
> Everytime - Britney Spears  
> You Found Me - The Fray

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hii i am sorry for the not-so-frequent updates but hey i feel kinda better and not as pressured to update every single day. 
> 
> this chapter has possible trigger warnings:  
> suicidal thoughts  
> panic attack  
> anxiety  
> medication.  
> (these will probably run through the foreseeable chapters)

The two weeks was finally, to Tyler's delight, coming to an end. 

The past fourteen days had been nothing but dark for him. Every night without Josh, the nightmares came. The replay of the night where he told his family and was thrown out of the house. The noise of his beloved keyboard being smashed to threads, the growl of his dad's anger. Sleepless nights full of shaking and crying and staring out his window. He would sit on the window sill and look out onto the street below, remembering the times he'd wait for Josh to arrive, trying to distract himself from the thoughts that were creeping into his head. It wasn't that he wanted to die- he had Josh coming home for him, he had Josh now. He didn't feel like that anymore. It was just the fact he was so alone. Alone with his thoughts. 

He would lie as if he was asleep until his side was painful and he had to shift to his back or other side. The long minutes would drag into even longer hours but Tyler refused to look at the clock. To see that it was still before midnight or just two a.m. would be enough to send his heart racing and undo the calming effect of being so restful. The relaxing music he'd put on at bedtime finished long ago, and though he remained willfully blind, he knew it was always closer to the dawn than he would like. When the daylight would shine on his shuttered lids and the birds filled the air with their own music, Tyler would throw back the covers and descend to the kitchen to brew a strong coffee. Then he'd make Mark snag another at the coffee shop on the way back from work. Perhaps Mark was right, perhaps it was time to see the doctor. Not today though, Josh was home today. 

The water poured down, it dripped by Tyler's side, as his mind faded into dullness and everything was a foggy illusion. The sensation of the steamy water calmed him; it took his mind off things. All the things he knew he should care about, but just didn't. It was the water. His mind swirled, and it was like he was standing under an everlasting hot waterfall. The shower had become Tyler's calm place, he'd spend around an hour or more in there every morning or evening. He'd waste all the hot water just standing there staring at the wall. Mark didn't confront him, not even once, because any slight negative comment made Tyler break. He was like a thin pane of fragile ice. 

"Morning.." Tyler mumbled to mark quietly, opening the fridge to grab the fresh orange juice. 

"Josh's home today!" Mark smiled as sympathetically as he could, patting Tyler on the back. 

Tyler wished he could be as excited as he would've liked for Josh's returned, but he was nervous. He hadn't had much contact with Josh due to the terrible cost of texting and calling from abroad, he'd just received the odd text about Josh's whereabouts, but nothing else. Josh wasn't aware that Tyler had fallen back into such a bad place. Josh wasn't aware Tyler had been taken into the emergency A&E clinic at 3am last Wednesday because he'd passed out from taking too many pain-relief pills in hope to black out his panic attack. Josh wasn't aware Tyler had to stay hospital for two days. The bleak, clinical walls surrounding him and making him go insane. Josh didn't know any of this, he was out on a tour, loving life with his friends and Tyler didn't want Josh to come home to this. He didn't want to burden Josh. He didn't want Josh to have to deal with him, he felt like the biggest burden in the world. 

"I know. I can't wait to see him." Tyler lied, the room falling to an awkward silence.

Silence gnawed at his insides. Silence hung in the air like the suspended moment before a falling glass shatters on the ground. The silence was like a gaping void, needing to be filled with sounds, words, anything. The silence was poisonous in it's nothingness, cruelly underscoring how awkward their conversation had become. The silence was eerily unnatural, like a dawn devoid of birdsong. Silence clung to them like a poisonous cloud that at any moment could choke the life from them. Silence seeped into their every pore, like a poison slowly paralysing them from either speech or movement.

 A tear that had gradually built in Tyler's left eye dropped out and raced down his cheek.

"Tyler? What's wrong?" Mark tilted his head, trying to see Tyler's face from it's place between his hands. 

 "I can't do it anymore Mark. I'm a burden to you all. All of you would be better off without me." Tyler sobbed, biting his bottom lip harshly as more tears escaped down his face.

 "Don't be stupid. Please, Tyler. You're booked in for your old therapist next week. Josh is home in less than two hours. He must be bursting to tell you all about his trip and hear how you've been-" Mark tried desperately to console Tyler, but it didn't work.

 "That's the problem Mark! He's having the time of his life doing what he loves! He doesn't want to come home to me! Me having panic attacks and nightmares, me scratching at my wrists and hands whenever somebody approaches! Me, dragging him down! He doesn't need me Mark!" Tyler's voice was chaotic, his arms flailing and slapping down on the kitchen surface, tears now cascading down his already sodden cheeks. 

 The thoughts were accelerating inside Tyler's head. He wanted them to slow so he could breathe but they wouldn't. His breaths came in gasps and he felt like he would black out. His heart was hammering inside his chest like it belonged to a rabbit running for its skin. The room spun and he squatted on the floor, trying to make everything slow to something his brain and body could cope with. He felt so sick. He wanted to call Josh, no. He wanted to BE with Josh. He wanted Josh to grip him tightly in his arms and tell him to breathe, but he was in the air. On a plane. Next thing and Tyler was on the floor in a ball- the foetal position. Where is Josh, what's his own name, why was he here, let him go, the room was spinning...blackness.

 -

 Tyler woke, his head practically thumping from a brain-weakening migraine. Mark had moved him to the couch, laying on his back with a blanket over his shivering cold body. His face was dry and slightly crisp from the dried tears and his mouth was sore and chapped. How many of these episodes was he going to have before he didn't wake. They were pointless otherwise. That's what Tyler thought anyway. 

 "I'm going to get Josh, Tyler. His flight lands soon. He'll be waiting by the time I get to the airport. You don't have to come-" Mark picked up a bag full of snacks and swung it over his shoulder.

 "I'm coming." Tyler scoffed, standing up and gathering his bearings. 

 

 The car journey was silent again. Tyler spent it staring out his window, his eyes brimming and drying repeatedly. The sun sank lower in the sky, light of day draining away, giving way to the velvety dark of night, crickets chirping, dusky, colors subdued in the fading light, first buzz of mosquitoes, street lights click on, day winding down, first star in the night sky, air became cooler, evening landscape, twilight had fallen, the sharp shadow of the lamppost had faded into the dark of the sidewalk, fading light, only the faintest of light shone through the leaves, soon it grew dark, darkening sky, a close silence in the dim evening light. 

The airport car park was busy and Mark brashly asked Tyler to run over to the departures exit to find Josh. Tyler didn't want to even be in the car, let alone walk across a bustling car park to find Josh in a sea of quickly moving bodies. But he did. He did it for Josh. He gripped Josh's zip-up hoodie tight to his chest, the winter air hitting him sharply. He kept his head down and walked as quickly as his skinny legs would carry him across that car park. Which wasn't entirely the fastest walk in the world, but it felt like it to Tyler. 

"Ty! Tyler!" Josh exclaimed, clutching his bags and quickly pacing over the road to Tyler, who had wiped a fake smile across his face.

"Tyler! I missed you!" Josh pulled Tyler in for a tight squeeze and Tyler felt the warmest he had felt in the past two weeks. Warmer than he was when he stood underneath the stream of boiling water in the shower. Warmer than he felt wrapped up in his thick blankets in bed. He felt warmer here, in a cold car park, in a thin hoodie, in Josh's arms.

"I missed you so much." Tyler breathed against Josh's chest, a lump forming in his throat.

 Josh smiled into Tyler's fluffy, slightly damp, hair, "C'mon. Mark's in the car." 

 -

 The car journey home was relatively silent as well, except for Josh talking about all the wonderful sights and things he saw in Europe. Even when they got home, he continued blabbering to Mark in the kitchen. He spoke about the beaches in Spain, the sex shops in Amsterdam, the landmarks in London and the crowds every night at the shows. He talked about how much his drumming had improved and bragged to Mark that the SJC drumming company had offered him a free drumkit. Everything was on the up for Josh and Tyler felt nothing but guilt and selfishness that he was going to be the one to drag him down after what seemed like a dream fourteen days. 

"Crashing here for the night?" Tyler poked his head around his bedroom door as Josh passed. 

"Y-Yeah I am. You gonna join me, or are you staying in there?" He smiled, pulling his beanie off his head revealing his mane of hair.

 "Pink!" Tyler's sad face had turned into a beaming one, his eyes lighting up and teeth grinning at his boyfriend's striking locks.

"Yup. I listened!" Josh began, signalling for Tyler to follow him into the spare room, "It's pretty bright, so hopefully it'll fade, but I like it! Your choice!" 

 "It looks good." Tyler stifled what was a huge grin into a small smile. 

He watched Josh undress, his mouth gaped openly as he observed the his tattoo that he ever so missed. It was painted in the most florescent colours, it represented him perfectly. On either side of his straight nose were his all too familiar, blazing, hazel eyes. Spiked, warm brown fringed with smooth green. His dark brows were actually graceful, but currently furrowed in a frown, trying to pull his jeans down. His beautiful face was framed by his freshly-dyed cherry pink curls. His exquisitely carved, muscled back was bare. He couldn't see his chest. He wished he could. He'd missed seeing Josh, Josh was like his only home now. Even though Josh wasn't a building, to Tyler he sure felt like one. He let out a shaky sigh.

"C'mere." Josh breathed heavily, quickly manoeuvring himself on top of Tyler, pinning Tyler's arms down, planting hot kisses up his neck.

Tyler's body immediately stiffened and he wriggled out of Josh's grip, "No. No, Josh I can't."

"Wh- Why? Are you okay? Tyler what's happened?" Josh's lustful eyes quickly vanished and turned into concerned ones, his brows knitting furiously over them.

 Tyler opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. It was like his throat was blocking all of the words he wanted to say. Tears began pouring from his eyes away from his cheeks. He lifted his hand to wipe them away feeling sheepish, but as soon as he had cleared her tears away, a fresh torrent bust forth. His small, fragile body was racked with great sobs and he shook like a leaf. Josh pulled him into his chest as tight as he possibly could, but Tyler still couldn't stop. The tears had created an even bigger barrier for his words to try and overcome. 

 "I'm here." Josh rocked him back and forth slowly, rhythmically on the bed. 

 "I'm-" Tyler tried to speak, but Josh shushed him, holding him even tighter.

 "You don't need to say anything. I can talk to Mark tomorrow. Let's get into bed." Josh whispered, pressing a kiss against Tyler's forehead gently.

 Tyler sat on the bed weeping as he watched Josh fix up the room. Drawing the curtains, turning the TV on for a low murmur of sound, tidying away his clothes, plumping the pillows and turning the bright lights off. He picked Tyler up with ease and tucked him under the crinkly duvet covers. Tyler's wails had turned into slightly more controlled sobs and he curled up against Josh's soft, warm body that was lying next to him. 

 "I'm so sorry, Josh." Tyler sniffed, tears still brimming in his eyes. 

 "Don't say sorry. Please." Josh stroked Tyler's hair that was against his bare chest. 

 The TV was on a low volume, 2 or 3 and Josh was watching Friends. Tyler's eyes would flicker closed and open dozily, the blue and orange static lights from the screen blared around the blandly painted room every so often when the scene changed. A few low chuckles came from Josh, his chest rising and falling as he breathed slowly and sleepily, continuing to stroke Tyler's hair and forehead soothingly, every so often rubbing his thumb down the side of Tyler's tear stained cheek. 

 "You don't know how lovely you are." Josh softly whispered into Tyler's hair as he sunk down in the bed next to him. 

 

 

 

 

 


	17. House is Christened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> smut warning! lotta smut! hella yeah! (p.s thank u to my friend Taylor who wrote most of the smut since im a baby who cant do it)

Cardboard boxes scrawled on in black broad felt-tip marker, bare walls devoid of the usual smiling framed faces, dirt and dust shapes on the floor like templates of the furniture that once stood there, white parcel labels stuck on black garbage bags of clothes, as each thing from Tyler's room was packed, the four walls began looking more of a house again, than a home.

Tyler was excited to move into Josh's house, he didn't want anyone to think he wasn't- he'd get to be with Josh all the time, he'd finally have a home that was his instead of a bare room Mark was basically renting him for free, but he was so nervous that Josh was going to get sick of him and give up. Like everyone else. But Josh seemed so different. Josh wanted to be let in and Tyler saw the look in Josh's eyes, that he was hurting him, that Josh actually wanted to hear everything Tyler held in his heart. Nobody had gotten as far as Josh. Nobody had ever seen the darkest parts of Tyler and still wanted to stay. 

"I love you," Tyler smiled a little up at Josh who was standing tall next to him; a baggy, off-white t-shirt tucked into a plaid shirt that was wrapped around his hips, his signature ripped jeans and some black vans. 

"I love you too, what made you say that?" Josh wiggled his eyebrows, wrapping his forearm around Tyler's shoulders. Even his arm was a wonder to Tyler. Streaked withblue veins that sat comfortably on hisstrawberry milk skin and beauty spots that were delicately speckled all over the place. 

"I'm just looking forward to this, kinda, new start." Tyler nuzzled his head into the crook of Josh's shoulder, but Josh decided to ignore that and swooped Tyler off the floor, bridal style. 

"Me too. Let's get going then?" He kissed Tyler lightly, stray bits of his hair tickling Tyler's forehead. 

Josh swungTyler up in his strong arms as ifhe was nothing more than a rag doll, kicking the bedroom door open forcefully, since his arms were full. Tyler felt safe, in Josh's arms. Not that he hadn't already realised that, but he was just reminded of it every single time he was enveloped in them. There was nothing to be protected from, but Tyler felt like if there were to be, he had the strongest security system in the world surrounding him. 

Josh's car was parked out front with the trunk hitched open and the back seats down, ready to store the stuff Tyler had to bring with him. It was kind of pathetic really, how little Tyler had. Most people when they're moving out have heaps; clothes, memories, musical instruments, documents, pictures. But not Tyler, that was all long gone. All he had was an overnight bag full of similar clothes, and the keyboard Mark let him have. He didn't need the furniture from his room, but Mark was insistent on selling it, claiming it "left the memory of Tyler's past", which Tyler supposed was true, but kind of sad.

The night's he'd spent on that bed, crying into those bed covers, sleepless nights sprawled on the mattress, clothes tucked away in the chest of drawers, self-depreciating letters written at the desk in the corner, midnight swivels on the spinning chair when he couldn't think and wanted the world to go blurry. It all left Tyler's stamp, and Mark wanted it gone, as though Tyler had died and he wanted no reminder. 

"Mark, we're going!" Josh called from the hallway and Tyler followed behind him.

"Wow. It's like my kid is going away to college!" Mark laughed, "I'll miss hearing you make your cereal at 2am and having your hour long showers, Ty. But you're gonna be so much happier with Josh. You just always got to come visit me, like a grandma, y'know!" 

Tyler smiled weakly, a bitter-sweet lump forming in the back of his throat, "I'll miss you too, Mark. Thank you for everything, I'd probably be dead right now if it wasn't for you." 

"C'mon, enough soppy stuff, we're literally twenty minutes away and guaranteed we'll see each other regularly. Alright! Me and Ty have decorating shopping to do!" Josh rubbed Tyler's back soothingly.

"Bye, Mark!" Tyler curled his bottom lip like a sad puppy as the door shut behind him and he was left just in Josh's company again.

-

Tyler carried his overnight bag over his shoulder, the heavy strap pulling his white t-shirt down exposing his golden collarbone. His tan was slightly fading from summer now, the bitter frost of winter making his caramel edge turn into an almost pale complexion, like Josh's was all year round. He was looking forward to Christmas now. Very much so. It would be his first with Josh and they'd planned it all on a drive one afternoon. It was just going to be them, maybe a little visit from Mark, but just the two of them would have a delicious dinner together that Josh volunteered to cook. They were going to exchange gifts by the fire in their pyjamas, to most people it sounded cringey, but this is what they wanted. They wanted to start their own tradition, presents by the fire, chocolate for breakfast, a simple meal and Christmas films all evening. All peaceful and perfect, was how it was going to be, Tyler prayed.

The house was just as Tyler recalled, astoundingly beautiful, elegant and simplistic. It was funny though, to Tyler, how the front room gave this sense of bachelorhood. Although is was the furthest thing from Josh's sweet, caring personality. The mantle was where he put his keys and garage door opener. On the coffee table was a wrench set and a new set of wheels for his skateboard. Under the small coffee table was a pack of beer, Tyler rolled his eyes. Josh wasn't hopeless, in fact he was very capable of looking after himself but he couldn't even put his beer in the fridge. He had modern looking prints on the wall and a small photo of his folks on a side table. Josh turned, smiling shyly, a look that made Tyler's heart flutter. Tyler couldn't help but smile back. 

"This is ours now." Josh gave Tyler a sudden, tight hug. 

Tyler craned his neck to meet Josh's blush pink lips and pressed a small kiss onto them, but was met with something more forceful. Josh yanked Tyler's body around to face his and deepened the kiss. Tongues mingling together harshly, heat rising in between the two of them. Tyler's mind was racing, rushing back to the night on halloween where they fucked in Josh's room, quickly and hastily, ending in an argument, but this time it could be perfect. This could be the perfect time.

"Want to take this upstairs," Tyler heard Josh's husky voice against his neck, his teeth nibbling on his earlobe as well, sucking and pulling as his hips rolled into Tyler's.

"Yes, definitely." Tyler could barely utter the words.

 

Josh walked with haste up the stairs, his long legs skipping multiple stairs to reach the top quicker. Tyler scuttled behind him, his shorter legs trying desperately to keep up, before Josh picks him up and pinned him against the door, just like he had previously. His eyes found the tent in Tyler's pants and he chuckled.

"Always hard for me, aren't you baby boy." He undid Tyler's jeans and before Tyler could mutter a breathy response, his pants are around his shaky ankles.

"You must have one lucky boyfriend," Josh's grin was laced with lust, "Your cock is perfect," Josh licked up Tyler's faint snail trail, goosebumps emerging all over Tyler's body.

"I n-need--" Tyler's shaky breathing hitched, "Please- Can you please--"

Josh smirked and proceeded to lick a stripe up Tyler's dick, from base to tip and then looked up at him with eyelashes batting, "Can I please what?" He delicately and teasingly slid his tongue over the head.

"S-Suck it?" Tyler's voice quivered and sounded like a question, his brain whirring with how unfamiliar this dirty-talk was to him.

"C'mon, baby boy." Josh raised his eyebrows and bit his bottom lip, Tyler's hips tightening. "Tell me what you want."

"Suck me off." Tyler tried to sound as commanding as he could, but nevertheless all that came out was a pitchy, shy voice. But that was enough for Josh. He knew Tyler's limits.

"That's what I wanted." Josh nodded slowly, his grin was dangerously lustful. Tyler knew it all too well, because the way Josh's lips were stretched around his cock felt illegal. It felt weird and so fucking hot. Weird because it was usually Tyler giving Josh this pleasure. It was odd having it from Josh, but good. So fucking good. 

"Oh, oh, fuck!" Tyler's wet tongue stuck out his mouth, "Oh, Josh, D-Deeper." He whined.

When the tip of his dick hit the back of Josh's throat, he almost died right there and then, shaking uncontrollably, breath hitching every time he felt the warmth of Josh's saliva against him. Josh inched off with a lip-smack, but instantly returned his mouth again, sucking at Tyler's cock like he'd craved it for years and finally got it. Tyler trembled as Josh placed his strong hands on each of his thighs, his fingers pressing down, leaving small white marks amongst the already-pale skin.

"Josh! I'm gonna-" Immense heat tingled through Tyler's lower stomach and hips, "Josh, I'm!" Josh flickered open his eyes lazily, to meet Tyler's wide-eyed stare. Tyler couldn't hold it anymore, he came, hot and wet, into Josh's mouth.

"Holy-" Tyler stammered, pressing the back of his hands to his practically burning cheeks. 

"Josh, please." Tyler was a wriggling mess, pre-cum dripping from the throbbing tip of his cock and onto his stomach.

Josh hissed at the view, moving down and whispering, "Turn over." 

Pushing apart Tyler's thick thighs once again, Josh began lubing up as much as he could before clambering onto the bed to join Tyler, staring down at him. Tyler's cock was already half-hard again as he threw his head back in ecstasy, watching Josh smirking before slowly pushing in his tip. Tyler let out a small whimper, and Josh continued to push in until his muscular body was pressed on top of Tyler's.

"Oh my god, that feels so good, Josh-" Tyler's small nails dug into Josh's back, scratching down as Josh began to thrust with more force.

"Holy shit, you're so tight baby," Josh moaned out, dipping his head down to kiss along Tyler's stubbled jaw.

Tyler let out a line of moans and whines that sounded like they came from a generic porno, his hips jolting up each time Josh pushed back in. They were both a mess; Josh's back tingling from Tyler's scratches, Tyler physically unable to control the noises coming out of his mouth, with his cock aching every time Josh's caramel eyes made that lust-filled contact.

"Ride me." Josh growled as he pulled away, dragging Tyler back towards him, Tyler watching as Josh laid his head against the soft, cushioned headboard, hissing at the feeling of Tyler's tightness around his aching cock.

Tyler was ready. He just wanted to cum so bad. He started bouncing on Josh's dick, the sound of his peachy ass slapping Josh's toned thighs filling the room.

"Holy fuck, baby, so fucking hot, so fucking good for me." Josh growled, praising him with every word, his fingers pressing harshly into Tyler's ass as he helped pick him up and drop him back down. Josh moved his hand down to Tyler's cock, fisting it harshly and engulfing every moan that came out of Tyler's mouth as their lips connected.

"Im going to come-" Tyler warned, and within a few seconds he's was coming all over Josh's hand sweaty hand and his own glistening stomach.

"Get on your knees, one more time baby," Josh directed Tyler to the floor, his stomach practically twinkling from the overall slick cover of sweat. 

Tyler had his strawberry pink tongue out, looking up through his thick eyelashes, waiting for Josh to release onto him.

"I'want it Josh. I've been good, give me it." Tyler encouraged, his shy, quiet voice disappearing to be replaced with a sexual one, shocking Josh and making him gasp as his hips jutted, his cum falling over Tyler's tongue and his lips.

They both fell back onto the bed behind them. Bodies lathered in glittering sweat, Josh's hair tangled and skewed all over his head, Tyler's feathery hair parting at all different areas on his scalp. Their chests rose and fell in time with each other before Josh took a deep, harsh swallow.

"Guess the house is properly christened then." He chuckled and pressed a soft kiss against Tyler's temple. 


	18. Nothing.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is around a week or so on from the last chapter's happenings. Josh and Tyler are living together, but Tyler's mental health has severely deteriorated. Yup. Sadly. Here's the songs for this chapter. I really recommend listening, it helps add meaning. 
> 
> Transatlanticism - Death Cab For Cutie  
> 5am - Amber Run  
> Intro - The XX

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello so this could come as a shock to yall. but i think this is PROBABLY the second to last chapter. so the next chapter is the end. woaaaahh. i've really enjoyed writing this but i dont do well with continuous things, so the next chapter will finish this fic. 
> 
> general trigger warning for this chapter.  
> all chapter surrounds depression and suicidal thoughts.

Tyler stood there, sunken eyes staring back at him. The glow was gone from his skin, his hair was frizzed, and he was clad in years-old pyjamas, showing off his skinny midriff and massively oversized sleeves. He fell forward, catching himself on the porcelain sink and bowed his head, shoulders shaking. A sense of deja vu swept over him, as the ghosts of his past paraded around him and within him, a sneaky reminder of all the nights he had spent, struggling to keep breathing when his entire body seemed to sag with exhaustion and numbed agony. It was back. He knew it. His depression was back. 

Not that it had ever really left him, he supposed, but since he had met Josh it had lessened. It had made itself less known. It made itself scarce. It didn't trickle through his blood, pumping into every limb and orifice of his body. Despite what Tyler's old therapist made out, there was nothing tragically beautiful about depression. It was not sad songs and poetry, shy glances or drowning in the bath. It was not ghostly white skin tainted by charcoal circles under sad eyes and large purple bruises stretching viciously up your arms. It was not lonely walks, vacant coffee shops or smoking dusty cigarettes.

Depression was the unwashed clothes that Tyler would wear day after day. It was over eating, under eating and the inability to even get out of bed. It was giving up on himself and not taking pride in his appearance anymore. It was empty mail inboxes, bursts of anger and late night tears. It was a feeling of disgust that was within Tyler which made him want to tear off his own skin just so he could feel clean. It was uncertainty and confusion. It was losing weight, long showers and greasy hair. It was constantly wishing he could be somewhere or someone else. It was losing the will to even live. Depression was not tragically beautiful for Tyler, it was just tragic.

He would stand there every morning, in front of that bone white sink, holding his own weight up with his shivering hands. He'd stare at Josh for a little while in the low, dim lighting of their bedroom. Admire him sleep. Admire his fading, candyfloss pink hair that was strewn all over the pillow. Admire the way his lips were perfectly parted, warm breath coming through the gap. Admire his long eyelashes that were pressed delicately shut against each other. So much to admire even when he was asleep. It was ripping Tyler apart knowing he was loving Josh with only a broken version of himself and he could only hope it was good enough. My god. Please let it be enough. 

Tyler knew that Josh knew. He knew things had gone rapidly down hill. Tyler knew that Josh could see the signs. The circles under Tyler's eyes had gotten darker, his voice had gotten softer, the size of his waist got smaller, and his smile just.  _Disappeared_. Tyler was on his own for so long and he was sad when he fell in love with Josh. He felt guilty for being happy, because he had become his sadness' best friend, and who was he without his sadness, and what was his sadness without him?

But now how he wished to be how happy he was when he kissed Josh in the forest. When they were in Paris looking up at the Eiffel Tower's lights together. When they sat in the hotel room munching down on the delicious French waffles. He wanted those feelings more than anything right now. He wished he felt guilty for being happy, because that meant he was, deep down inside, happy. Now he felt nothing but distress. Every day he felt like a burden to Josh. Josh wanted to do everything for him; cook every meal, drive him places he wanted to be, cuddle him at the right times, talk to him about the right things. But Tyler didn't feel like he had the energy to even thank Josh for what he was doing. 

"Stop it, Tyler." A muffled voice came from the bedroom.

"I'm not doing anything." Tyler retorted, sniffing away the few stray tears that inhabited his cheeks.

"You are. You act like you don't do this almost every morning." Josh stood up from the bed, rubbing tired eyes slowly, coming up behind Tyler in front of the sink.

"Sorry, I am, I'm sorry-" Tyler began his apologetic routine, the dreadful weight in his chest dragging him down. 

"Stop, no apologising. Let's go back to bed. C'mon." Josh pressed a soft kiss against Tyler's goosebump-covered shoulders. 

The only thing stopping Tyler from completely crumbling like an old brick wall, was Josh. Tyler had fallen in love with Josh's patterns and inconsistencies, like the way he'd moan on his way to sleep and the way his heart was so calmly paced. Tyler wished he could be Josh's heartbeat, just to be that much closer to him, living inside his ribs and making a home inside his flesh. Waking up to sunshine was nice, but to Tyler, waking up to Josh's smile was like having the sunshine in bed every morning, warmth radiating from Josh's side of the mattress. He loved that Josh was a regular thing; pillow talk in the evenings, coffee and reading in the morning, making even the rainiest of days as bright as possible. Josh took Tyler in small doses, but Tyler took Josh all at once. 

Tyler had a polaroid of Josh in his back pocket, but it hardly did him justice. Tyler thought he was beautiful, of course, but there was so much more that the picture could not see. In the picture Josh was laughing, not a shallow laugh though, he had this deep laugh that came from within his chest and it sounded the way chocolate tasted. In the picture he was wearing a really old sweatshirt that was probably his father's in college, but worn by his mother when she was cold and only eighteen. In this picture Josh's cheeks were red, because they got that colour when he ran around and he'd just chased Tyler all around the empty park, for a kiss. In the picture Josh's eyes were sparkling, and he said it was because he was looking at the most beautiful boy he'd ever seen, who's just out of the frame and would probably over romanticize this picture of an ordinary boy. 

Tyler looked at this photo every time he needed saving. That sounded cringey, but it was true. Those nights where Tyler would stare at the bottles of pills lined in their bathroom cabinet, thinking about how he could just take them all now and disappear into a blanket of darkness and nothing. How the pain that once burned like fire would fade away to an icy numbness. Black would fill the edges of his vision and the only thing he would be able to hear was his own heartbeat. His breath would come in ragged, shallow gasps. Seconds would pass as he would lie there. Then he'd hear voices. People would swarm all over him, trying to help him, he would be able to leave all the pain behind. That's when he would look at that picture. Sometimes it would help, sometimes it was nothing. His love for Josh was the only thing that was consistent, along side the deep aching in his chest he felt, and he didn't want to lose it. He wanted to love Josh forever. Forever and ever. But Tyler was so frightened of losing him, like he'd lost everything else.

Just last week they were messing about on the bed, fucking around like horny teenagers in high school. Just last week they were walking around Home-Depot, mixing paint for their bedroom walls, Tyler dotting it on the end of Josh's nose whilst Josh looked down at him with furrowed brows and rolling eyes. Just last week they were cuddling, discussing what they wanted for Christmas, the day schedule, the food, the shopping. But of course, depression doesn't need an invite. Depression doesn't need a phone call for them to appear, they just appear. Tyler didn't care about any of last week now. He didn't want to paint the room with Josh. He didn't want to decorate for Christmas. Hell, he didn't even want Christmas. He didn't want to ruin the festivities with his mood. With the purple bags under his eyes. With the lingering weight on his shoulders and in his chest. 

"Please don't cry, please baby." Josh's concerned voice drifted across the pillows between them as Tyler realised all these thoughts had inflicted another torrent of tears to flood down his face onto the pillow. 

"I'm here. I'm here. The nights where you feel this hollow inside, when you feel empty and out of place, the nights where your mind wanders to the unknown and all you return with is sadness. I'm here, for all of those nights. You're not alone in this bed, surrounded by darkness, I'm here and always will be. Nothing can change that, Ty." Josh's voice loudened and his words became more and more passionate. 

"Josh- I'm just nothing. There's nothing to me anymore. Why do you even bother." Tyler's voice sounded empty, yet held the weight of every thing he was feeling. 

"No. That is wrong. You are beautiful. I will tell you that you are beautiful, even when you may not feel it, because I believe that beautiful things always deserve to know just how beautiful they are. Because, hey, what if flowers decided they were not good enough and simply stopped growing. And- And what if the sun never knew of the warmth that it spread onto everybody, and simply let the world go cold. What if you never knew and simply disappeared? That is why I say these things Tyler. That's why I bother." Josh had now sat up in bed, his words becoming breathy and his eyes turning glassy. 

"I love you, Josh." Tyler sighed, a lump forming in his throat as he placed his head onto Josh's bare, warm chest. 

"I want to, so badly, protect you from the world, Ty, because I know all too well how bad it can be." Josh nodded, resonating with himself, whilst gripping Tyler's shaky arms as tightly as his muscles could. 

 


	19. He Loved Him.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Final chapter. Thank you all for sticking with me, it means the world. Look out for another fic soon. Lotsa love.  
> Songs:  
> Breathe Me - Sia  
> Wait - M83 (this one is key for the finishing.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it ends my friends! Please enjoy, share, comment, kudos, tell your friends.  
> <3

He stood on the brink of something he couldn't describe. The weight of everything seemed to press down on Tyler's shoulders and he struggled to take even a single step forward. It was too much. All of it. And somehow, he had kept on moving. But every step cost him. The darkness grew darker; the pain grew sharper; all of it seemed to only grow in strength and Tyler began to wonder if things could ever get better. But he never said a word. Sometimes he wondered if that smile- the horribly fake smile- was ever seen through by Josh. If someone ever notices the sad, broken look in his eyes that Tyler saw in the mirror. If they saw beauty where Tyler just saw despair. And Tyler laughed, a bitter, sarcastic laugh, at himself. Nobody cares. No one notices. They never seem to, do they? Josh might care, but it isn't fair. This wasn't fair on Josh anymore. All he did was give his love to Tyler and Tyler could never give back the love he deserved. Josh deserved better, Josh deserved love. Not a cloud of rain above his head. 

Tyler sat still on the chair, with no strength to move. He picked up the pen and straightened the crumpled paper in front of him. He already felt sick, like the pills were already working. He was frightened he wouldn't finish in time, so he quickly began to scribble; heart pounding, hands clammy, eyes brimming with salty tears that he knew were going to ruin his writing, but he went ahead anyway.

 

"Josh. 

I'm sorry. I am. Everything. I'm so sorry. 

From the first day I saw you, you didn't see me, but I saw you. Well I'm sorry for not coming to talk to you. That was rude. 

The time you introduced yourself to me and I scurried off to my room, avoiding eye contact and not letting you speak to me. I'm sorry, that was antisocial.

That time you just wanted to talk about tattoos and the sizes of our hands when you caught me after the shower, and all I did was hurry away and make an excuse. I'm sorry, I wanted to talk. 

That time you had to take me to therapy and all I did was humiliate you by the train station, crying and shaking whilst you had to look after me like a baby. I'm sorry, I'm a burden.

That time in the forest where I told you I loved you, without even knowing what was going on in your life. I'm sorry, that was selfish of me. 

God, now I'm writing this I was so shitty. So so shitty to you. 

That time I assumed you hadn't broken up with Debby and I acted like a spoilt child. I'm sorry, I'm over protective.

That time at the halloween party where we fucked around and then I stormed out. I'm sorry, I'm a drama queen. 

That time you came searching for me in the dark and all I did was push you off, crying with my stupid grazed hands which you then had to clean off. I'm sorry, I'm a wreck. 

You know what, I'm not going to list all the things I've done wrong because there are far too many. You deserve to be loved, loved with all the love in the world. I can't do that, clearly, there's nobody else to blame, you've done everything for me, anything a person could do, you did. When we kissed in Paris under the Eiffel Tower under those twinkly lights I felt like I was walking on air. Thank you. That time you called me lovely and told me I deserved the whole world, I didn't, but thank you. That time you ordered my drink and knew what flavour muffin I'd like because you paid enough attention to my persona. Thank you. When you promised to try and give me the world, and you practically did. Thank you. Thank you Josh, for everything. I'm so sorry I couldn't give it back to you. I hope this will give you the chance to find someone. Find someone better than me. 

Find someone who wont drag you down. Who wont be like a child who needs constant attention like me. Sometimes I feel like there is something eating me up from the inside, as if my conscience is telling me I'm not good enough. Every day I plaster my face with a fake smile, wear loose clothes and try to love you; but some days I can't take it any more. I miss dinner one day ... then again and again... I don't shower one day... then again and again. It's endless. There is no point. I tried for you Josh. I did. I tried so hard. But I simply cannot anymore. 

Look after yourself. Please go home for Christmas. Do not spend it alone. Do not. Go on those tours, drink beers with Kevin, use Vir and Juliette as shoulders to cry on, take pictures of all the places you go for me, send me postcards, eat food you think I'd like. Live like you know I always wanted to. I love you. 

Goodbye, Josh. Thank you." 

 

 

And so it was. The pain that once burned like fire had faded away to an icy numbness. Black filled the edges of Tyler's vision and the only thing he could hear was his own heartbeat. His breath came in ragged, shallow gasps. Seconds passed as he lay there, then, he heard voices. People swarmed all over him, trying to help him, he realized. They wanted to save him. If he could have, he would of laughed. Surely they could tell that it was far to late for him to be saved, yet they were like children, naive to the darkness of the real world. The despair and suffering of the world that took everyone Tyler loved away from him. He would be joining them soon though. He would be able to leave all the pain behind. His eye shut as his fragile, human heart beat one last time.

 

 

 

-

 The day was quiet. Still, maybe the word. There was no wind, no rain, no sunshine, nothing. Just how Tyler would have liked it, Josh thought to himself. Struggling to hold back the grief, tears flowed steadily, silently down his immobile face, feeling bruised inside, numbness, emptiness, walking behind the mahogany coffin, saying goodbye although he was gone already. Josh's soul was unwilling to acknowledge the finality of Tyler's death. Never to look upon his beautifully soft face again or feel his fragile embrace, see the warmth in his deep cocoa eyes, or be surrounded by his love. The christmas they had planned was never going to happen. He was never going to give Tyler his present. Never kiss Tyler under the mistletoe. It was all gone. 

 "A few words from his partner, I believe." The minister bowed his head as Josh swallowed the lump in his throat, disbelief he was doing this finally setting in.

 "He was lovely. I just wish I could've made him believe it. Tyler, if you are listening right now- I will make you believe you're lovely. Here or not here, I will not rest until you know it. I love you. You are and always will be everything to me," Josh shook his head trying to rid of his tears, before facing his head to the few friends that had arrived. 

 "I loved him. I loved you." Josh's looked up to the sky, his voice breaking as he stepped down from the platform. He loved him. 

 

 

 


	20. Questions.

Sorry for the scare, this isn't a chapter, but I'm going to post a youtube Q & A video since I get a hell of a lot of questions about this fic and just in general. I'd love for you guys to send me some questions through the comments on this fic, or you can dm me over at @semiautomtaic on twitter. Questions can be about this fic, twenty one pilots in general, or about me! Please do ask, I'd love to answer. Thank you!


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